Why I Divorced My Husband

Posted on May 22, 2012 by lll ccc, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Why I Divorced My Husband

I struggled with the idea of writing this. I’m a private person and am not one for revealing aspects of myself easily. I don’t judge; and other people passing judgement isn’t particularly appealing to me—especially if that finger points in my direction.
But my dislike for criticism doesn’t come from the place you believe it does. My distaste for throwing stones comes from a very simple philosophy. ‘Never interfere with another’s happiness.’ All of us have the right to peace, choice, and a blissful existence. As long as an individual doesn’t harm another in their search for happiness, I have no rebuttal.

We all encounter the need to please another at some point in our lives. It begins in childhood. There are those of us who exclusively live our lives this way, for the happiness and benefit of others. Not in the sense that we are service oriented and want to do good; but in a way that, we yearn for approval-from our parents, our neighbors, our relatives, our bosses… whomever. In general, we have been fed and indoctrinated to believe that desiring to please others is, ’ the right thing to do’.
Is it really?
Are we made to be door-mats? Are we made to have others forcefully live vicariously through us? Did you really want to be a doctor? Or did you study medicine because it seemed smart and everyone, including your parents, said you’d make money? Do you apply that same thinking to your clothing, your home, your car, your choice of colleges? Are you living for others?
If you have fear of what others say, and if you think twice before you do what your heart dictates, you’re living for others.
We all have dreams which many of us never realize because we put our needs and our desires second on the list. Sometimes we cross it off the list altogether. Our seeds never get sewn and therefore, never germinate.
I will be the first to confess, that in my quest to ‘do the right thing,’ I lost a large part of myself. I married a man whom others wanted me to marry. I married a man, based on a practical decision. I felt a great deal of warmth and friendship in the relationship with him, initially. Though it never escalated beyond that for me. He, however, fell in love. He was true to himself and his desires. He married a woman who he deemed compatible sexually and emotionally, who was trustworthy, attractive and a host of other things, he revealed.
At 24, I was a single mother of one child. I decided to marry a man who was my friend, who had potential and the innate ability to be a good husband and father. My family loved him. His family loved me. So, I married him without feeling any real conviction or connection, emotionally, spiritually, or sexually. The reality of this mis-match never really dawned on me. In particular, because I never thought sexuality mattered. But this belief, as well, stemmed from another disturbing place; at 14, I was a teenaged mother. The adults in my life-staunch Christians, made no qualms about telling me it was wrong to have pre-marital sex. As an added bonus, my pregnancy sparked even greater controversy. Watching the adult responses to my ‘mistake’ sparked conflict within me that haunted me for years. the notion that teenaged sex was wrong, translated- in my mind, to ‘sex is dirty,’ pre-marital or not.
This guilt constantly followed me and was instrumental in my decision-making processes regarding my personal relationships and how I sexually interacted with a potential partner. I wanted to get married, to prove I was changed, to be sin-free, to find approval, and to be a ‘good girl.’ This mindset was to my detriment; because this need to prove myself clouded my ability to get to know myself.
In seeking approval, I neglected to discover what I wanted in a marriage partner.
Trouble surfaced in our marriage in the beginning, when we had family interference from his relatives. For me, the big killer was the lack of sexual chemistry and true compatibility, coupled with his inability to set proper boundaries for his family. To be fair, my ex-husband and I rarely had arguments or trouble over the course of years that we were together—at least, what others would consider trouble. He was a ‘laid-back’ and ‘easy-going’ man. Never-the-less, the more annoyed and stressed I became, the more I realized I made a mistake in my choice. Yet, I continued on, determined to ‘work through it’, to ‘hang in there.’
It took about ten years, three children, a lengthy illness caused by suffering stress within the marriage, and finally finding a man who helped me to realize the emotional triumph of falling in love through a genuine connection, before I resolved to end my marriage. In doing so, I was truthful and open in my communications with my ex-husband. We remain very close friends.
It is with great sorrow, I admit that my new partner and my decision to end my marriage, cost me many relationships with my family and friends because they did not approve. In an effort to keep this post to a manageable length, I will say, imagine for yourself, the situations that resulted.
Thanks to my divorce, I am more confident, and able to realize my happiness. Freedom has afforded me the ability to commune with myself, discover my talents, including writing more. Pleasing others leads only to misery. Knowing myself, and having the courage to choose my path, allowed me to find others who reflected me, relieve stress and to do as many yogis advise, “follow [my] bliss.”