No time to connect?

Posted on April 09, 2013 by Margie Schamuhn, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

One of the most precious commodities of life is time, and there never seems to be enough of it. It comes and goes way too quickly and when your life gets crazy busy and the demands seem endless, life is like a treadmill of doing that pulls you in so many directions. When you go too fast and really are too busy, it is difficult to have the life you most want. You suffer and your relationships suffer, because regular deposits of quality time and connection are usually neglected. When the relationship bank is in the red—- this always demands attention!

WHAT IS YOUR RETURN IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP INVESTMENT? A minimum deposit will produce minimum results and this is never satisfying.

Several weeks ago, I had the privilege of attending an Organization Relationship System course in Vancouver. I was reminded how every human being is wired to have meaningful relationships in their lives, whether it is in the work place, in a marriage, a partnership, friendship or in a family system. Meaningful relationships are what makes you thrive!

It’s not news that relationships can be difficult and when they are, it often looks easier to hit the disconnect button than to stay present and find a resolve. When misunderstanding or conflicts arise, it is very tempting to do the avoidance dance, or to tune out and isolate and hide. Unfortunately, as tempting as this may be, this never produces any results. For the sake of the relationships that matter most in your life, you must engage, be real, and stay open. Don’t turn away but lean in when things get tough, and commit to finding a solution.

My husband Darren and I have been married 30 years and what we have learned is, in spite of our tendencies to run and hide, we often have to make the choice to deal with the stuff that affects our relationship whether we want to or not. Great relationships require hard work and you have to deal with the krap because it doesn’t just go away! When it really comes down to the wire the question often is—-Do you want to be happy or do you have to be right?
The reality is that sometimes you can’t be both and you have to make a choice. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree on everything and constantly be in harmony. You may strongly disagree, and never understand where that person is coming from.
When you are able to shift your perspective and realize that it is “for the sake of the relationship” that you must be willing to let go of your need to be right, and as you realize that it is “being in relationship” that matters most, it is easier to shift your focus. Being right isn’t what is most important—-being in a dynamic relationship is!
This requires maturity, curiosity and strength. Finding common ground comes when you find value in your relationship and as you take steps to work towards a resolve. It takes courage to be proactive and to focus your energy on the solution instead of the problem. Start by shifting your focus. “You don’t have to be great to start, you just have to start to be great.”

One of my most favorite resources for coaching relationships and helping my clients resolve conflict, is the work of Dr. John Gottman. The research of Dr. Gottman is a thirty year study of what makes relationships work. Most of the research that was done involved couples, yet the research is so profound, that it can be applied to all systems of relationship—-in families, partnerships, marriage, management, teams and organizations.

Several years ago, Darren and I chose to invest in deepening our relationship and attended a Gottman seminar in Seattle. When you have tools to make your relationships work, you are able to experience a relationship at a whole different level. Relationship Intelligence is crucial.
One of the things that we learned was to be aware of the toxins that creep into relationships. These toxins are most destructive and they destroy the positive environment that relationships need in order to grow.

TOXIC EMOTIONS KILL RELATIONSHIP – So what are they?

Blaming – attacks, bullying, overly driving, dominance, harsh comments, chronic criticism
Defensiveness – not open to influence, deflection, not accepting responsibility
Stonewalling – not open to influence, passivity, disengagement, withholding, avoidance, uncooperativeness
Contempt – rolling your eyes, disgust, cutting others down, hostile gossip, undermining, demeaning communication

Yikes, now doesn’t this hit a sore spot! The reality is that we are all human beings and these do show up in our lives from time to time. However, when these toxins become a consistent way of behavior, this is destructive and the relationship will not survive. Being aware of this in your life and in your relationships is crucial.

Who wants to be toxic?

Catching toxic behaviour and being mindful to work at building strong and positive relationships, is powerful leadership. This requires consciousness, and holding yourself responsible and accountable for the impact you desire to make, You can’t be too busy doing everything else and neglecting what matters most and expect an empowered relationship. It doesn’t work this way—-believe me, I’ve tried!
Yes, strong relationships take work yet the payoff is great—-because you invested YOU in your life.

CHECK IN – WHAT ARE THE RELATIONSHIPS LIKE IN YOUR LIFE?

Do the people you interact with get the best of you? What are you communicating to the people you love?
Is there toxic behavior in your relationships? What changes are you willing to take responsibility for?
How satisfied are you with the relationships in your life?
What is one step that you will take to have more meaningful relationships?

Focusing on relationship is not a Valentine’s event, it is an every day event that has the potential to bring great richness to your life!

Are you willing to invest more time in your relationships? Practicing Relationship Intelligence for one month will start some positive habits and behaviors in your relationships that will that will powerfully enrich your life.
Start your “investment plan” now and reap the results.