The Gift of "No"
Posted on May 27, 2013 by Suzette R Hinton, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
One of the hardest things for most people is to say "no." Not so much with strangers but it can be torture when we care about who we are denying.
How many of you can’t say “no?” Come on, don’t be ashamed, be honest. You might say, "I don’t have a problem saying ‘no.’ " Really? What if your husband asks you to accompany him to an important office event and told you it was key to him getting to where he wants to be in the company? Would you say “no?” Or if your mother asked you for help because she has no one else, would you have no difficulty saying “no?” Or if you came home to discover your wife had planned a romantic dinner and you had already eaten, could you say “no?” We all have that something that eats away at our resolve. It’s especially challenging if you’re an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic).
Where others might have difficulty saying “no” because of feeling empathy, love or regard for another person, ACOAs’ difficulty is not so honorable. It usually stems from low self esteem, a need for external validation, fear of abandonment, guilt, feeling responsible for making other people happy, the list goes on and on. To sum it up, our inability to say “no” has at its source a root of fear.
I’ve done a lot of reading on the subject as I myself are a recovering ACOA. Had it not been for books, I would not be where I am today. I would not know that saying “no” was okay—it didn’t make me mean, selfish, arrogant or unloving. Quite the contrary.
“No” is a gift. A friend of mine reminded me of that just Monday of this week. We were meeting to brainstorm about how I could effectively market my businesses. As we talked about modifying my website and strengthening my message, I shared with her my struggle with saying “no” to a church that wanted me to provide musical solutions. I knew it wasn’t going to work for the long-term. I knew as I didn’t feel at peace with it. Despite that, I was trying to figure it out. I didn’t want to disappoint the people who were so willing to go to great lengths to accommodate me. I felt guilty. Yep, that was my reason. My friend however had a different perspective on the matter. She told me that I owed it to them to say “no.” It would be a disservice to myself and to them to do otherwise. “After all,” she said. “The right person might be waiting and you’re blocking them.”
What an aha moment that was. To think it was more loving, more caring and more honoring of them to say “no” had never crossed my mind. Gee, to say “no” was actually a gift to them.
My gift to you is the ACA Personal Bill of Rights. I first came across this while reading the many ACOA books written by Janet Woititz, the mother of the recovery movement. I’m not certain if the author is known but it has become the Ten Commandments, if you will, for those of us in recovery.
Number 5 says, “I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.” This is significant, for many of us have not been taught to honor our feelings. We’re taught that other people know better than we know. In fact, we often defer to whoever has our ear and consider their perceptions as more credible than our own. This is dangerous. Not physically dangerous but it certainly erodes our self esteem. I never knew my own worth until I started regarding the voice of my own soul. This was my path to a deeper spiritual walk.
We ACOA’s often allow other people to interpret our soul’s cry rather than allowing the spiritual part of us who knows best to speak its wisdom. That my friends is classic codependence! We’re dependent on someone else’s beliefs about us, our life, our decisions rather than trusting the wiser part of ourselves.
To those who struggle like me, I give the gift of “no.” It is critical to our recovery from codependence and our recovery of our own voice, our own soul, our own significance in this world. Say “no” to what doesn’t resonate with you. Say “no” to what, in your heart, you don’t want. Say “no” to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to you of the purest expression of your love. Say “no” to treating yourself, your health, your needs as not as important as someone else’s. Say “no” to not being your own best friend. Say “no” to shrinking so somebody else can feel powerful. Say “no.” It is a gift.
I remember watching Oprah’s interview with the Judds, the mother-daughter country singing duet that has won several Grammy’s. Wynona said, "I learned to say ‘no, that doesn’t work for me.’ " It was a bing-bing moment for Oprah and one for all of us who struggle with the need to please. More personal to me is my son. I noticed that everytime I asked him a yes-or-no question, he felt compelled to explain. This was fine when he was a little boy, but as he prepared for his first interview for a summer job, I coached him to simply answer the questions. There is a difference in giving substance to an answer versus having to explain yourself. The latter lacks confidence. It minimizes your credibility.
I know it’s going to feel very weird to you, but I want you to practice simply and politely saying, “No. I won’t be able to do that.” If the hearer presses you for more, then I like Wynona’s response. “That doesn’t work for me.” Know that that is enough. If the person you’re talking with continues to press you for more or can’t seem to accept your answer, then you are being harassed. I know that sounds hard for people-pleasers to accept, but it’s true. No means no. Isn’t that what we tell our daughters when their boyfriends pressure them for sex? Isn’t that what we tell our children when someone touches them inappropriately? Now, it’s time to follow our own advice. Oprah says that if a person doesn’t accept your “no,” you should think, “what about me do they wish to control?” In other words, what do they want and are using me to get?
