Siblings of Troubled Children

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

A parent has an obligation to take care of their children to the best of their ability. No one gets perfect children, and there is always one that is more difficult than the others. That child generally requires more attention than the “well” child.

Unfortunately, I have met many of those “well” children and they all share a common theme. They all feel that they got less attention than the child that “required” more attention. What is interesting is that this is valid. But, what is a parent to do? A child that requires special attention often drains the parent of any energy that has remained in order to make sure the less demanding child does not feel slighted. If one spends all day tending to a child with special needs, emotionally or physically, what is left to give the child who is less demanding?

Lisa, now 55, had a sister, 2 years younger, who died at age 16. Amy developed a benign brain tumor around the age of 9, and had it surgically removed. Regardless of the fact that it was benign, it continued to grow back over the next 7 years. Her parents spent every waking second, tending to this sick child. Through the years and surgeries, she became blind and deaf, and eventually succumbed to this disease. Her father had her name inscribed on his license plate, and of course, as one would expect, was never the same after her death. Lisa spent her life craving attention and feeling a sense of worthlessness. The entire focus, (understandably so), was spent dealing with her sick sister. How could things have been different? How do you explain to an 11 year old that she no longer can be the focal point of their family, or actually receive a sufficient amount of attention, when her younger sibling was so ill and would most likely, eventually die? Lisa missed out on a great deal of her childhood, having to become self sufficient at an age where most children have “mommy” to tend to their needs.

Danielle, 35, has a brother 2 years younger, who developed some emotional problems at the time of puberty. He became socially inept and school phobic. Most of the time was spent trying to help Andy get back to school and lead a “normal” life. In the interim, although Danielle admits she got an exorbitant amount of attention from her father (who did not help with her brothers predicament), felt she did not get enough “mommy time”. Until this day, she feels her mother cares for her brother more and is defensive when she tends to point out his negative characteristics.

Sharon, 55, had a younger sister who acted out as long as she can remember. She remains angry about the lack of attention she got as a child. Her sister was a troubled girl, fell into the wrong crowd, dropped out of high school, married, had a child and then died of a drug overdose. The child’s father died in much the same way. Not only does Sharon resent the situation, but is now raising her niece as her own child, as there was really no one else to take this 10 year old child.

All of these situations have a common thread. The neediest child gets the most attention and the “well” child is angry. As much as a parent can try, more attention must be given to the child who needs it. It often happens in the school system, as well. The kids who are the most troubled, or the most exceptional, are the ones that stand out. The middle of the road child, that does not make much noise, generally gets lost along the way.
I have battled this issue with manypatients in therapy. Of course, the child who feels they didn’t get enough attention has a valid complaint. But, rectifying this issue is almost impossible. I think it is most important to help the “well” child understand what happened. Even understanding, does not necessitate forgiveness. Becoming a parent yourself, adds an insight for most of the people who have been scarred by these situations.

One patient, Charlie, has a younger brother who has bipolar disorder. Plans are constantly altered by his brothers behavior. Vacations were canceled frequently, events were disrupted, and the attention was stolen most of the time. Charlie and his younger sister has had enough. Even though their sibling is severely depressed, and is a concern for worry, they are tired of him disrupting their lives.

I really cannot offer a better way of doing things. I cannot suggest a situation where the troubled child should not be given the attention they may so badly require. It is a very sad, difficult situation.
I can suggest that special attention be given to the less demanding children when it is possible for the troubled child to be watched or treated by someone else. Most importantly, parents need to reassure the other children, that they are loved and as important as the child demanding attention, and that you, as a parent, are doing the best you can. You also can have your child let you know what you can do to make it better for them, and talk about positive alternatives to activities they may have to miss. Ask them how they would handle the situation, and let them know if there is a possibility of doing what they suggest, or some altered use of their suggestion. Making them part of the solution can empower them and take away their feelings of being a victim. You can commend them for their participation in helping make the situation better.
Either way, it is a very distressing and trying situation that seems to leave quite a mark on most people who have experienced it. As children become adults, they develop a much better understanding of the situation, and need time and compassion to move on from it.

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.com