When desires becomes expectations

Posted on August 31, 2012 by Rebekkah Slowley Psy BS CLC, One of Thousands of Christian Coaches on Noomii.

By Milan Ford

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought I’d dedicate today’s devotional to all of my fellow MARRIED believers out there. And for those of you who are still SINGLE, be sure to tuck this one away in a vault; you may need to read it again one day.

When I first got married, I like so many of you reading this today, had a box full of desires that I came to the wedding altar with.

Desires to one day purchase a new home.
Desires for when and how many children I wanted to have.
Desires as to how I would like to schedule quality time with my wife.
Desires for how I would like to save and spend our money.

And yes, I even had a desire as to what I ALWAYS wanted to see my wife wear to bed! I was convinced that Victoria Secret was going to be a staple in our marriage forever.

But after six years of marriage (our seventh anniversary is coming up this October), I found out something very interesting about many of the desires I had prior to getting married. All of them have one common denominator:

The letter “I”

Every desire that I had grown up thinking would be a core value of my marriage was rooted primarily in what “I” wanted and desired to see happen. And at first, nothing seemed to be wrong with that kind of value system.

Our wedding ceremony was incredible.
Our honeymoon was unforgettable.
Our first home purchase was essentially a snap.
And the birth of our first child was indeed nothing short of magnificent.

But over time, something significant happened. In fact, it happens to relationships all across this nation every single day. Perhaps it is happening to you right now.

The values I had coming in to my marriage, many of which I thought were great values to have, slowly became something they never should have.

They became EXPECTATIONS.

Somewhere along the way, the desires I had about what my marriage was going to be like became an expectation, and whenever a desire is confused with or transformed into an expectation, the dynamic of one’s marriage will drastically change.

For example: When a husband no longer ‘desires’ for his wife to assist with the cleaning of the house, but rather ‘expects’ her to do so, he (over time) may no longer become a husband to her. But rather her master.

Or (as another example) when a man no longer ‘desires’ for his wife to wear romantic lingerie to bed, but rather ‘expects’ her to, he (over time) may no longer see her as his wife. But rather as his ‘releaser.’

(I’d use a different word there, but I think you get the point)

The following passage of scripture is one I had read several times before, but after reading it again this week, the words written here struck me like a ton of bricks.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with washing of water by the word, and that He may present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.” – Ephesians 5:25-27

For six years, my wife has met, and more often than not, exceeding all of my desires and expectations as it relates what a good and loving wife should do. And yet, despite all of her attempts to make me happy, I realized that I tend to be entirely more focused on what she is doing, but not BECOMING.

I forgot that she also (prior to marrying me) had some desires as well. There were some lifelong dreams that she had that were not being fulfilled because her duties were confined to meeting someone else’s expectations.

She was not being ‘presented’ as a glorious church BY her husband.
But rather busy ‘building’ a church and sanctuary for HER husband.

Friends, that is not why Christ came.
And that is not what His love is all about.

So before you head out to that department store to purchase some new perfume for your spouse or significant other, and just before you reserve that table for two at your favorite restaurant this weekend for Valentine’s Day…

…be sure you carve time out to truly INSPECT what you EXPECT.

There perhaps may be no greater sign of God’s love than to free those in our lives we have held captive to fulfilling our desires. Let’s break this cycle once and for all.