Trust

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

I attended a lecture tonight on “TRUST”.
It involved a great deal of audience participation. Many people felt that those who didn’t trust others, did not trust themselves. Some were scarred by relationships where infidelity was involved.
I believe trust is the essential ingredient in creating a healthy environment to grow and thrive in. We are born into a situation where the people we trust the most is our family or caregivers. What if those who we trust the most betray us?

What if the ones we expect to protect us are actually the ones who are teaching us not to trust?

I grew up afraid of my parents. I never could be sure of their reaction to my innocent behavior or questions. There was no rhyme or reason to the bizarre behavior that would be erratically demonstrated by my father.
Once I left my home, I trusted everyone without question. This proved quite disastrous, and put me in a position time after time, where I was betrayed and my trust was broken.

I learned no one and nowhere was safe.
I then met the true love of my life. I was young and inexperienced and had never felt this emotion before. I gave unconditionally. I believed for the first time in my life that someone loved me totally and unconditionally. After plans to tie the knot, the relationship ended, as he asked me to wait for him to finish “sowing his wild oats” before we finalized our commitment. I could not do it. The endless nights of calling him to no avail, and my mind that depicted scenes to painful to handle, ended the relationship. I was devastated and heart broken. I lost my will to live and could not imagine a future without this man.
As always, time heals all, and I picked up the pieces and began to live again. My trusted parents were unsupportive and angry at my emotional condition. They did not hold my hand or say any of the supportive things that loving parents say to a child with a broken heart. I healed on my own, only to reinvent myself as a person who would never allow myself to love so unconditionally again. The fear of that type of pain could never again be tolerated. So, I loved with restrictions. I always held part of me back. In this way I could never be hurt like that again.
A few years before that, I got into a precarious situation that involved being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Although I did nothing wrong, I was grouped together with some people involved in an illegal activity. A large group of us were arrested, and given mandatory probation where we had to report to a probation officer. All of my friends that were involved, had a huge amount of parental support. They all came and attended court with their children, fighting for the honor and protection of their offspring. I sat alone. My father told me to “go to hell and go to jail.”

All of my guilty friends who were involved in this situation got off on their own recognizance. I spent 15 months on probation, paying for a criminal attorney with money that had been saved for me. I was totally alone. Again, I survived the betrayal. I once again learned that you could trust no one.
I honestly think I have not been able to fully trust anyone in my life- other than my children and my mother. I work on this daily and am somewhat at a loss of how to deal with the effects of experiencing this, leaving me with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

Harold, a 55 year old divorced father, witnessed his father having sex with a woman other than his mother. His father would bring him to the woman’s house so his mother would not get suspicious. One night Harold, then 5, had difficulty sleeping in this strange house, and called for his dad. Not hearing him, Harold set off to locate his father. Stumbling into the woman’s bedroom, he found his father, literally in the act of having sex. He was traumatized. The next morning he chose not to speak to this woman. After leaving her house, his dad smacked him across the face for being rude to his “girlfriend”.
What followed was a tumultuous family life, followed by more infidelity and distrust.
As an adult, Harold married a lovely woman and had a child. As a teenager, his daughter discovered naked pictures of her father on the internet with his girlfriend. She shared this with her mother, and their relationship ended. Harold then got involved in another relationship, where he became obsessed with the woman, and ultimately, this relationship ended as well. He is often having one night stands, and looking for women to have sexual encounters with. We live what we learn. He has a huge trust issue, and yet, he, too, cannot be trusted.

Harold is totally unreliable. He makes endless promises that he does not fulfill.
The relationships that he pursues are the ones that do not make him feel good about himself. When the chase is over, his interest wanes. He grew up feeling like a failure, not being able to trust his father who would use him to cover up for his promiscuity. Harold admits he can’t be trusted, but is devastated when he feels the person he is involved with may not be trustworthy as well.
We, as parents can do so much harm to our children, by our words and our actions. We must use words and follow through with the actions supporting our thoughts. If not, oOur children will pick up on this producing insecure offspring, without the ability to trust, and sometimes be trusted.
Our role is to set an example – not just for others, but for ourselves. Each day my goal is to be better than the day before. I try to treat people in the fashion I would prefer to be treated. For me, that involves being trustworthy. Hopefully, the people I am involved with will reciprocate with that respect for me.

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.com