5 COMMON CONFLICT STRATEGIES THAT ALWAYS FAIL (and what to do instead)

Posted on January 08, 2013 by Justin Williams, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

Why we fight…
Anywhere two or more people have to co-exist, co-mingle, co-habitat, or collaborate, conflict WILL occur, and where there is conflict, there are strategies at play. Blaming, Dominating, Escalating, and Resentful Compliance are the most common strategies. Refusing to fight is a strategy as well. It’s called Avoidance. These strategies are des- tined to fail in the long run. They might win a fight, but they ALWAYS hurt relation- ships, and cripple teams.

First, HEALTHY CONFLICT IS GOOD, it is an opportunity for growth. I know, most of us hate conflict, but I think that our distaste for conflict is (largely) shaped by our ex- periences with unhealthy conflict strategies. Developing strong, healthy conflict resolu- tion skills is essential for building successful relationships, careers, and teams.

HEALTHY CONFLICT produces:
• Stronger teams that trust, and collaborate in powerful ways that get real results.
• Better leaders that are focused on empowering their teams.
• Thriving marriages and relationships filled with intimacy, authenticity, and respect.

In the pages that follow, I will outline 5 conflict strategies that ALWAYS FAIL, identify how they affect and hurt people, teams and relationships, and give you simple, power-ful tools to DO IT BETTER. Enjoy.

“If you want to make peace with your enemy,
you have to work with your enemy,
then he becomes your partner.”
- Nelson Mandela

Strategy 1: The Blame Game

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as
you wish to be, since you cannot make yourself
as you wish to be.”
- Thomas À. Kempis

The first, best way to make every conflict a gigantic, destructive waste of time and en- ergy is to play The Blame Game. It starts off simply, even innocently at times. We say something like – “You didn’t communicate the details to the client,” or “You didn’t tell me about,” or “You didn’t make yourself clear…” Very quickly, the conflict becomes about what one person did or didn’t say or do.

Blame does three things;
• Distracts everyone from resolving the real issue.
• Devolves the conversation quickly, robbing power from the relationship. • Makes the relationship unsafe, putting everyone on the defensive.
The problem is that the issue or conflict exists because there is more than one person in- volved. Instead of co-actively approaching the issue in an effort to resolve the conflict, we end up creating a second, more dramatically charged conflict. If you hear yourself saying more “You’s” than “I’s”, you are probably playing The Blame Game.

DO IT BETTER:
In order to beat The Blame Game, we must find and own our individual responsibility by asking, “What part did I play in this?” Owning up to our part of the conflict requires humility, and grace because it means we also have to let go of or forgive any fault in the other person, for the purpose of bringing resolution to the real conflict.

Strategy 2: DOMINATION

“If we could read the secret history
of our enemies, we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility”
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Have you ever been in a fight where one person just talks and talks and talks, seemingly without taking even a pause to breathe, repeating their idea or position over and over again, leaving no room for difference, or discussion? The domination strategy is all about word count and intensity – talk more than everyone else, and eventually they will give up, and give in.
Domination shuts down the other person or people in the relationship or team because they don’t feel safe.

When people don’t feel safe:
• Collaboration, creativity and productivity suffer.
• Respect disappears.
• Intimacy is smothered.

DO IT BETTER:
Steven Covey, Author of “7 Habits of highly successful people” points out an important principle that must be honored in every conflict. “Seek first to understand, then be un- derstood.” Try asking a few powerful questions.

Here are a few examples:
“What else do you need me to really hear / get / understand?”
“Where else does this issue show up in our (team, relationship, organization)?” “How does this issue effect our relationship?”
“What is important for us to remember moving forward from here?”

Strategy 3: Escalation
“Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice.”
- Stanley Horowitz

Escalation is a popular strategy for conflict. The Cold War was all about escalation, but at some point one of two things happens: a) de-escalation, real communication, and resolution, or b) nuclear war that destroys everything. Note that Escalation and intimi- dation are “kissing cousins.” They tend to operate a little too closely. Now, escalation may tend to look like domination, but do not be tricked.

Escalation looks like:
• Increasing volume, tone, and speed of voice.
• Intimidating body geography, physical motions, and abusive behavior.
• Expanding breadth and depth of topics involved.

Suddenly we are not fighting about the issue we started talking about, instead we are fighting about EVERY issue we have EVER fought about. Granted, sometimes the cur- rent issue connects with other issues, and sometimes making that connection helps us find resolution. However, the nature of escalation isn’t about resolution, and that is why it will lead us to failure every single time we use it.

Here’s the problem with escalation – it’s basically one degree away from
bullying. Seriously – using escalation and domination to win conflicts will ALWAYS end up leaving you out in the cold – alone, untrusted, disrespected, and unloved.

DO IT BETTER:
A great place to start might be to stop, and simply allow silence to invade the conflict for a few minutes. Then, ask questions.

“What is the real issue here?”
“Where has communication fallen out?” “What feels unfair?”

Strategy 4: Go along to get along

“Anger is not only inevitable, it is necessary.
It’s absence means indifference, the most
disastrous of all human failings.”
- Arthur Ponsby

Some times we “go along to get along” because we see a pattern of not feeling heard, valued, appreciated or respected, so we simply bypass the waste of time and energy required of us to stay engaged. Listen, I get it. Speaking up and speaking out, especially about important things, is hard. Especially if you tend to be more of an introvert, and when so many people run around using Escalation, and Domination. This is really about playing small – staying afraid and unwilling to share the brilliance and beauty that you have been uniquely gifted to offer the world.

Go Along to Get Along:
• Leads to resentment that cripples relationships
• Creates a passive – aggressive environment
• Robs the team of the power of collaboration, creativity, and safety
• Leads to people “living lives of quiet desperation.”

Meetings are plagued by ambiguity, grudge holding and eventually avoidance. We end up rooting for others to fail. Relationships implode into an abyss of resentment and iso- lation. We end up wasting tons of time and energy with interpersonal risk management.

DO IT BETTER:
Try gently confronting the other person in a time and place that is safe and courageous for you. When you sense yourself withdrawing from a conflict, try asking for a “time- out.” Give yourself, and the other person / people a chance to re-group, re-charge, and re-engage in a productive way.

Strategy 5: Avoidance

“Half the problems in life come from people being afraid to go straight at things.”
- William J. Lock.

A culture of conflict avoidance (at home or at work) is the most dangerous strategy of all, and the most common. While the initial motivation behind avoidance is a desire for peace, in the end, peace is never the result. “Go along to get along,” is the slippery slope where avoidance begins. Avoidance is usually motivated by fear or lack of security in the relationship or team.

Fear can be a great motivator, but only short term, like say, a knife fight. But when it comes to building strong teams and relationships – fear bonds are ALWAYS destructive. Eventually fear turns into resentment, which often feeds a de- structive, painful cycle between strategies 1, 3, & 4.

Recognize Avoidance:
• Minimizing our own feelings, or those of others. “It’s no big deal,” or “It’s not my
problem,” or “It’s none your business anyway.”
• “Loving someone too much to fight,” or “protecting them from getting hurt.” • Meetings with low engagement, and high absenteeism

In teams, a subtle culture develops of indirect conversations, water cooler meetings, in- appropriate email threads, and general relational disconnect.

At home, well, psycho- logical research shows that habitual avoidance of conflict is the #1 predictor of divorce.
Avoidance = nothing solved, nothing finished, nothing gained.

DO IT BETTER:
Next time conflict rears it’s ugly head, try embracing it with curiosity because everyone has a brilliance to share, and the world needs more people fully engaged! Here are a couple questions to ask when facing Avoidance:
“What do you (I) really want here?”
“What is really important about this?”

Moving Forward…

“What lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do.”
- Aristotle

If we start out with the idea that conflict is an opportunity for growth, then we CAN use conflict to build stronger teams and deepen intimacy in relationships. We can learn to fight fair. We CAN break the destructive cycles of conflict and find some freedom. I write the word freedom, because often times conflict feels like bondage, doesn’t it? Here are some deeper thoughts on doing conflict better.

1. LISTEN, with everything you’ve got – with every fiber of your being focus on what the other person is saying, how it is affecting them and what they are really asking for. Now, honestly, we’ve all learned how to look like we are listening, right? We can look someone deep in the eyes, and hold the intense focus on them, only our minds are far away, dancing along the shore of some beautiful fishing hole, or shoe shopping at the mall. Listening requires our full presence, and a lot of self management. Putting down our instinctual responses and defensiveness in favor of seeking first to understand.

2. THINK IT THROUGH! Take the time to think about what you really want to say. A key to making conflict work for you is to GO SLOW! Like grilling hamburgers – ”Low and slow.” If you turn up the heat, attempting to rush the cooking, we end up with a burnt, dried out hunk of coal. When we let our emotions turn up the heat – we usually end up pointing a flamethrower each other. When we slow down, and think through the issue, we give ourselves, and others, a chance to fight with us, instead of against us. Most contests (and conflicts) are won or lost before they ever really begin, and it all has to do with choosing how we engage with each other.

3. FOLLOW THE RULES – create an alliance – a set of boundaries to work within, and a common language can empower teams and couples to fight well, and fight fair. Think about it, there are rules of conduct in battle for armies (Geneva Convention), and rules in every sport like football or boxing. The rules stand so that the conflict is as fair as possible, and the outcome is clear and productive.

A good alliance is an essential part of every team, and every relationship. Sometimes alliances are crafted intentionally, and other times they are unspoken. The best alliances are spoken, and written, truly collabo- rative, and agreed upon by all involved. Craft some alliances with your team, spouse, or family in order to clarify expectations, and create a safe and courageous environment that empowers everyone, and leads to stronger relationships, more creative teams, and more productive leaders.

“Whether on the road or in an argument, when you see red, it’s time to stop”.
- Jan McKeithen