Cultivating Happiness - Forgiveness

Posted on October 03, 2012 by Ellen Ades, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

“It began thirty five years earlier. That’s when they stopped speaking. Each one claims being angry with the other, on and off, since childhood. Apart, they are able to recount stories of misunderstandings that evolved into arguments that grew into feuds that resulted in two sisters, now 96 and 94 years old respectively, fueling their anger into a state of permanent combustion until they could no longer bear to share anything: not even a conversation.”

This is a true but extreme case of anger triumphing. We all get hot under the collar from time to time. We’re human beings with a bucket load of emotions. However, holding on to anger can be devastating in more ways than one.

That’s not going to happen. The more probable destiny awaiting the angry individual is frustration, misery and troubled relationships in his personal life. In business, anger lowers performance levels individually and in teams and stifles both creativity and potential.
I have met very few people in this world who prefer or choose to be angry. Most of us react and then get stuck or hijacked by our own negative emotions. For those who are truly interested in letting go of negative emotions in general, and anger specifically, the trick is in the first minute.

Dr. David Rock explains in his book, “Your Brain at Work,” that once you feel a negative emotion it takes less than a minute before the emotion hijacks your thinking and has the potential to drag you into a negative spiral.

If you want to have a plan before the next aggravation appears, you might find the following helpful.

When something provokes anger in you, remember to S.N.A.P.

Stop: Feeling, or moving.
Notice: You have about 45 seconds before your brain shifts from effective logical thinking to stressed-out-knee-jerk-reaction-thinking. That’s when you see ‘red.’ Once you wait too long your brain will put its arms around the anger, hold onto and feed it! Pay attention when your emotions intrude into your thinking and notice the time!

Act: Focus on something else before that shift takes place. That means you have less than 45 seconds to dwell in anger! Make your thinking louder than your emotions so your thinking dominates. If conversation with a friend or co-worker is heading toward an argument, try changing the subject or tell him you’ll think about it. (Remember being told to ‘sleep on it?’) The next day focus on what you intend to accomplish when you revisit the issue. If a conversation with your spouse threatens to take a turn for the worse use my personal favorite and say, “You may be right,” and move on. Use whatever works for you to keep the thinking part of your brain from being sabotaged by your emotions. With practice, eventually you’ll be able to do this effectively in a few seconds.

Proceed: To pay attention to your thinking and not the emotion. REVIEW the event and evaluate your success. If your focus exercise worked, great; make sure to practice it every time you feel your buttons being pushed. If not, then keep practicing until you come up with something that works for you.

If you have been holding on to your anger chances are it’s been festering for a while. The longer you hold onto anger, the more deeply it plants its roots in your soul and strangles your sense of well being.

Unless you are slaying dragons and need the perpetual adrenalin rush anger provides, to give you super-human courage and strength, anger is USELESS!

As Mark Twain eloquently wrote, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet leaves on the heel that crushes it.” In other words, most of the time, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong.

Ten years from now you probably won’t remember what angered you. Knowing that, are you willing to let go of the anger earlier and enjoy your life more?