Divorcing the Family

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

My nephew got married this weekend. Or should I say my ex-nephew? When you get divorced do you lose all the people who were your family for over 20 years?

My husbands older sister was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor at age 34 after the birth of her 3rd child. Strangely enough, her husband was diagnosed with the exact same thing, 10 years later. Tina was over-chemo-ed and lived in a semi vegetative state for 10 years. Art lasted 1 year and they died within weeks of each other. That being said, their 3 sons became orphans. Between the remaining family, we chose to co-parent these 3 amazing children who were dealt the lowest of blows. I became incredibly close to them, and at one point contemplated having them live with us as a family with our 2 children. It was decided that it was probably too disruptive to have them relocate to a new area after sustaining the loss of both their parents. At this point their father had connected with a woman who was serving as a “mother figure” in their home. They remained with her, as she legally adopted them a month before Art died. He orchestrated this event, so we were respectful of his wishes.
Had I known then what I know now, I would have had the boys live with us. They are all incredibly successful but have a multitude of dysfunctional behaviors from dealing with their past. The oldest one is in the worst shape. What is really the most painful for me, is the total loss of my relationship with them. I called, after separating from their uncle, stating that I loved them very much and wanted to remain in their lives. I also assured them that I would do nothing that in any way would make them uncomfortable, and I would follow their lead.
They are not the calling, contact type of guys, so I only heard from them when I contacted them. It became less and less as I felt that I was making them uncomfortable. I didn’t want them to feel they had to choose. I am also smart enough to know that “blood is thicker than water”. And so, as time passed, my relationship dwindled as well. My children keep me informed of their lives, and when my daughter comes into town, we sometimes get together for dinner with two of her cousins.

I have never met my nephews now wife, nor my oldest nephews girlfriend. The youngest child has a lovely girlfriend that I have met several times. My family is so small. My deceased brother was young and left behind no family of his own.

I felt lucky to have these boys in my life. My son, daughter and her boyfriend just returned from their cousins wedding which took place out west. All of the family was there. The family that used to be mine. I texted my nephew congratulating him and sending my love. I am always confused as to whether to sign it “Kate” or “Aunt Kate”. I chose “Aunt.”.
I feel empty, even jealous, that these boys are no longer mine. I gave them a large piece of my heart, and now feel the emptiness they once filled. I have no family celebrations with lots of relatives gathered together. I have very little family. I have always wanted a bigger family and was very excited that I was gaining an extended family that included 2 more sisters, 2 more brothers and 3 nephews. At the drop of a hat, it was all taken away. I took in his family as if it were my own. They were part of the holidays, the celebrations, and our day to day life. When things were not going well, I gave all of them my time, my love, my caring. I vacationed with them, comforted them, and celebrated their milestones. When life dealt them a blow, I was there to help them make it through the bumps.

After my separation, none of my love was returned. I was struck by illness, and received an obligatory call from my once sister-in-law of 22 years. Unfortunately, she was struck by the same illness and I was part of her life on a daily basis. In the blink of an eye, all the people I considered my family, were gone.

Do you marry and join a new family and get just close enough to know they could all be gone in a minute? I gave my all and am left alone. This is who I am, and I would most likely do it the same way. I am loving, and warm, and caring. I still love my nephews and wish them only the best in life. My heart hurts that they don’t feel the same about me. I divorced an uncle, a brother, and a son. I chose to divorce a husband and lost everything connected to him. That is my biggest regret.

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.com