Empty Nest -2nd part

Posted on September 25, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

Preparing for the “empty nest”, is a huge transition for most people (see blog post on Toy Story 3 and Afraid of the empty nest). Preparing for the return of those who created the empty nest is somehow more devastating.

We, who have experienced this, have been able to adjust quite happily without having our children around. It is a newfound freedom where you can restore intimacy both emotionally and physically with your significant other. It allows you the freedom to have adult relationships in your home, if you are dating, or are trying to develop new relationships. The constant tension which most children create in the household soon dissipates. Life changes- and it can have very positive effects on relationships, and lifestyles.

With the economy as it is, many of the college graduates have decided to return home. Although, this is often planned as a temporary means to an end, it has for many, turned into what feels to be forever. How does one readjust to the return of your children, who have been on their own for 4 years?

It is not easy.

My children have been out of college for quite some time. My daughter does not live in the same state as I do. She comes home infrequently. I still am in a state of anxiety when I know she is coming. Her apartment is immaculate. She vacuums constantly, fluffs up the pillows, and is often putting things in order. And yet, when she returns home, she immediately reverts to the child-like behavior of her youth. She opens at least 4 beverages at once, takes a couple of sips, and opens up another. She plops on the sectional couch in my family room that separates into 3 sections, and leaves them at least 6 inches apart. She wraps herself in the afghan I have perfectly placed on the couch, and leaves it in a ball. She showers in my shower, (because she said she once saw in a baby spider in hers a few years ago). Her clothing is distributed throughout the house- mostly on the floor. She once accused me of caring more about the house than about her.

My son, who lives about 2 and half hours away, also reverts to his behavior of the past. The garbage is placed on the counter top above the cabinet where the garbage pail resides. Why? I have no idea. My daughter attempts to throw garbage away, but even when reminded, seems to miss the pail and throw tissues and the like, on the floor.

This used to be a very difficult experience for me. Then, I remembered that this visit is a gift. I can straighten the house, collect the garbage, and put my couch back together after they leave. (Okay, I do it when they go to sleep.) But, it is far more important for them to be here, then for me to drive myself crazy because they have temporarily trashed my house.

On the other hand, I am talking about a visit. What about the children who have returned home?

Jared, a 24 year old boy, has returned home after a failed opportunity at college. His mother is remarried and he is now back at home interrupting the lives of his mom and step-father. He visits his father for short periods of time, but has chosen to live with his mother. Iris came to me complaining that Jared is ruining her life and her marriage. He wakes up early and knocks on her bedroom door, demanding coffee. She has been getting up and making it for him. When returning from a dinner engagement with her husband, if they do not bring home food for him, he walks around the house pouting. His 25th birthday is approaching. He requested a very expensive gift.

Of course, this is only a small sampling of his behavior- quite similar to how it was when he was living there in his teens. I explained to Iris that the wording she uses is quite important. Since they have been arguing about the overly decadent birthday present he desires, I told her to simply say, “it is not within my budget.” This has ended any further discussion regarding the gift. As far as the coffee, she is now saying, “you are welcome to use my car to pick up a cup.” It is all in the delivery. As far as food goes, before leaving for her dinner plans, she reminds him of the take out places available, and welcomes him to look through the refrigerator- as it is always stocked with food.
Find alternatives to the way you speak. Change your behavior and it will change your relationship.
There was a simple solution to Iris’ problem. Set limits.

No matter how old your child is, if they are returning to the once empty nest, you need to know that it is okay to be in control and decide what you will and will not tolerate in your house. It is a very difficult transition for everyone. Children, who have not answered to anyone, now have to once again answer to you.

The good news is, if they don’t like it, perhaps they will change the situation and find one that is more pleasing for everyone involved. Learn to say “no” and they will learn to respect your wishes.
Many people must deal with this situation. Nothing is forever. Find a way to relieve your stress and make your home a pleasant place for all of you. You may not be able to change your children’s behavior, but you can certainly change yours in dealing with them. Give yourself permission to take charge.

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.com