Reflections on Shame

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Leslie R Singer, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. ~T Roosevelt

Shame. It is a word that, when spoken, is mentioned in hush tones in the shadows of a room. Shame. A cloak of secrecy, worn in silence as the weight of its judgment immobilizes, paralyzing self worth.
Shame. It has been the undertow of recent coaching calls with clients. Their shame has brought me to face my Shame.

If you are still reading this, then perhaps you have some courage to face your shame or at least learn about mine. I suspect many will walk away from this, delete it or even unsubscribe to my newsletter. This is what shame does, it lets fear win.

My Shame plays like a black and white B horror flick in my mind; the iconic close-up of my face in the contorted expression of the infamous Scream floods my thoughts. The movie highlights my self-sabotaging behaviours that deny me rewarding relationships, such as my poor choice of words that have pushed others away or the needy, over-affectionate displays that make for an uncomfortable moment. The undertow of feeling like a fraud pulls and nags. Don’t get too close or else you will discover that air of confidence is just an illusion. I have failed at love, I have failed at meeting the expectations my parents had for me, I have failed my friends, I have failed myself. My veneer of stoicism is armor against exposing my vulnerability; it is also a sentence to a life of solitude. As I watch these scenes in which I am the leading role replay over and over I cringe, I repel from myself; I look for the nearest rock to crawl under. Shame keeps me victim to playing a small life as I let fear wear the pants (and that damn hockey mask!) The only dialogue in this low budget film is, “You are not _____enough”. The blank is filled in with good, smart, thin, pretty,…go ahead and pick your own adjective. No, scratch that because who really cares what kind of enough, anyway. Not enough is not enough; it is less than, it is inadequate, it is sub-par. It is the biggest judgment day, ever! This kind of thinking dulls my inner light so I am unable to see my way, see my choices and opportunities.
It is the kind of fundamental darkness that feels full and hollow at the same time. It’s poison.

“If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment.” ~ Brene Brown

I decided to write about shame and my shame hoping to create a dialogue, to help others to come unstuck from the mire of (their) shame. Maybe if we all unload our shame into a designated bio-hazard fill zone we can begin to allow our vulnerability take hold and root in the fresh and fertile soil of our souls. Mythic land fill or not, it is healing to speak the unspeakable, give it verbs and adjectives and then examine the Truth of it, delve into the evidence like a forensic scientist. Unmask and pull the pants off fear…(what does fear look like without pants?) and uncover the beauty of our being-ness. At our core, we are good, whole, and perfectly flawed humans.

Moving beyond shame takes more than practicing gratitude. Turning the poison of shame into medicine is alchemy of human connection, empathy, honesty, and vulnerability; it is putting courage in the face of fear; it is being fierce at just being.

Last evening I sat with a group of people in a meditation guidance that was to awaken us and deepen our connection with everything, really; our relationships with others and self and of course, the Divine (whatever that may look like for you). How timely this opportunity; to be in a place, a gathering, a community of like minds, a room full of empathy, honesty and vulnerability-of humans connecting. Shame does not stand a chance in this kind of environment. There is no room for it to breathe or reproduce; it dissipates into the ether.

When humans connect with the intent of connecting, of bridging all differences and judgment there can only be an exquisite sense of life’s energy. Something so pure and powerful and juicy- it’s smile inducing, it’s life affirming, it’s kum-by-ya, it is joy!

I invite you all to stand with me, with each other and connect for the sake of connecting, to move from shame and shadow to living out loud with all heart and soul.

I put my palms together, namaste