The Romantic, Vicious Dance

Posted on June 14, 2013 by shirley tran, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

We are masters at creating our own stories. After all, we want to control everyone and how they are perceived in our lives. We manipulate people into our world so that they can understand us, so that they can love us and never leave. We convince ourselves that, this time, it’s going to be different. There is a thought pattern that happens when a new person enters our life, and in thinking that, they don’t know us and we can tell them anything we want them to think or know. We always tell this new person that “my biggest thing is ‘honesty’” within 5 minutes into the conversation.  Honesty is what we would like them to believe… for now, simply because we don’t know how to communicate our emotions. We won’t talk about it for now; we’ll just wait until it gets there. So, we use honesty as the start of the conversations. But we try to be clever as well too honest will scare them away, and too simple will not interest them enough to stay. We have the power to create an exciting good enough story to make them stick around. This is what they will think of me now. Now they like me! Yes, great! I have them right where I want them.” Suddenly, real life opportunities start arising where emotions are revealed, and you are both already lost in a fable world of creation.  Problems starts to reveal, and complications starts to form. It starts to show layers how you truly handle the emotions. As you notice the mask peeling off one another, you both start looking carefully at each other with distortion. “They deceived me! This isn’t what I wanted! That person I first met…that’s who I wanted! That’s the person I was giving my all to, but they are a fake and don’t appreciate me after all that I have done!” A list of things gets brought up to the attentive, furious mind. The wall that you had put up from last time has suddenly been broken down, only because you thought they were different. Here we go again… same thing over and over. 
You would like to think your wall is now higher or that you’re bitter, and are extremely discouraged of any potential relationships. You might hate the opposite sex and even make statements that you will be completely alone forever! We want love and to be understood, and therefore you will do it over and over again, and be prone to buying into that story that it will be different this time. We always start the relationship with “I appreciate honesty.” How quickly does honesty gets deceived? You may be honest in one area and believe it’s in all areas. That is the part that gets dismissed. Honesty must be conscious aware everywhere. In order to break this cycle, an understanding of how you how you think, feel, and behave in situations is needed. You have to understand the differences in personalities, gender and honesty within yourself. How much truth and vulnerability should you reveal in the beginning? How do you communicate what bothers you? What about the other person fixing the problem by giving more? What if you’re that person that’s fixing and giving more? Are you manipulating them to do what you want? How do you behave when they say something you don’t like? How much do you shut down when you feel unsafe and need to protect yourself? How much does the other person know about that part of you? How do you react to each others reaction? How much do you know about yourself in those areas?
Getting to know one another has been very surface, and that’s why they call it “playing games.” Learning about yourself means you can share your honesty with others. Knowing yourself leads you to ask the right questions to determine if you’re both on the same wavelength, with no surprises. Asking what movies you like to watch and asking which type of movies impacted you the most and why is completely different in the depths of knowing someone’s vulnerable impact. It can save you a lot of trouble and time by breaking the cycle now.
Emotions and the mind are so powerful that they can create and destroy. Before making another permanent decision based on temporary feelings, we must examine the emotions with honesty and unmasking pure intentions