Taking Things Personally

Posted on August 15, 2012 by Maria Chatila, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.

Having just returned emotionally exhausted from a trip abroad that included inner development of my relationship with self, as well as my relationship with others, I realised that I had taken a lot of what was said and not said very personally. I was deeply hurt. Throughout the week-end, the phrase, ‘it’s personal, but it’s not personal’ was repeated several times. At the time, I didn’t really understand its’ meaning. In fact, I dismissed it as rubbish. I was convinced that when things are intentional, they are very personal. In the moment, my belief served me but now upon reflection, I realise that relationships are not black and white; there is a lot of grey in-between. Therefore, it is my mission in this article to discover how the issue of taking things personally serves the relationships between parents and children.

As I sat and waited 15 hours on a flight back to Dubai, I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘if relationship experts like me took so much personally while having years of experience and knowledge about relationships, what hope did the average family have in the cross-fire of parent and child disagreements? Mostly, I wondered if it were possible NOT to take things personally in a moment of deep emotional stress.

The Theory Behind Taking Things Personally….

The theories of relationships are vast and quite interesting. However, John Gottman’s theory of relationship is where my thoughts are focusing on today. According to Gottman’s study of couples and relationships, he created a theory called ‘the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’. Gottman claims that there are four toxic behaviours that can destroy relationships. The four being; Blame, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. It is my belief that ‘taking things personally’ falls into every one of those categories. In fact, I am bold enough to claim that ‘taking things personally’ may even come prior to any of the four toxic behaviours. Thus ‘taking things personally’ may be the cause of why toxic behaviour even exists.

In my years growing up, I experienced family members taking a lot personally. The outcomes were always the same. Hurtful words were exchanged, opportunities for revenge were prevalent and unforgiveness was declared. It was always with great sorrow that relationships had fallen apart and years of hurt were weighing heavy on all the individuals concerned. I always looked on at my elders and wondered why everyone was so upset. Why didn’t anyone love each other anymore?

Even a decade later, I witness those same family relatives still deeply hurt by the memories of the story that caused their pain. I realise that ‘taking things personally’ was enough for them to end their relationships because the anguish was much too strong. I still wonder what the prize has become for these individuals because from an outsider’s view, the prize seems to be loneliness and deep hurt. Who am I to judge, you may be wondering? True, I too have taken things so personally that the habit has stopped me from learning, growing and flourishing in relationships both near and far.

‘It’s personal, but it’s not personal’ Marita Fridjhon & Faith Fuller, President & CEO of CRR Global

Reflecting back to my time in San Francisco, I too was a victim to ‘taking things personally’. I believe that as primitive human beings, we are still trying to survive in this miraculous world that we live in. I too had been unable to ‘hear’ without ‘owning’ the words and feelings that were being expressed by the other individuals. I can still remember Marita and Faith saying to the group of us, ‘it’s personal and it’s not personal’. I can relate to that now because as a human, it is personal and it hurts terribly but if I am able to step away from the ‘emotional knee-jerk reaction response’, I would also be able to see that it is not personal because the other person is hurting and is expressing that hurt in any way they know how, whether it be skilfully or unskilfully.

Give Yourself a Chance…

We live in a time where technology has us doing amazing things that our ancestors would never have dreamt of. However, it is with great sadness and deep empathy that I believe, our personal development has not grown at the speed of technology. Our generation of people spend most days learning to be amazing professionals while taking for granted that our human interactions will keep up the pace. Sadly, this is not the case. Therefore, it is my declaration that we give ourselves a chance and that we become inspired to develop ourselves as humans in relationship together because the rewards will far outweigh any technological gadget. A thought comes to mind, ‘on my deathbed, I will not wish I spent more time Googling, but I will wish that I spent more time saying ‘I love you’ to my family’.

Maria has spent years living, studying, practising and learning about relationships. She has come to realise that she inhabits the roles of ‘people pleaser’ and ‘protector’ very well. In fact, just writing this article made her realise that she is still trying to ‘protect’ families from the anguish and pain that comes with reacting emotionally. However, for the benefit of learning and experiencing she chooses to use the wisdom of her roles and be inspired to write from their greatness.