Active Listening
Posted on November 24, 2012 by Laurie Anderson, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
There are a few important parts to being a good, active listener. Are you a good listener of others and yourself?
I’ve been thinking about social skills lately, largely because there are two young kids in my house who are continually learning and working on social skills… taking turns, being polite, responding to others, showing frustration in appropriate ways, etc.
Simultaneously, I’ve been thinking about how to quiet our minds and hear our own inner voices better (before those inner voices are screaming at us in the form of anxiety, headaches, and more). And I realized that being able to hear and listen to that quiet voice is a self-skill as we work to better ourselves. Let’s look at how actively listening to others relates to actively listening to ourselves.
According to mindtools.com, paying attention is the first part of active listening. This includes, setting aside distracting thoughts (which might be the rebuttal you’re already forming in your head), giving the speaker your undivided attention, look at the speaker (at least in our culture!), and notice body language. Okay… so let’s turn this around and shine the light on ourselves. When you have a thought, like “I want to take a Spanish class,” do you listen? How quickly do the rebuttals arise? “When am I ever going to need Spanish? Even if I do, it will take years to learn it well enough to speak it. I don’t have time or money for a class. My family will think I’m crazy. I have so many things to do, how could I even think about doing that? It’s so unnecessary! …” And on and on and on. Instead, can you simply listen to that voice and stay open? Give yourself your undivided attention! Notice your body language… is there a flurry of excitement and curiosity with that initial thought of taking a Spanish class? That is your body communicating to you!
The second part of active listening is to show that you are listening. Nod, smile, encourage the speaker to continue with little verbal cues, like uh huh, and make sure your posture is open and inviting. Are you staying open and encouraging with yourself? If you let the rebuttals take over immediately, you’ve crossed your arms and shut yourself down! You may not sign up for a Spanish class today, but stay open to possibilities and ask questions… “What is it about Spanish that interests me? Is there some way to move towards that before actually taking a class? What would it hurt to take a beginner’s class or find someone who would trade lessons, Spanish for piano?”
Thirdly, active listeners provide feedback. To truly understand what is being said, ask questions to clarify the speaker’s meaning and paraphrase by saying, “what I’m hearing you say is…” As silly as it may sound, it may be helpful to say to yourself, “So what I hear you saying is that a Spanish class sounds stimulating, and you might be interested in traveling to Spanish-speaking countries some day?”
Next, allow the speaker to finish without interruption. How do you interrupt your inner voice? By distraction, cynicism, judgment? You don’t have to act on anything immediately, but can you stay open to the thought or idea long enough to see what it’s about?
Finally, by responding appropriately, you are modeling respect and understanding. Be candid and honest in your response while being respectful of the speaker and their perspectives. You add nothing and get nowhere by attacking the speaker or putting them down. So ask yourself, are you respectful of yourself? Do you put yourself down? If your inner voice sounds like, “Why are you even thinking about learning a language? You can’t even remember English vocabulary much less a whole new vocabulary! You would just look dumb compared to other people. It would be a waste of time. You’re better off just trying to keep the house clean and stay on top of the kids’ activities,” then can you give yourself a gentle reminder to take a breath, sit quietly, and allow your thoughts in? If you wouldn’t attack a friend’s ideas, why attack your own?
A wonderful American Buddhist, Slyvia Boorstein, will say to herself when harsh thoughts come up, “Sweetheart, you are in pain. Relax,… take a breath. Let’s pay attention to what’s happening. Then, we’ll figure out what to do.” This allows just enough space around a thought or event that you have a chance to step back and decide how you want to move forward.
Just as you might be surprised that a person actually means something entirely different than what you thought, when you use active listening skills, you might also be surprised with yourself when you stop and listen without judgment to your own voice that is waiting to be heard…waiting for you to truly listen.
