Forgiveness

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

A patient once asked me “how do you forgive someone who has hurt you?”

In order to go forward, you must come to terms with your past. Some of what has happened in your past, we must forgive. Whether it be a parent, sibling, or significant other, bad things can happen that are difficult to move on from. Some of it we incorporate in our brains, and when certain buttons are pushed, it automatically rewinds the tape, and we are back in that painful situation. If your dad told you that you were a failure, and you flunk a test, the tape replays in your head. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. He has convinced you that you are a failure, and then you set yourself up to be one. We must re-program the computer that is our brain. We need to forgive ourselves. We must allow ourselves to make mistakes and yet, not have them define us as a failure. We can learn from some of the awful experiences in our lives and turn them into positives.

Joan was emotionally abused by her father when she was a child. He constantly reminded her that she would fail. He told her she was unattractive and stupid on a daily basis. Joan has had a multitude of failed relationships. She is convinced that no one could think she is pretty, or successful. No matter how much she has accomplished, or how good she has looked, she longs to hear the words of approval from her father.
As a child, we believe our parents and incorporate their words into our belief system. “Yes, Dad was right. I am unattractive and stupid.” Then when we succeed at something, we cannot take in the pleasure success breeds. When someone finds us attractive, we are suspicious and doubtful. This can make it almost impossible to be anything other than what you are labeled.
Or, you can simply acknowledge that this negativity is unjust. We can say “I am pretty and successful.” We can use this as a learning experience as how not to raise our children, or treat other people. We can experience our successes, and take note of them, realizing that we need not believe in what someone else has tried to convince us of. In other words, we can change the recording in our minds. It is important to realize that sometimes, making other people feel worse, makes some people feel better.

I remember the last time I played tennis with my father, an overly competitive, bullying type of athlete. I was quite advanced and my dad challenged me to a game. For the first time, I felt I could probably come pretty close to beating him, if not become victorious. As I ran my father from one side of the court to the other, I started to feel uncomfortable. I thought about what this would mean to my father (if he lost), and what it would mean to me. Having the personality and competitive nature my father did, I knew he would be destroyed and distraught. I then worried, what if something happened to him while playing? I decided to let him win. This defeat meant nothing to me, and everything to him. He gained his strength from the weakness of others. He taught me how cruel this could be. I, actually, would never even attempt to beat my children at any game, (which is not necessary justifiable). I wanted to build their self esteem, where mine was knocked down.
As an adult, I recognized my fathers need to succeed at any cost- even that of his children. I learned how painful and destructive this could be. When you grow up with someone like this, it makes it twice as hard to succeed. The tape recorder rewinds and tells us that we cannot succeed.
Tonight, I attended a group where forgiveness was discussed. Most of the 14 group members were not able to let go of their past, and remained crippled in their present. We worked on our strengths and how we could incorporate our experiences into positive thoughts.

This involves forgiveness. Most people, even those who fail miserably, do the best they can do. Someone who is angry, hostile, or mentally afflicted is not able to have successful relationships. Once we realize that the only behavior we can control is our own, we can go on to live successful, productive lives. Everyone who has left a negative mark on my life can no longer hold me back. Instead, they have taught me how to go forward more effectively. I definitely have forgiven them. With forgiveness, comes peace.

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.com