Permission to be Human

Posted on September 28, 2012 by Cyndi Stein-Rubin MS CCC CTACC, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Permission to be Human (Stay tuned for part 2)

Happiness is a universal goal. We seek happiness at every phase of our lives, and yearn for our children and our families to be happy. We strive for our clients to improve their communication, so they and their families may live a fulfilling life and be happy. Then why, in spite of this widespread desire, have anxiety and depression risen to epidemic proportions in our society?

The following points are made by Richard Kadison (New Engl. J. Med. 2005 353:1089): The current rates of depression, stress-related symptoms, insomnia, and eating disorders in US colleges and universities are staggering; not surprisingly, so are the rates of substance abuse.We are the most in debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in US history. In addition, the average age of onset of depression has changed from age 39 in the 1970’s to age 14 today. “In a recent national survey of 13,500 college students, nearly 45 percent reported being so depressed that they had difficulty functioning, and 94 percent reported feeling overwhelmed by everything they had to do.”

Nonetheless, despite our efforts to wax happier, as evidenced by the billions of dollars spent on self-help, psychiatric and psychological care, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medications, happiness remains elusive in our society. In fact, we are unhappier today than ever before.

Why this paradox? What are we doing wrong, or more important, what are we not doing right? According to renowned scholar and positive psychologist Tal Ben Shahar, society compels us to chase the impossible dream of perfection. We are constantly in the position of feeling like we fall short. T.V., movies and magazines prime us with the perfect cars, hair, skin, and bodies. They further flood our psyche with the perfect women who do it all perfectly as wives, mothers, daughters, friends, with perfectand careers and romances. From the model-like faces, grinning with perfect teeth at us from the magazine stands, we learn there is no place for a frown, a tear, or feeling shaky – – there is no room for painful emotions. The images of perfection are thrust upon us from every angle, and we feel compelled to strive for it.

In light of the above, people typically react to their own experience of negative emotions by feeling like there must be something wrong or defective about them. Furthermore, our well-meaning listeners reinforce these feelings by offering many different suggestions to “fix us” or to help us become closer to perfect us such as:

“Have you tried homeopathic supplements?”
“Have you meditated or tried yoga?”
“I think you need to get more sleep;”
“Have you tried therapy?”
“Get over it; it’s not so bad.”
Smile – -things could be a lot worse!”
Look at all you have to be grateful for!”
When others respond to our plight in that way, it can trivialize our emotions and cause us to shut us down. These well-meaning comments inadvertently imply that we are not doing enough, working hard enough, trying hard enough, that in some way, we are not enough. Moreover, this feedback prompts us to feel as though we are the cause of our own problems. This sequence of events serves as a vicious cycle which adds guilt and shame to the mix and chips away at our self-esteem (feelings of worthiness and effectiveness). The root of our vulnerability seems to be shame and at the core of shame is our fear of rejection – – that we are not worthy of acceptance based upon our flaws.

Experiencing our emotions has healing properties. Leaning into certain emotions may be uncomfortable – – even frightening – – but worth the stretch. To accept is to acknowledge or to admit. In other words, we may have feelings of lust, hatred, or jealousy and not act on them. If we act on them we need to own our actions and accept responsibility. We cannot forgive ourselves and move on from an action until we admit that we committed it.

Giving ourselves and others the opportunity, to experience the full range of emotions leads to higher levels of mental health, congruence, happiness, and self-esteem, because it carves out the road for self-acceptance and love.

Once we know that these negative feelings are human, part of human nature, that all individuals experience them, and once we give ourselves the permission to be human; we understand and like ourselves more. Moreover, we lay the groundwork for unconditional acceptance of other human beings including our clients. Without self-acceptance and love we are not equipped to give this over to our clients. As noted by Nathaniel Brandon, “self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.” It involves a willingness to own our emotions, yet does not imply that our emotions have the last word on what we do.

Human nature is part of nature – feelings just are — neither good nor bad — and they are quite real. The point is they are not going away until fully accepted. Just like gravity or the weather, Francis Bacon (1600) stated that “Nature to be commanded must be obeyed” (Francis Bacon, 1600). This includes human nature. For example, when surfing one must respect the ocean. There is no sense in attempting to fight unruly powerful wild ocean waves. An experienced surfer knows to wait out the turbulence or go with the movement of the waves, not try to fight it. Similarly, an experienced skier knows not to fight the mountain. Rather than resist gravity, an immutable law of nature, he leans forward into the mountain and moves with the terrain, the weather, and with the texture of the snow.

At the same time, feeling our painful emotions does not imply passive resignation; it is about active acceptance of the negative emotion. This is not to suggest that we should spiral down into deep depression that lasts for weeks or months. What we do propose is that to prevent an overwhelming episode, we allow the emotions to take their natural course. This allows us to actually come out more positive and stronger from the other side.

Cyndi Stein-Rubin MS, CCC – CTA Certified Coach

A Human Development Handbook (in publication Delmar-Cengage)

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