The Inner Bottom Line ®: "Those Everyday Office Dilemmas"

Posted on October 18, 2012 by Olive Gallagher, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Dear Olive,
I’ve been the senior admin to a well-known politician for thirteen years and I love my job. That is, I love everything about the office and the pay. What I don’t like is what I’ve lately been asked to do. My boss is having an affair. It is not the first one. But this time, he’s being very overt about it, bragging to his buddies and even making jokes to me. The last time he made an inappropriate remark, I got very uncomfortable and embarrassed and asked him not to do it again. He just laughed harder and told me to lighten up. I’ve never seen him behave quite like this. It’s as if he’s had a personality change. He’s now so besotted that yesterday he asked me to make plans for him to “get away” for two days and instructed I cover for him and lie to his wife if she called him during his absence. This is a man who has always expressed his disgust and anger at other colleagues who indulged in the very same behavior. He even helped raise a lot of money for the impeachment effort a few years ago. I can’t believe how disgusted I feel right now with his behavior. Should I confront him and say no? I don’t want to lose this great job, but at the same time, I think I need to look for a new position. I don’t respect this man anymore and I’m constantly angry and stressed. Am I nuts, out of touch and need to, as one of my colleagues suggested, “grow up”? Or is leaving the only way out?
FR.

Dear FR,
Well, once again, this is one of your basic nightmares. Actually, you’ve got two of them. And no, you’re not nuts or out of touch. Not in the least. And you definitely don’t need to grow up, although your colleague certainly needs to rethink their values! At least one of you in that office seems to have some sense of reason, appropriate behavior and standard of integrity.

These dual dilemmas are not easy to deal with and resolve. The first one, the affair, can be managed several ways. Since it doesn’t sound as if you could stay on in silence and continue to allow yourself to be abusively disrespected, the first, obvious option would be to say “no”, one of the hardest words for anyone to utter, especially when something of value is on the line. Of course you risk confrontation if you quietly and firmly say “no, this is not part of my job and I’m uncomfortable with what you’ve asked me to do.” Worst case? He’ll say “do it or leave.”

And while he might surprise you and apologize, back down and even start making his own arrangements more discreetly in the future, don’t hold your breath! By facing him and his actions down and standing up for yourself, you would at least be able hold on to your own sense of power and control in the outcome. Thus, you could move on, if need be, with a clear heart and mind and face the new and challenging options of rebuilding your resume and career. By leaving on your own terms, you’d exit without feeling you ran away without sticking up for your primary and non-negotiable values.

The price? The loss of immediate money, benefits, references, and the comforting familiarity of the known. A big hit, but not unrecoverable for someone of your abilities and track record. After all, from what you’ve said, you’ve been with him long enough to have built a solid reputation for fine work, loyalty and performance among his peer and professional circles in a unique field. If you must leave without a formal recommendation, I bet a number of his closer colleagues would put two and two together and figure out why you’re leaving under such ‘mysterious’ circumstances.

Another option? You could just leave in silence. And the price for that? The same, definite loss of a choice position and good pay. But this approach might be compounded with the ongoing, insidious knowledge that by choosing silence you backed off from standing up for yourself and your values. Either way, I think it’s damn unfair that this oaf has placed you in such an unconscionable position. And forced you to consider giving up too much. Aren’t you worth at least asserting your opinions, values and boundaries before marching out that door?

Now, for the second dilemma that is connected to the first. This one has me very sad and very mad these days. It’s the old “glass house” syndrome. The multitude of examples of someone loudly criticizing, humiliating and castigating another for the same actions they’ve casually committed themselves communicates a rampant arrogance that’s been running amuck in this country for years. It’s not only unacceptable, hypocritical behavior, but among other things it’s made us the laughing stock of the rest of the world.

I don’t know very many people who haven’t, at some point in their life, whether in high school, college or in marriage, lied about sex in one way or another. We all do it. Cultural pressures as well as our own human, imperfect condition demand it. And while lying is never a good thing, it is often a necessary part of survival.

We all, at some point in our reality, tell others what they want to hear, or even more often, don’t tell them what they don’t want to hear. But it’s not just about the perils of lying. It’s also about where we choose to draw the line and the choices we make about what we can live with lying about and that which is not negotiable. There is nothing more obnoxious than righteous hypocrisy.

But perhaps the worst price you’ve already paid in all this is not just the loss of your respect for him. It’s the lack of respect this turkey has shown for you. His behavior has veered way over your Inner Bottom Line, especially with his disrespectful and unfair request to enmesh you in his adolescent subterfuge.

Without respect, there can be no trust. So in all probability, your sense of trust along with his credibility has been irretrievably damaged. You’ve learned the hard way that it’s pretty hard to support and serve someone when those essential feelings have been destroyed. So, regardless of the course of action you choose, this may be the end of the road for you in this job.

Perhaps the biggest and most valuable realization that will emerge from this morass will be that in order to take good care of yourself, you must work with and support someone who gives you the level of respect you deserve.

However, I must reluctantly add this one sad caveat. Since as many as 90% of the people you might work for will lie about sex one way or another, don’t be naive enough to think that changing jobs will mean that you’ll never be confronted with this pathetic problem again. Good luck. You deserve much, much more!

Olive

You can submit your questions or book phone sessions with Olive at theinnerbottomline.com as well as explore her new blog at whatskeepingyouawakeatnight.com, or call her on her blogtalkradio.com show, “The Inner Bottom Line." All letters are anonymous and confidential.

Kindle and audio versions of Olive’s book, The Nude Ethicist: A Simple Path to The Good Life, are now available on amazon.com or theinnerbottomline.com.