How to Give a Kick-Ass Apology
Posted on June 18, 2012 by Liz Wiltzen, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.
Great apologies enrich the lives of both the receiver and the giver.
Giving an authentic, from the heart, totally own your part in it apology just plain feels good. Yet it is amazing the contortions we will put ourselves through to avoid giving the real deal.
How many times have you found yourself saying: “I’m sorry – but…”, “I did it because…”, “If you had, hadn’t, did, didn’t, would’ve…”. And then there’s the classic: “I’m sorry you were offended, hurt, angry…” – this one is particularly sneaky because it does seem to express true concern for the other’s well-being, but let’s be clear, you’re still weasling out of owning your part. More importantly, all of the above approaches immediately put the other person on the defensive, and once they’re there, they can’t hear you anymore – they’re too busy building a defense.
Build Bridges Instead of Barriers
If it seems like we have no part in someone else’s upset, then our default is to get busy gathering evidence to support that position. What if instead we got curious and asked ourselves, “Is there any way I showed up less than optimally here? Even in some very small way, is there room for improvement on my end?” If you find something, which you will (unless you’re perfect), that’s the only thing to bring to the apology meeting. Anything about the other person’s outrageous behaviour is off limits, not your business, and out of your control. That’s their department.
It’s Not About Them
Here’s the thing, if your part is only .01%, and the other person’s is 99.99% and you fess up to your teeny tiny little piece and refrain from the temptation to point out their huge contribution to the conflict, you take responsibility for what you have control over, and let go of the futile battle to control what you can’t. Your part is handled, the rest is up to them, and this approach has the surprisingly empowering effect of minimizing your attachment to whatever their next move might look like. It connects you to the sense of well-being that comes from taking 100% responsibility for how you feel, 100% of the time, and frees you from the compulsion to get the rest of the world to act right so you can be happy.
Good to ponder:
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” – Benjamin Franklin
