Helping Elderly Parents With Memory Issues/Dementia and Helping Ourselves

Posted on September 12, 2012 by Iris Arenson-Fuller, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Unfortunately, I have been through this several times now with relatives. At this moment my husband and I feel somewhat like a slab of turkey in the generational sandwich, having just returned from a week plus long trip to help settle his mother into an assisted living facility and to empty out her independent living apartment. There is always learning, though, from everything we encounter.

When we, the adult children have to cope with these changes, we should always bear in mind that as hard as it is on us, it is that much harder on the people in the center of this enormous transition. When they have confusion and/or memory issues, it is even more difficult for them. Confusion or emotional lability will probably be exacerbated at first.

If you have raised children, you have probably already learned some valuable skills that you can employ to help you help your elder family members. That is not to imply that they are to be treated like children, or not afforded the respect they deserve. I want to point out, however, that you may have tools in your arsenal that you have not thought about for a while, but you can pull them out, dust them off and use them now.

Remember when you made a move to a new home with little ones? Experts suggested that you load their personal favorite toys, furniture and personal comfort items last when you packed up or when you had movers pack up the truck. This way they could be unloaded first. This holds true for moving the elderly as well. It is helpful to set up the room (or downsized residence) in as familiar a manner as you can. Hang up favorite photos, unpack knick-knacks and memorabilia that will be comforting. Don’t feel the need to run out and buy all new things. A worn but familiar blanket or quilt and a few pillows from the old bedroom or living room can work wonders.

How about comfort foods? Can you stock up on a few favorite snacks to offer? Perhaps you can stop your unpacking to spend a few minutes enjoying a treat together using a couple of treasured cups and dishes, as a welcome to the new abode? Remember those impromptu tea parties or milk and cookie breaks with your kids even when you felt pressured and had a whole list of chores to accomplish? Think back to the smiles on their faces. You were making memories with them and in a sense, you are still making memories for yourself and for your parent, who may not be here with you for a lot of years.

If possible, engage your elder who may have some cognitive impairment in decisions that don’t overwhelm, but give some simple choices. “You have two radios. This one used to be in your bedroom. We can fit one on your nightstand. Which one would you like?” Sound familiar from days when you used to give your children a choice of which outfit to wear, or which lollipop? The red or the green?

Be prepared to repeat things. Changes in routine make remembering that much harder. Write simple instructions to post in prominent places. Keep reorienting but don’t argue or correct. Be matter of fact. If the family member gets upset, let her know you will be there as much as you can and that things will work out. If there is a meltdown or a tantrum, don’t expect to reason, especially in the heat of the emotions. Reassure and ride it out when you can.

Encourage rest when you see your loved one becoming overtired. Rome wasn’t built in a day and things can be accomplished later or tomorrow. Don’t provide too much stimulation all at once. There will be time to introduce more things and new activities once he or she acclimates.

Let your elder person express fear and sadness. That’s ok. Listen and don’t judge. Their fears may arouse your own because this is a time of change and loss for you also, but remember how it was with your little ones. You needed to be the adult then and in this role reversal you may need to now. Don’t be patronizing though and remember that the role reversal will probably not be met with enthusiasm. Be understanding and respectful as much as possible, and try to imagine yourself in a similar place, because everyone’s time comes. It’s ok to express that you feel sad but don’t focus too much on your own feelings. It’s not just about you, which may not be easy to remember when you are stressed, tired and worried. Express your affection in a way that is culturally and personally the style in your family. If hugging will make you or your family member nervous or uncomfortable, be low key, but express your affection anyway. For some, frequent hugs and kisses is the way to go, but if that is not how you have always done things, while it may never be too late to start, it may frighten your elder. A reassuring pat on the hand or back works too.

Your elder may show same traits or habits he or she has not always had. Perhaps your parent was very modest as a younger person, but now undresses in front of you or others and asks to be helped with toileting without apparent shame. The opposite may also occur and there may be reticence or fear around how he or she will manage with toileting, or showering. Explain simply, repeat (and be prepared to keep repeating in some cases) and let him or her know that there are others who also need that help and that it is ok to use the help that is arranged for or available.

Acknowledge yourself and your own feelings. You have a lot on your shoulders. If you still have kids at home or adult kids or grandkids to look after, you are probably feeling very burdened, even when you truly want to help your parent or parents. You may have job responsibilities that are causing you worry. You want to help but you also want to get back to your own life. You may feel a combination of anxiety, grief, guilt, shame and anger. All of those are normal and natural to feel when you are experiencing a change of this magnitude and when you see your parent slipping or becoming someone else. The past is not any easier for you to let go of than it might be for your parent. If you are the main helper and others do not step in to assist, you may have resentment too.

Work a little harder at taking care of yourself, even when you have less energy to do so than ever before. You really need this now. Try to get sleep when your body tells you enough is enough. Eat healthfully. Plan some type of reward for yourself after the move for your parent is accomplished, even if the situation will be ongoing or the crisis has not been resolved by the move. It is that much more important now to keep your support system of friends, spouse, partner, clergy person, counselor or coach in place. There are people who will listen and who can help you navigate this life transition.

Mary Pipher says, in her excellent book written in 1991 (Another Country-Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders),

She speaks of our society “needing new words like interdependency and mutuality, which take the sting out of the old-old age stage of growth”. She says that “good mental health for all of us is not a matter of being independent or dependent, but rather of accepting the stage we are in with grace and dignity”

For us, the sandwich generation, we are going through our own life stage with our aging parents, that brings challenges, but which also provides small windows through which we can find rays of joy and bits of learning. We are continuing to make memories, for ourselves and for our children, for whom we are modeling behaviors we hope to see emulated when we grow into our next stage and become the “old-old”.