Sex Abuse is Rampant

Posted on August 29, 2012 by John Davis, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

“It’s important to talk about it. You raise awareness. But you can also prevent it (child abuse) by not letting it be a secret.”~Chris Witty

I am always amazed at the number of victims of sexual abuse that I encounter in my private sessions. Not one day of sessions goes by that does not include a visit with at least one or more sexually abused person. From family members and trusted friends, to strangers and authority figures, the abusers come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. Working with men, I find very large percentages that were molested by their parish priests – more than society has really recognized. It is not uncommon for me to have two or three of them in a day. With women, the leading culprit is a father figure. The effect this has on these people’s lives is devastating, and often creates a lifetime struggle for them.

It is a lifetime struggle, that is, until they go through the process of releasing their personal fears and altering their direction. Forgiveness is what every therapist says must happen. But, before forgiveness can take place, two things must occur— acknowledgement and understanding. It is important that there be an acknowledgement that the abuse did happen and that the abused is not at fault. Once there is acknowledgement—a very personal process that is different for each individual— there can be an attempt at understanding. Without these two steps, acknowledgement and understanding, it is impossible for the abused to even conceive of forgiveness.

The remainder of this article will delve into the reasons why these types of abuse happen, so that it can help readers break through the barriers they may have lived behind and achieve that understanding. Let us break it down by gender and abuser, starting with the Men and the Parish Priest.

Men and the Parish Priest Priests are an interesting group. Many priests are truly caring, loving individuals that are just doing good work. Many individuals, however, join the priesthood because they feel shame for their very natural sexual desires and use the priesthood as a means for hiding from those feelings, whether straight or gay. Let’s look at their feelings of shame. First of all, many of these men grew up in Catholic families where homosexuality is not okay in the eyes of the “Lord.” When their natural feelings of homosexuality arise, they feel shame for those feelings, and suppress them. The promise of a devout, celibate life draws suppressed men to the priesthood like moths to a flame. For the gay man, the reality is that their homosexual inclinations are a very natural and normal part of who they are. The problem is that they feel shame for their natural tendencies and build walls around them.

In priests’ lives, they have suppressed the physical need for a natural way to receive love, and so, the desires must burst forth because they have halted the natural flow of love in their lives. This can lead to making bad choices. These choices then reinforce their feelings that they are bad people and should be ashamed. They struggle with this shame before, during, and after the horrible acts that are committed against the boys and girls in their charge. This all comes down to the simple fact that they are afraid of not having love, and find ways of justifying their lust as love. The damage this causes the world is farther reaching than most people realize. I see it all the time, in every city I visit. Every person on earth just wants to be loved, be they gay or straight, man, woman, or child. Our natural inclinations of sexual love can not truly be suppressed. There will always be some sort of release. The sexual side of our nature is a representation of who we are and how we express our love. Whether being born homosexual, or choosing homosexuality, love is never wrong. I take joy in helping as many of the abused as I can. I help them to find their way past these blockages in their lives, and show them that there is love and it can be safe and unconditional.

Women and Father Figures

The men who are abusive to women are usually the victims of damaging relationships with their own parents. Most of the men I have worked with had parents with addictions of some sort, alcoholism being the foremost. Addictive behaviors are a search for a better feeling, also known as love. The reason they search for love is that their lives are full of negative feelings like loss, abandonment, and self hatred. All too often, this creates a horrible downward spiral from one generation to the next. I frequently am working with men who as children, wanted the unconditional love of their parents. Instead, they received only conditional love and not fully understanding that they were denied what they needed, they fall into addictive behaviors just like their parents in a search for the feeling of love.

These men always have low self esteem. Sometimes that same low self esteem manifests in a very large ego. This ego is a power play where they set themselves in a position of power so that they are respected or feared. They view this respect or fear as being loved. This viewpoint then leads to a cycle of behavior that often leads to sexual abuse because the sexual satisfaction they receive from the bad things they do to innocent children is reinforced by the positive physical sensations. As addicts they are driven by the need for these feelings, but since they do not fully understand what love is, they are never satisfied and the cycle continues until broken. The good news is the cycle can be broken. The feelings of shame and desperation, the self-doubt and suppression of love, do not need to be passed to the next generation. Each generation has the power to choose. To break the negative cycle is to choose love.

Choosing Love

I believe that we come into this world to fully experience love (God/Universe). We do this by developing a healthy relationship between love and fear. Understand that you are loved at all times. You are not alone in your experience. You do not have to search for the feeling of love. We cannot know or experience love, without also experiencing its opposite (fear). Love is yours and you can follow your heart. Love will flow, and love denied will burst forth in self gratification. For the abuser: get help and stop the cycle now. For you, the current victims: tell someone so that people can help. For the people who suffer from past abuses: choose to release the anchors of the past by seeing the abusers as victims themselves and forgiving them. Then choose this to be a new day and love as you want to love. Be the best expression of love you can be. It is who you are. I love you.

“Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav