Grief and Romantic Loss

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Bruce Whited, One of Thousands of Health and Fitness Coaches on Noomii.

“Grief and the loss of a Significant Other”
By Bruce Whited

“When a heart breaks, it don’t break even” those are the lyrics to a well- played song, and that is largely right. Most of the time when there is a breakup, someone is relieved, and the other is left picking up the pieces.

As a coach, I am not concerned with why the breakup happened. Suffice it to say one person decided the other was not what they were looking for. Any further justification is in my opinion simply excuses. I am here to address the one left feeling lost, lonely, and heartbroken.

I have been there, as have most of us. When we dare to love, we risk heartbreak. Hopefully we grow from the experience. For now however, we are in crisis so I am going to lay out some real world strategies that helped me cope with the loss of someone I loved deeply, who decided to go another way.

I know the nighttime for me was the worst. I would think about her and wonder if I would hear from her. I would think about the past, and go through every single conversation we had, and every physical engagement looking for something I did wrong. Through my experience, this is what we all do when faced with romantic loss.

How to Sleep at Night

We have to sleep. If we don’t a cascade of hormones and stressors can and will make us less than functional. My first piece of advice is to allow those feelings of loss to happen. It is OK to miss someone. I will tell you honestly, I probably deeply mourned for 6 months for every year we were together. That’s the honest truth of this kind of loss. Just know you are going to feel a cascade of emotions for a while, and it is fine to feel those emotions.

For tonight take their pillows, the ones they slept on and arrange them in the bed with you like that person was there. This is your TEMPORARY crutch. This will transition you to normalcy. In a few days you will not need them. For now, you need to feel someone with you. Their smells, and the shape of the pillows will help you sleep. Allow yourself to feel lousy. Cry into the pillows if you need. There is NO SHAME in missing that person for now. Allow yourself one hour to truly feel sorry for yourself. Set an alarm and when it goes off, tell yourself and tell the one you miss. “I have to rest now. I will think about you tomorrow night” or “I will see you in my dreams”.

The Morning After

In the morning, I want you to make yourself a piece of toast, grab an orange, and head outside. This is a great tool to help you realign to your new reality. Anthony Robbins teaches us that we need to take “an hour of power, 30 minutes to thrive, or 15 minutes to fulfillment”. This is a gift you are going to give to yourself. I want you to go out and take a walk. As you walk around your block for at least 15 minutes, I want you to pick a positive phrase and say it over and over. “Every day in every way, I am getting better and better” worked for me. You can also say something like “I am free to find the perfect person for me”. When you start this you will say this to yourself. Later, I want you to say this out loud, and with conviction. Start Feeling the words as absolute truth! We are often afraid of looking foolish, or like we are as my Dad used to put it “About a half a bubble off of plumb”. For those of you who don’t have a carpenter or steel worker in your family, this means you are not quite straight in the head.

This exercise is important because you have been feeling down about yourself. You have undoubtedly been blaming yourself for someone else’s choices, and actions. You have to balance your self-flagellation with kindness, and a positive self-talk. Things after all will get better and better, and you will eventually be in a place where you can say, “Thank God they are gone. Now I can find someone I am really compatible with.”

The Workplace

If you are working, this is great! Keep your mind on what you are doing. If you find yourself thinking about your former partner, I want you to say to yourself. “That’s an interesting memory, thought, etc. but right now I have other things to do”. This is going to be a fight, but it is a fight worth having. I know in my own life when my partner left, I could not stop those thoughts. I sat at my desk transfixed, running the tape of our relationship over and over. Eventually my grief cost me my job. I became unable to do my job as an enrollment counselor at one of the largest for profit colleges. I truly loved my job, and the mistakes I made that led to my losing my position is something I regret to this day. I would caution you not to make that mistake. Concentrate on this part of your life, and do all you can to keep from going off the rails. You need to keep as much routine in your life as possible.

Evening Strategies

At the end of the day, you will get home. The house will be empty. You may do as I did, call that person’s name out of habit. Trust me, they will not answer. You are again alone with your thoughts. This is one place where I want you to break your routine. This is YOUR chance to do something new. Make some dinner for yourself, and I want you to find a gym, or go to the library. DO NOT STAY HOME! You will only mope. If you have a gym membership, start using it. Go and exercise for at least an hour. There is a reason for this. If you have your headphones on and you are walking on the treadmill, you are still around people. You will not feel as lonely. If you are not the gym type, I suggest you become the gym type. This also gets you moving. As you work out, your body releases endorphins. These hormones help you feel happier. It a natural Prozac! This is better for your body than the actual stuff.

When I was living through my breakup, I went to see a counselor. My doctor prescribed an evil little medication called Effexor. That stuff made me absolutely CRAZY. I had bouts of rage and micro-seizures, my mouth developed sores, and I was a mess. I took myself off and the doctor prescribed something else that I never took.

I had an old doctor once in my youth say to me about anti-depressants, “We don’t know much about the brain right now. I hesitate to prescribe anything that monkeys with the brain’s chemical balance.” To me, that sounds like great advice. Stick to the natural stuff. Go to the library, or pick up that cooking class you always wanted to take. Take that Ballroom Dance class you always wanted to take. If you are a guy, try Ballroom Dancing. It is a great way to get out, and meet new people and a skill well worth having.

Coming Home

When you come home you will be tired, and probably in an OK mood. Now is not the time to wreck it. I want you to go into your iTunes account and deactivate all of the music that reminds you of the person you miss. The radio will SUCK for the next few months. I want you to avoid the radio, or at least change the channel whenever a song comes on that reminds you. I am pretty sure I missed an entire year of music dealing with my grief. I became a pretty big fan of news for a while.
Let’s be clear. I am not asking you to delete your music, just uncheck it, so it does not play. Eventually, you will be able to listen to those old songs and have fond memories. I know I did, my taboo music included “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, and anything from the movie “Garden State”. I still don’t listen to them much, but at least they don’t send me back to those days of loss and sadness when I hear them.

What’s Next

Over the next days, weeks, months you will want to contact your ex. I am telling you now, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONTACT YOUR EX! They left and are gone from your life. They do not want to hear from you. Any contact you have will be counterproductive. I hate to sound mean about this but the truth is as I stated before. They do not want to be with you. This includes the classic excuse of “taking a break”. You broke up, period. Stay away from them. In time, they MAY contact you. That is fine, but understand you no longer know this person. You KNEW them, but time has passed and you both have changed

This is VERY important to understand. It is OK to be hopeful, but I do not want you to suffer with false hope. This person is not coming back. You need to understand this. Holding on to the idea that they will come back only leads to suffering. Suffering is a false and useless thing to go through. Your happiness is what is important, and there is someone who is out there. You are now free to find them. Do not hold on to someone who has decided you are not who they want to spend anymore time with. YOUR time is more important.

The steps outlined here are your routine until you no longer need the routine. When you no longer hurt when you think about your ex, you will be well on your way to a much better life with a much better person in your future!