Aging Parents

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

My mom has always been as sharp as a tack. She is 84, and aside from my 2 children, she is the only family I have.
Her memory is excellent, she is incredibly well groomed, and is great to be around. She has had a difficult life, with the loss of her son at age 32 (my brother), and her husband at 75. She has been widowed since 2001, and chooses to remain that way. She has suffered through numerous illnesses without a complaint.
My father was an extremely difficult, demanding man, and although she was deeply in love with him, her life is simpler and less stressful since his passing.

She is my best friend, and I am quite the overprotective daughter. There is no one else to be there for her, and I have had to assume this role since my fathers death 11 years ago. I have realized in the past 6 months, my mother has changed. She repeats things often, (something which she never used to do), and her eyesight has diminished greatly due to a diabetic condition. She lives 45 minutes from me, so I can’t just “pop-over” for a quick check, but need to make a plan to spend the day with her. I speak to her daily and try to see her at least every 10 days.

Dealing with aging parents is something we all have to face, unless their lives have been cut short by illness or tragedy. It is a huge ordeal to go through, and one cannot really understand what it is like, until you are there. I chastise myself for losing my patience with my mother, who, like other older people, start to exhibit more and more behaviors that are annoying. I am very lucky that my mom is independent, never complains, and is a “doer”. She can only drive short distances at certain times of the day, due to her poor eyesight and the glare of the sun. She spends a lot of time at home, although a few days a week, she is with friends. I have allowed her situation to prevent me from living my life in a different way.
I feel I must reside close to the area I am in, as if I moved, it would leave her in a place completely alone. I need to know where she is and where she is going. If she is not home at the time she normally is, I immediately begin to rehearse disaster.

I worry about her constantly, and although many around me have chosen to live a completely autonomous life despite their aging parents, I do not. At some point in life, our roles reversed. I am the worrier, the explainer, the one who takes care of things. I fix her make up or tell her there is dirt on her blouse. If she needs me, I am there. Would I move away if things were different? I don’t know but I don’t even entertain the thought.

Many of my patients come to me with the pressure an aging parent can bring.
Stan, a 56 year old man, has an aging mother who lives in Florida. He lives in a different state which is 3 hours away by plane. He has one sister, who he does not speak to, but also tends to his mother in a lesser degree. Stan’s mother tells him often about her dead sister who comes to visit her and messes up her apartment. This makes Stan crazy. Sometimes, it is necessary when dealing with older people who may have dementia, to come over to their side. I suggested to Stan, instead of arguing with her, and telling her that there are no such things as ghosts, tell her how fortunate she is to be able to see her sister again. How nice it is that she loved her so much she wanted to be with her. And, of course she can clean her apartment later, and just enjoy the visit.

Stan did not like my suggestion. He is very black and white, and continued to argue with his mother. After months and months of this bickering, he agreed to just try my suggestion. He did and his mother stopped mentioning her sister after several times. On the rare occasions she brings her up, I suggested Stan tell her to send his love.
Sometimes all people want is acknowledgement and affirmation that you believe them. This was enough for her. Although, she is a difficult woman, things have slightly improved.

Life changes people. It can make them more bitter, forgetful, afraid, lonely and depressed. Imagine how you would feel if you outlived most of your friends and relatives. We need to be more sensitive to the geriatric community. One day we will all be part of it, if we are lucky or unlucky enough- depending on our circumstances. Try to be patient and loving. Most older people are just lonely and want to know that someone cares. Try to reach out more often with a simple phone call or card. And most of all, don’t forget to say “I love you” before you no longer get the chance.

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.com