Curiousity didn't kill the cat
Posted on February 07, 2013 by Carla Langmead, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
It gave it nine lives!.
Up until a few years ago I would have been ecstatic to have a relationship with someone who would endeavour and commit to meeting my every whim, and for me to equally reciprocate with the same effervescence. I needed my partner to fill me with words like “you complete me”, and for me to dutifully return the compliment, and together we would live “happily ever after and sail off into the sunset” Ha!… Life, ageing and failed relationships have now slapped that idealism right out of me. If anyone was to say that to me now or if I felt the need for that sort of relationship then I would head for the hills and give myself a serious talking to! I have learnt that another person can not make me feel ‘whole’ or ‘complete’, in fact when I have had that expectation, albeit subconsciously, all I managed to do was to project my needs heavily on them leaving us both disappointed,disillusioned and wondering what hit us. I’ve learnt to ask myself more questions about what went wrong and one of the biggest discoveries was; how can I expect another to know exactly what it is I need if I don’t even know the answer to that myself? and why on earth should it be someone else’s responsibility to ensure my contentment? I do however believe that happiness is achievable in partnerships but Im not sure if its as easy as others lead us to believe. Socialisation and unrealistic love stories have helped to entrench some burdensome beliefs which I now personally challenge. Mostly we enter into relationships not thinking as deeply as this and we stumble along finding ways to stay connected and all going well both parties can achieve this with equal give and take. Imagine if we entered into new relationships armed with the belief of “lets walk down this road together and learn from each other along the way”…. instead of screaming “make me happy”! Effective open honest, yet compassionate communication can be at the heart of successful relationships. No communication = breakdown! and I for one am never surprised to hear about extra marital affairs, which in my experience are largely about poor communication and a lack of mutuality, understanding and self awareness. However effective communication is easier said than done and requires more skills than just ‘talking’. These skills are not taught to us but are often learnt by our own mistakes, and a mistake is only worth it when we can learn from it. We need to be prepared to try, fail, learn and retry. I hope commitment isn’t about sacrificing one’s happiness for another’s needs? maybe its more about accepting that partnerships are always a work in progress. If its not working for one person in the relationship then its not working for neither, and another way of relating and being together needs to be sought. Along with that we need to realise that every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for others. Seeking mutuality needs to be the goal, which is an organic process that is not linear nor fixed – unless of course we choose to stay fixed in our thinking. We are but products of our lives – learning, changing, growing and hopefully maturing. We are the results of the good, the bad and the ugly that we have lived or are living through. To assume that another person has all the answers to keeping us happy assumes that we don’t. I believe we do have the answers. Sometimes to be found in small steps and at other times in leaps and bounds, all we need is to become aware of the opportunities. To enter into any relationship with willingness to learn more about ourselves and our mate, could be a really good platform from which to build longer lasting partnerships. Lets get ‘curious’ and ask more questions rather than placing our expectations on another who is also just finding their own way too. Curiosity may not have killed the cat – it may have given it its 9 lives.
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