Hidden Dangers of Faking it 'til You Make It

Posted on March 06, 2013 by Jeannea Spence, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

I had myself a mini old-fashioned nervous breakdown this morning. Completely understandable given the circumstances. I am exhausted — physically and mentally. I’m an entrepreneur who’s on 24/7, plus I spend a lot of time volunteering my time in the community to women in transition and to high schoolers. In fact, I just spent the last 4 days chaperoning 18 of them on a trip to NYC where they had the honor of singing in the National Youth Choir in the greatest concert hall in the world, Carnegie Hall. One of the greatest experiences of my life. And yet I returned exhausted and on the verge of being sick.

I am reminded of a phrase my grandmother used to say all the time, “the cobbler’s children have no shoes.” People like me who coach others may occasionally forget to practice the principles ourselves. We need our own coaches — which I most definitely do have. I am reminded that I function more effectively when I reach out to my coach.

When we’re exhausted and overwhelmed and looking for that next new path to get us where we want to go, is it tempting to follow conventional wisdom and “fake it ‘til you make it?” To “act as if” we are the Super Woman everyone expects you to be? Of course it is. We women are eternal optimists. We are risk takers. We are determined to do whatever it takes to be successful.

“Faking it ‘til you make it” is not necessarily a “good” thing nor is it a “bad” thing unless you are being blatantly dishonest about your skills and abilities. It’s really just about tricking your subconscious rather than giving in to the fear and lack of confidence you may be experiencing. “Acting as if” can actually be very effective in the short term, but it can also become a habit that is tough to let go of when it ceases to be useful. That is the point at which it actually becomes destructive and can begin to have the opposite impact of what you’re trying to accomplish.

Bottom line? “Fake it ‘til you make it” is inauthentic and there is nothing to gain from being inauthentic. In fact, there is a lot to lose. The cost for living an inauthentic life is that the stress and strain of not being “real” impacts your health. It affects your relationships because you are unable to genuinely connect to your friends, family, and your network. It affects your self esteem because it robs you of your ability to be true to your own personality, your core values, and your spirit.

So how can you live an authentic life?

1. Live in Balance: probably not a secret to anyone reading this, but sometimes….it just isn’t easy being a human being. It doesn’t matter if you’re the CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation, a stay-at-home mom or an entrepreneur. The demands and expectations of all us are nothing short of superhuman and yet, we are only human. When I say the phrase “work/life balance” to some of my clients, they actually roll their eyes at me and most of them think it’s impossible, especially when they’re already working so hard to do all those things you know you “should” do. Speaking for working women, for instance, in addition to a successful career, you’re expected to:

-Provide a clean house
-Make nutritious meals for yourself and your family
-Run the kids to school … and soccer practice …. and choir rehearsal …. and sleepovers
-Keep the clothes clean
-Find time for your friends
-Volunteer in your community
-Be involved in your church
-And then, by some sheer act of magic, you’re supposed to transform yourself into a goddess in the bedroom (speaking of “faking it”)

Yeah, right. So how exactly do we balance everything out in a healthy way that allows us to enjoy our life while being successful in business? The straight answer is that it’s tricky, frankly. There is no magic pill for balance. You have to work at it but the work can be fun and is immensely gratifying when you’re being intentional about it. Two ideas to get you into practice. And they are simple ideas so I encourage you not to dismiss them just because they may seem too simple. First, “just say no.” We have to say “no” to some things that don’t bring us positive energy and totally excite us or that aren’t a high priority in life. Because when we say “yes” to those things, they suck energy, confidence, and happiness from our lives…instantly. So you’ve got to learn to say “no” and the way you can do that is by understanding the REAL secret to balance. That one thing that – once you get it – you will NEVER ever be out of balance again. The secret is self awareness. Every time you are given the opportunity to answer “yes” or “no” check in with your body – your gut instinct – and ask yourself, “does this totally excite me?” and if it does, then ask “do I need it in my life right now or can it wait?” If you get a “yes” to both of those questions, go for it and don’t look back. In learning to say “no” by trusting your instincts and listening to your body, you will have more time and balance in your life than you ever imagined possible.

2. Live in Integrity: So we just talked about balance and how important it is to tune into your body and listen to your gut as a way to make decisions and to determine where to allocate your time – which as we all know is a precious resource. You’ll know when your body is telling you to move forward – you’ll feel comfortable and excited – and you’ll know when to hit the brakes – you’ll have that uncertain, butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling. Not the “in love” kind of butterflies. The “full of anxiety” ones. You know the ones. That feeling of uncertainty is produced when your actions are not aligned with your values. Whether or not this is a new concept to you, it may well be the MOST IMPORTANT concept you will ever learn. The concept of Integrity.

Integrity occurs when your actions are aligned with your values; and when that happens, you experience happiness, joy, and peace. When Integrity is lost, the happiness, joy and peace disappears, and you’re left feeling sad, angry, frustrated.

One of my clients came to me with an example that is, unfortunately, not unique to her. She was so overwhelmed in her business that she found herself frequently breaking promises to her child. She even got so distracted that she completely missed an important soccer game. How do you think that made her feel? She was absolutely emotionally and physically sick. If you’re like her, like most women, you don’t feel just a little bit bad. You beat the living heck out of yourself and pile 7,000 lbs. of guilt and regret on your back – for at least a week your self-esteem has so many holes in it, if you could actually see it, it would look like Swiss Cheese. We sat down together and did a Values Assessment. We identified her core values and then she went through the list asking herself, “Am I walking the talk? Are my actions in line with my values?” It became very clear to her that family was one of her core values. When you are clear about your values, you have a roadmap. And when your actions don’t line up with your values, if you’re paying attention, your body will tell you instantly. Being out of integrity drains you of energy and your goals are so difficult to achieve because without energy, your motivation level plummets. On the flip side, when you’re in tune with your body, living in balance, and practicing Integrity, you still maintain the clarity to remember what’s most important in your life.

3. Don’t try to do it all by yourself: This is the toughest one for me, to be honest. I’m independent and frankly don’t like to ask for help. I imagine there are others reading this that are just like me. But we do not have to go through life alone. Be courageous, admit you need help, and get the support you need. I’m not saying you should go around telling the entire world, “Hey, I’m struggling in my business and it’s not the rosy picture I’ve been painting.” What I am saying is get the help you need. If you’re feeling stressed out and working too much, reach out to your support network. And if you don’t have a network of people you trust to build you up and support you, create one. It’s critical. If you need help finding a new stream of prospects for your business, find a marketing consultant or a business coach. If you’re not an expert in financial matters and that is taking an inordinate amount of your time, hire a bookkeeper that you can trust. I am a firm believer in the philosophy, “Do what you’re good at and hire somebody to do the rest.”

Are you living an authentic life or are you “acting” as if. Is “Faking It ‘til You Make It” costing you health, wealth and happiness? Implement these three things in your life and see what a difference it makes:

-Live in Balance
-Live in Integrity
-Get the Help You Need