The Inner Bottom Line ®: “A Huge Difference in Values”

Posted on October 18, 2012 by Olive Gallagher, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Dear Olive,
Something you said on television about not doing something if you’re not sure just made a big difference in my life and I wanted to write and say thanks for that and your Christmas wishes column. I was supposed to get married Christmas Eve. I broke it off a week before. Jay and I were together two years and I thought he was the right man, but a week before the wedding I found out he’d been screwing around for more than six months with someone I knew. I tried to find a private moment to confront him, but he kept keeping his distance. At our prenuptial dinner in front of our families and friends, he accused me of being too possessive. He got very upset when I asked him how he could cheat on me like that and he told me he planned to end it after our wedding and that it didn’t mean anything. I called off the wedding right there and gave him back his ring. It was a terrible night. Luckily it was to be a very small ceremony with thirty guests. I can’t stop crying since then. What does ‘it didn’t mean anything’ really mean? Why did he do it knowing it would hurt me? My two closest friends haven’t left my side, but another woman keeps calling, saying I overreacted and I should just lay down the law and then marry him. Was I crazy to walk away? I feel if someone’s going to cheat, their values aren’t the same as mine. I knew this would hurt but I didn’t know I’d be this angry and depressed. Can you suggest anything to feel better? This is an awful way to start a new year. G.

Dear G.
It is a sad and painful way to start the New Year. I’m so sorry you’re going through the deep disappointment and heartbreak ending a serious relationship can bring. It’s difficult enough to sever any meaningful bond, but to find your hopes and dreams for a happy future with an intended spouse obliterated days before your marriage has to be brutal.

Not only have you been asked to deal with infidelity and the humiliation and disillusionment that abusive behavior can inflict, but you’ve also had to endure this breakup in a very public way in front of the people who mean the most, mainly your family and friends. At a time when our instincts are screaming to find a hole and hide, we can face a very steep slope when we’re forced to begin the healing process in front of every significant person in our life.

You’re also correct that this is entirely about a difference in values. Given Jay’s behavior, his actions indicate he doesn’t share or respect your elemental values. Without respect and honesty, no couple stands a chance to form a healthy, foundation to support a successful relationship for it’s upon the four core ethical values of respect, trust, honest and integrity that other values such as honor, justice, loyalty, kindness, caring and compassion reside.

What’s even more remarkable in the face of this discrepancy is that you’ve had the courage and honesty to identify the mismatch rather than pass go and move into the perfectly normal, emotional litany of “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why wasn’t I enough?” Please appreciate how much maturity and strength it takes to skip that phase and go to the heart of the matter. That’s never easy to do, especially when your heart’s been trounced and hung on the line.

I believe you’re referring to number six of the twenty premises listed in my book upon which The Inner Bottom Line rests: “When in doubt, don’t.” That’s exactly what you did, and it may have saved you from a painful stint in an unhealthy marriage. While we could spend chapters on Jay’s dysfunctional, hurtful choices, that’s his stuff and no longer your concern.

What is your responsibility, however, is the choice you made to get involved with and marry Jay in the first place. In order to create the future respectful and loving relationships you deserve, it’s important to understand and be accountable for what attracted you to him in the first place and what made you agree to commit your life to him.

Until you sort out what you may have overlooked or denied hearing or seeing during the past six months, you can’t determine what you want and need in the future. That’s one of the most critical aspects of any break up and the one phase many choose to skip because it’s painful, sometimes lengthy, even tedious.

While you might have felt shocked at Jay’s initial disclosure, there are always signs and unhealthy patterns that surface when deception is occurring, even if they don’t conclusively identify the behavior underlying them. Things such as distancing, inappropriate boundaries, unexplained lapses in attention, affection or desire, and perhaps most elementally, uneasy instincts.

If you can honestly say you didn’t pick up on anything, then that would suggest two things from which much can be learned: the realization that Jay’s ability for deception was even unhealthier than you imagined and your choice to end things now rather than later in divorce was wise and the acknowledgment that there’s still much to learn about yourself and the way you handle or deny stress, neglect and intimacy.

You asked if you were crazy to walk away. Self-doubt at moments like these is normal but can be fanned by others eager to play Monday morning quarterback. Dealing with advice from others, particularly those don’t share your values, can be challenging even infuriating and passing judgment a cheap, hurtful and misguided form of editorial.

You’re blessed your two closest friends have been supportive and comforting, but the woman who seems to think that ‘laying down the law,’ whatever that means, and pulling on blinders is woefully off base. Her attitude prompts an option you have right now, which is taking this time of evaluation and recovery to consider what current relationships might not be good for you.

Finally, let’s address Jay’s statement ‘it didn’t mean anything.’ With or without a marriage license, being unfaithful is just that. It’s disloyal, abusive, hurtful, and dishonorable behavior. Either you cheat or you don’t. Infidelity is not only unacceptable behavior but completely personal. Whenever someone states, “it didn’t matter,” it prompts the question, “Well, if it didn’t, than why did you do it in the first place?”

There are no quick fixes. No magical band-aids that will make the ouch go away. There’s only time and loving support and reflection, and while you’re experiencing a lot right now, your letter seemed to reflect clarity about the decision you made and the direction you’re headed.

Even though it may contain a bit of bravado or denial that tends to surface during the first few weeks of a trauma, I’m confident you know you’re worthy of a lot more than this man was capable of giving. Trust your values and don’t doubt your best instincts for they’re serving you well.
O.

You can submit your questions or book private phone sessions with Olive at theinnerbottomline.com, explore her new blog at whatskeepingyouawakeatnight.com, or call into her blogtalkradio.com show, “The Inner Bottom Line,” with your questions. All letters and calls can be anonymous and confidential.

Kindle and audio versions along with the hard cover of Olive’s book, The Nude Ethicist: A Simple Path to The Good Life, are now available on amazon.com.