Infidelity

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

Infidelity is a huge problem in marriages and occurs within 30-60% of marriages at some time. It does not JUST happen. It is a symptom – not a cause. Cheating can occur for a number of reasons. Depression, boredom, lack of sexual intimacy, and need for excitement, are a just a few reasons that infidelity can occur.
Don’t believe that women are not participants in this practice. Men, are not the only ones who are responsible for extra- marital relations. Unfortunately, however meaningless the sexual relationship is, it can do tremendous damage to your marital situation, unless you have established an open marriage where permission is given to both partners involved to have sexual encounters outside of the marriage.
I, personally, feel that a “one night stand” is more able to deal with as a spouse, then a relationship that is on-going for a long period of time. When two people are involved, they are both responsible. However, if one of the people has nothing to lose, (i.e., are not married or involved), I would say that the person involved in the marriage has made a choice with consequences that are far more devastating to his/her life.
My ex-husband cheated on me. I come from a place where I understand what it feels like to be cheated on in a marriage. It lasted over a year. I am not an ignorant woman, and I would have picked up any signs of disloyalty, but nothing in my life changed at all. He left the house at exactly the same time every day, and returned home at the usual time. He answered my calls at work and participated in his normal poker game. He had a few short business trips, which I chose not to go on, due to the fact that I had young children. There were no clues- even as
I relived the year of infidelity in my head- I could find nothing.
How did I discover this encounter? The woman he was having an affair with, was engaged. Her fiancee, who knew about this, called my then husband and tried to blackmail him. He asked for an exorbitant amount of money, or, he was going to call me. My husband refused, and a phone call from the fiancee followed. The first phone call, followed by countless others, was just to tell me to ask my husband about a woman named Karen. The phone call came at 7 am, as I was getting my children ready for school. I did confront my husband, and after the kids left, he admitted his relationship with this woman. Interestingly enough, this was a ploy done by her and her fiancee for money. My then husband, actually believed she was in love with him. The phone calls continued, including one where I was told that Karen was pregnant with my husband’s child.
What followed was hiring a private detective to find out if this was true. Karen was actually pregnant, but it was her fiancee’s child. I did not find this out until several years later (after we had separated). Our marriage continued, in my mind, for the sake of the children. If I could have redone this part of my life, I would have ended it before it got to the part where this occurred. My marriage was not a good one, and we were not suitable partners. But, hindsight, is always 20-20, and I spent the next 6 years married to him.
I never regained my trust in him, and found myself constantly looking over my shoulder. I checked his pockets frequently- for any clues of anything suspicious. I blamed myself for being stupid and not seeing what was going on- although as I stated- nothing changed in my relationship. This episode has scarred me deeply. Although I have done a lot of work to get past it, I am still not a very trusting person when it comes to being involved with a man. My thoughts immediately go to an “untrusting” place if I cannot reach the man I am involved with for a period of time.
When one feels like having an affair, something is wrong. Although, monogamy may not really be a realistic expectation of marriage, it is a promise that is generally made and expected to continue upon the union of two people. My suggestion would be to go to counseling when these feelings occur and see if you can rectify the problem before it destroys the marriage. Fantasy, role playing, and other forms of sexual undertakings can shake up the marriage in a positive way. After the fact, is a very difficult situation. A good relationship is based on honesty, but, that is not always something that can be dealt with. Am I recommending dishonesty? No, but know your partner. If it was a one night affair, and you can live with it without it affecting the marriage, it might be best to put it past you, hoping not to repeat it.
If it is something that will not disappear, I feel you are obligated to be honest, and deal with the repercussions of your actions. It is better if your spouse finds out from you, then from someone else. I have dealt with infidelity in my practice for quite some time.
Denise had an affair with a man at work. They would go to hotel rooms at lunchtime, or she would pretend she had late meetings. She was involved in the corporate world. Drew, her boss, would tell her she looked pretty every day, and say the things that her husband had stopped saying after 20 years of marriage. Gary, (Denise’s husband), found out about the affair from Drew’s wife, who confronted Drew, and he admitted the affair. Of course, now Denise had to be honest about what happened. Gary was devastated. I have actually found that it is more difficult for a man to deal with this information, than a woman. I first needed Denise to take full responsibility for her actions. Initially, she tried to blame her affair on Gary, saying that if he was more complimentary and attentive to her, this wouldn’t have happened. In order to continue your relationship, you need to be honest and admit to your mistake in judgement. After several sessions, Denise finally understood what she had to do, as she desperately wanted to save her marriage.
I then saw Gary for a while, and helped him move on from this error in judgement by his wife. It is 7 years later, and they are still married, and have finally moved past this episode of the past.
Although, we can not make our mistakes disappear, we can take responsibility for our actions. We need to know when to do this. Sometimes we must think before we act. Mistakes happen. Be honest, and apologetic, and sincere. Remember what is at stake and decide how much you want what you have. If it is important enough to you to maintain your relationship, let your spouse know that you will do whatever it takes to make it up to them.
And, good luck!

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.co