Vulnerability

Posted on December 19, 2012 by Deb Burnett, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

In my continuing efforts to make sense of my own existence, I invariably return to the same questions: Why am I here? What must I do? And, how will I get there? Inevitably I am lead to the same conclusion. I am searching for connection, both to myself and others. I truly believe that connection is why we are all here and is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Surprisingly, the human mind plays tricks on our ability to comprehend this and our ego and shame triggers get involved. When I think of connection, I think of love, and then memories of heart-wrenching pain and disillusionment surface. When I think of belonging, the thought is immediately followed by instant recall of rejection and feeling excluded. Its a tricky mind, especially when shame comes knocking. Shame can be described as simply the fear of disconnection. This can be present in so many scenarios – disconnection from love, money, food, comfort, belonging, or ourselves. The list of possibilities is endless. Shame can generate the ‘what ifs’ and self imposed criticisms. It unravels our ability to even perceive the possibility of connection. What if I’m not good enough? Who do I think I am? What if people see the faults in me and I am no longer worthy of connection?

Experientially Universal
Shame is a universal experience and makes us do one of three things: move away, move against or move towards. In other words, hide under a rock, or strike out, or people please, which are all unhealthy reactions to a common problem. The real cure is empathy; the ability to feel for another person. It’s very different from sympathy, problem solving, distraction, or any of the various ways we think we’re comforting those in need. It’s a practice that involves perspective taking, staying out of judgement and understanding and communicating emotions. It’s when the other person says “Me too. You are not alone.” But in order to receive empathy, we need to show up with our authentic, vulnerable selves. We need to be willing to be seen – truly seen.

Birthplace of Joy
Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, empathy, belonging, and love. So why do we struggle so much with it? It is frightening. We think vulnerability is a weakness, but there is a distinct difference. Translated, weakness means “being unable to withstand attack”, while vulnerability means “being open to attack”. Picture that. As opposed to being weak, you are open to whatever may come, ready and willing. One of my favourite native sayings is ‘hoka hey’, which is a Lakota expression Crazy Horse shouted to his men going into battle, meaning “This is a good day to die”’, but directly translates to “Clear the path. There is more”. And there will always be more; life is like that, full of more of everything. And our ability to be open and available to the emotions, lessons and gifts that we receive creates a much deeper sense of how vulnerability is, in fact, our deepest strength.

Knowing Worthiness
Those that have an easier time with being vulnerable have a stronger sense of worthiness. They are available to love, feel a strong sense of belonging, are aware when shame surfaces and then know how to respond effectively. More importantly, those that practice vulnerability also embrace imperfection. They get messy, take chances, make mistakes. This is the art of authenticity; to be willing to let go of who you think you should be, in order to be who you are. Believe that what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Be willing to say, “I love you” first. Be willing to do something when there are no guarantees. Be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work-out. Stop controlling, rehearsing, predicting, and live with vulnerability as the open door to your heart.

Numbing Out
When shame surfaces, our culture and society encourage us to distract, medicate, and deny our feelings. We inappropriately ‘numb out’, but the problem is that we cannot selectively numb only the painful feelings. Numbing creates an absence of joy, gratitude, ease and happiness. We become miserable; looking for purpose and meaning; feel weak; numb again, and so it goes. We also blame others in order to discharge our pain and discomfort. We try to perfect ourselves. We convince ourselves that what we do doesn’t have an impact on others. But the truth is, we are all imperfect and unique. We are wired for struggle and also for connection. We need to let ourselves be seen, tell our story, and love with our whole hearts, even when there are no guarantees. Practice gratitude in moments of terror. Believe we are all enough, here, now. To feel this vulnerable proves that “I am alive.”