Do you need a Spiritual Marital Renewal Plan?
Posted on December 01, 2012 by Patricia Reynolds-Meade , One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
There is a joy that God offers you as a couple if you invite Him to use your marriage to transform both of you to make it through the tough times.
God’s goal for marriage isn’t for your husband and you to be totally happy it seems. Its way more than that; God wants to use your marriage to help you become more Christ-like or rather more loving towards each other. An important part of that growth happens when you and your husband deal with conflict. Everyone knows that happiness is only a temporary state that comes and goes as situations change. Also, we know that we can count on the fact that we will sometimes let each other down and make each other feel unhappy. There is a joy that God offers you as a couple if you invite Him to use your marriage to transform both of you to make it through the tough times. I believe your marriage plan should focus on creating and maintaining an emotionally safe environment within your relationship where you will be more inclined to open your hearts to each other and build the intimacy that will bond you for life.
Using a former client example: “When we married six years ago, this was my husband’s third marriage and my second. We went into our marriage committed to learning how to love each other as Christ loves us. We didn’t waste our time or energy looking for fulfillment from any source other than God Himself. We now know that our greatest satisfaction will always come through having a love relationship with God first. We try not to mistakenly look to each other to fulfill each other. We have learned (the painful way) that this places a burden that neither of us can bear. When taking our marriage vows, we promised to follow God’s guidelines for marriage. This is a conscious decision to place all other relationships and responsibilities as a distant second to that of our marriage. That simple!”
Intimacy in a marriage means you can always count on each other by being best friends and sharing life on this deep personal level. Unfortunately, this process takes a lifetime to fulfill. The Barna Research Group released the results of a poll about divorce. Barna’s research found that Christians are more likely than non-Christians to experience divorce. Imagine that! Read “Why marriages succeed or fail and how you can make it last”. The book has many tests based on research that highlight divorce predictors.
My husband and I took the tests, (yes, I am my best client) we found that we were a “validating couple. Validating couples appear to "compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise”. We were assessed by counselors as having the ideal marriages. This means we have a “moderate amount of tension and an immoderate level of fun, loving, and warmth”. We are in-between the two other stable marital styles-volatile and conflict-avoiding- in expressing our feelings although we still do have conflict. There is a lot of ease and calm exhibited in our conversation and arguments. It is usually characterized by me or my husband validating the other’s description of the problem first. Validation can be as minimal as “vocal listener backchannels” using yeah’s and uuhhum’s. This doesn’t mean that we agree with each other but more that we are in the moment and practicing active listening.
As a validating couple, we provide support for each other communicating that we understand each other’s expressed emotions during conflict as being valid. Sometimes this communication is nonverbal as we mirror facial expressions of concern or worry and it’s sometimes very direct and verbally loud. Given this, there is a sense that we are still working together on resolving conflict even if we become aggressive. Sounds good on paper but not when it’s happening.… Ephesians 4:32 tells us to be kind and compassionate to each other and also forgiving because He forgave us. My husband and I have learned each other’s “love language” and we continue to learn how to reach each other with God’s help in the way we individually feel loved. As Gottman states, “A low level of conflict does not equal unhappiness. A lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Is it time to renew your marriage?
