The #1 Communication Tool: Learning How to Listen to Enlarge Your Conversation

Posted on November 29, 2012 by Patricia Reynolds-Meade , One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Often we wonder why we are not understood; why the replies we get don’t meet our expectations. In communication, we connect with a person’s identity and their “innate -wired” temperament or responses. We must communicate in sync with the body, the brain, and the heart to emanate the words coming out of our mouth in harmony. Communication is that process by which people exchange feelings, information, and meaning through verbal and non-verbal messages. This definition emphasizes the important fact that interpersonal communication is not only concerned with what is said but also how it is said. Both the form and the content of the communication reflect the personal characteristics of the individuals as well as their social roles and the quality of the relationship. The Miriam-Webster dictionary further defines communication as based on the Latin “cummen” and the suffix “ie” which is similar to “fie,” in that it means “to make or to do.” The meaning of to communicate is to make something common such as to convey information or knowledge from one person to another in as accurate a way as possible. This meaning is appropriate in a wide range of contexts. Thus, one person may communicate to another a set of directives or elicit information. Interestingly, when two or more people are in the same location and are aware of the other’s presence, an “interhuman relationship” is said to be taking place, no matter how subtle or unintentional. Imagine that!

The goal is to create a dialogue: when one person says something, the other person does not in general respond with exactly the same meaning as that seen by the first person. Rather, the meanings are only similar and not identical. Thus, when the second person replies, the first person sees a difference between what she meant to say and what the other person understood. On considering this difference, she may then be able to see something new, which is relevant to both views and to those of the other person. And so it can go back and forth, with the continual emergence of a new content that is common to both parties. Each person does not attempt to make common certain ideas or items of information that are already known to her. Rather, it may be said that the two people are making something in common or constructing something new together. Of course, something new can only be constructed if people are able to freely to listen to each other without bias and without trying to influence each other. Each has to be interested primarily in the truth and coherence so that she is ready to drop her old ideas and intentions, and be ready to go on to something different when it is called for.

We need more than to learn how to communicate more effectively; we need to learn how to enlarge our conversation. This encompasses all the dynamics of interpersonal communication, conversation, and dialogue that occur in a relationship. It involves emphatic listening, nonverbal communication and self-disclosure. It is the way in which we live our daily lives in a genuine, authentic state. It is the world of meaning that people live both in and through by using their perceptions and observing others actions. It encourages us to form contacts and maintain relationships. It enables us to make sense of the world and our experiences in it. In other words, it bridges the gap between a person’s inner and outer world, consequently bridging the gap between reality and the ideal.

Healthy communication is not really about protecting ourselves from discomfort or controlling how others react to us. It is communication that fosters connection, trust, intimacy, and respect. It is about knowing and being known as we peel through a mult-ilayered process together. It is not about getting people to do what we want but instead about creating mutually beneficial solutions and relationships. It’s not about controlling what we feel. It is about feeling what we feel and sharing what we feel and thinking in the present moment by being spiritually. This type of open-hearted sharing is enlarging the conversation. How do you get to this highly effective communication style? You have to eliminate the noise!

From cell phones and stereos to the sirens from police cars and fire trucks, to airplane’s flying low to car horns as you’re stuck in gridlock and the constant chattering of several people with too much to say, the world is filled with much noise. If we are not engaged in conversation listening or speaking to someone or something, we are usually talking to ourselves. This can be either externally or even in our own heads at times. As a result of these internal and external noises, very few people have experienced a true silence that allows you to actually listen. Enlarging the conversation emphasizes a silence that is so splendid and extends so profoundly within your psyche that it then expands to embrace the sounds, visions, and people surrounding you. This is the ultimate non-verbal communication that is altogether so inconsistent with the everyday world and the people in it. Yes, this quietness can be learned for all to experience and in return appreciated.

It is true that we can’t just make the world be quiet. In the past I would have sometimes liked to shove a rag in its glorious mouth; especially when I was in my addiction. But although we can’t always turn off the noise, we can learn to hear it in another way. The exciting news is that listening is a skill that can be learned. By focusing on creating an inner silence, we are less aware of internal and external noise. More importantly, whether a loved one or an associate, the touch of the person who communicates effectively is always felt well beneath the skin, deep in the hearts of any woman, man, or child. A spoken word, a random act of kindness, a silent gesture that resonates in the minds and spirits of all she came across. This is the foundation of effective communication and where you begin – always bearing the best of intentions toward those as you enlarge your conversation.