Working with Self-Judgment -- example from coaching
Posted on September 25, 2012 by Laura McGrath, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
A real-life example of coaching a client struggling with feelings of self-judgment. Submitted by Ottawa-based life coach Laura McGrath.
With my clients’ permission, I occasionally share stories from our coaching sessions (names and identifying information have been changed).
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Diane has spent much of the last year exploring a space of mindful presence. Even while her job throws challenge after challenge at her, Diane takes time to meditate, reflect, and do yoga. She knows that doing these things helps her maintain balance, openness, and calm in the midst of a hectic life.
In a recent coaching conversation, Diane observed that although she was still going through the motions (taking time away from work to spend with friends, spending time on her yoga mat), her sense of peace was getting interrupted by a nagging, worrying voice in her head. I’ll call the voice Mr. Judge.
“What if you’re missing something?” Mr. Judge said. “What if you’ve forgotten something important? You don’t have time to take an evening off; you should be working!”
What I noticed in our conversation was how much energy and power Mr. Judge’s voice had. When Diane talked about what Mr. Judge said in her head, Diane’s voice got louder and stronger. I could tell that Mr. Judge was the one calling the shots right now.
“Here’s what I’m noticing,” I said to Diane. “Mr. Judge has all the power. He’s keeping you from enjoying your time off. Even when you take some time for yourself, for self-care, Mr. Judge gets in there and keeps you from really relaxing.”
“That’s true,” Diane said.
“So,” I asked, “what would satisfy Mr. Judge enough that you could quiet him down, send him out for a cigarette, and get him to leave you alone for awhile?”
Diane and I explored the different strategies she has for dealing with her self-judgment. As we talked about what had worked in the past, and what wasn’t working now, Diane discovered that she was engaging in mental warfare with Mr. Judge. Every time he showed up, she fought back and tried to shut him up. So this week, she’s going to experiment with a new strategy: when Mr. Judge shows up, she’s going to let him say his piece. She’s not going to fight. She’s going to listen, observe, and then let him go. Rather than making inner war, she’s going to try making inner peace, knowing that if she gives mindful attention to her thoughts, they tend to lose their power over her.
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Laura McGrath is an Ottawa-based life coach and therapist who works with clients all over the world. If you’d like to have a chat about how working with a coach can help you reconnect to what’s most important to you, Laura is more than happy to pick up the phone and have a conversation. Visit www.readyforchange.ca for more information.
