Growing In Grief
Posted on October 15, 2012 by Phyllis Arnett, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Grief is a process which manifests as differently in each person as in each circumstance.
When my son moved out on his own 12 years ago I felt it was just another part of life, just as though I was sending him off to his first day of school or church camp. No big deal — he is just moving across town. But soon I realized what a transition it was going to be. It seemed he disappeared over night. All of his things were gone, we immediately painted his room, and when I called to check on him (four days in a row) he said, “Mom! Quit calling me every day!” I was devastated. How was I supposed to not hear my firstborn’s voice every day? I tried to cope with the fact that I had to let him go, but after a couple of months I thought I was going crazy. Finally, I asked myself, “What is wrong with you?” The answer came back, “You are grieving.” What a relief! I was not losing my mind after all. I had been through the grief process: after the death of my brother and my nephew. I was familiar with grief; this was just a different kind of loss.
I was talking with a woman whose husband died a few months ago. She is in her seventies. She has a great job, travels, and it is obvious she enjoys life. She said a woman with whom she works (also a widow) told her she was amazed how she managed to “get it all together” after only a few months, when she has been trying for three years. My friend said it never occurred to her that other people struggle this way; she just did whatever she needed to do.
The truth is, most people do struggle and it is not because there is something wrong, it is just different. Everyone grieves differently. Your grief is as unique as yourself. That is probably the most important thing to know when you are grieving a loss. Regardless of whether it is the death of a loved one, a divorce or a child moving away, grief is a process which manifests as differently in each person as in each circumstance. I have even grieved the loss of the relationship I wish I could have had with my parents. There is no right reason or right way or right time-frame to grieve.
The only way to grieve is your way and you must discover that way for yourself. Grief is a long, dark, winding tunnel and the only way out is through. You cannot go back. You can only go forward. The worst kind of grief is the grief you are experiencing right now. It does not compare to anyone else’s. Acknowledge your loss is worthy of grief, even if it is not what you would typically define as grief, and accept that you must endure these very real feelings of sorrow and loss. Grief is a unique experience for each person, and when we allow ourselves to truly experience it and not “put on a brave face,” we learn to love others and love life more fully.
Then? Then a wonderful thing begins to happen. You will see things with new eyes. You will learn things about yourself you never knew. You may do things you never thought you could do. You will grow.
