Stuck: A storybook lesson

Posted on July 17, 2012 by Amy McGrath, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Every night before bed, we have story time with our 6-year-old daughter. Last night’s read was Stuck by Oliver Jeffers. In the story, young Floyd gets his kite stuck up a tree. He throws his shoe up the tree to try and get the kite loose, but his shoe gets stuck too. So he throws up his other shoe and that also gets stuck. Next he throws up a ladder, a can of paint, the kitchen sink, and orangutan … a whale. (Evidently he’s a strong little boy.) Finally, some firemen stop and ask if they can help. At last, you think, the firemen will solve his problem. Up he throws the firemen – fire engine and all – into the tree. That’s when Floyd realizes he’s in big trouble. Then he has an idea! Oh, yes! He’s about to figure this out … He goes and finds a saw. He lines the saw up the best he can … and hurls the saw up into the tree. But wait! The saw has worked. His kite is unstuck! All the other stuff is still in the tree, but what does he care? He enjoys flying his kite around for the rest of the day and goes to bed with a nagging feeling that he’s forgetting something.

I was eager to read the book based on the title alone because I’ve been coming across quite a few people who feel stuck. Feeling stuck is a function of our thinking. The more stuck we think we are, the more we believe we are stuck, the more we notice being stuck, and the more stuck we feel. We stay stuck by repeatedly thinking the same thoughts. In the process, we end up compounding the problem. A thought can start in one circumstance and carry over into other circumstances, leading to unhappiness in many aspects of our lives. Here’s a real life adult application of this storybook tale:

You don’t get a raise and assume it’s because the boss doesn’t value your work. You believe you must work harder to gain the boss’ approval and get your raise. You decide to come in a early and work late to prove yourself. She doesn’t notice the first week, but you try again the next week and the week following that.

After months of this behavior, other people start to notice a change in you. A trained expert stops and asks if she can help. You feel a bit relieved to have someone offer. Yet, you wrap your head around the offer with the same thinking – “Oh, this person thinks they can help me get my boss’ approval? I don’t need that kind of help. I’m already doing everything I can to make that happen. I’m too busy staying late and coming early to listen to this person. I’ll just work really hard to make this person like me too. If I gain their approval, that might make me feel valued.” You treat the helper the same way you treat your boss – thinking the same thoughts, repeating the same behaviors. When you think that even the helper can’t help you … well, then you realize you’re in big trouble and you move into brainstorming mode.

Alas, you have an idea! It seems brilliant – and maybe it is – until you apply your self-sabotaging thinking to it. “Instead of staying late and showing up early, I’m going to buy my boss flowers – and see if I can gain approval that way.” Your boss recognizes your thoughtful gesture. She starts to be nicer to you. She gives you compliments, telling you that she appreciates you. It appears that your brilliance has worked because something has loosed up a little and you experience some relief. You move on with life enjoying the high from her comments. In the back of your mind, there’s still a nagging feeling that there is something you have not dealt with – your sense of value and worth.

If you find yourself in a situation where you feel stuck and can’t seem to find a way out, here are some tips to help loosen things up:
1. Choose to think something different. Instead of thinking “I’m stuck”, try “I’m here.”
2. When you encounter an issue, determine what you REALLY want from the situation.
3. Take action and reevaluate. Ask yourself “did that bring me closer to my real goal?” Be willing to learn from the past and make adjustments to your tactics.
4. If someone asks if they can help, accept their offer and step back to observe their technique. This other person is equipped with their own set of tools that could provide a simple solution you’ve never thought of.
5. Reflect on your typical patterns by journaling about the situation. Have you done this before? If so, what did you do differently in the past to move ahead?
6. Have a coach read your journals. A coach skilled in journal reading can quickly identify the patterns of thinking that are getting you stuck, offer some new ways of thinking, and help you deal with the stuff you left up in the tree.