The wacky world of online dating

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Kate Carlton, One of Thousands of ADD ADHD Coaches on Noomii.

After 9 years of being single, I think I could say I have a master’s degree in online dating. I have been on Match.com, PlentyofFish, Jdate, Zoosk, MillionaireMatch, Senior people (over 50), Eharmony, and a multitude of others that have probably skipped my mind- or I have blocked out.
Not to say that I haven’t met and dated many, some long term, and some I have dated once and never seen again. On the whole, I must say the entire experience has not been a positive one (although I must admit to having met some wonderful people).

Of course, in my high school and college days, prior to internet dating, we met at parties, concerts, bars and the like. Not only did you get to see the person, but you got to witness how he acted in real life. No secret internet identities. No made up jobs. No speaking 5 languages and being an avid traveler. No world renowned accomplishments and no homes in 5 different countries.

Who doesn’t “love to laugh” or like to “watch the sunrise?” A walk on the beach and candlelit dinners is quite popular on the online profiles. Or, perhaps, your perfect partner is a list of all the things your past significant other did, that you no longer want. “I am looking for someone who doesn’t nag, won’t go to bed angry and does not criticize me.” How about writing what you do want- not about what you don’t.

What is particularly annoying is the ratio of men to women. It is like a candy store or a supermarket for single men. You can go down the vegetable aisle, and if there isn’t a vegetable that is good enough, switch to the aisle with cereal. Also remember, the pastry section, coffee, tea, canned goods, dairy, etc. Men can have a field day. Plus the age allowances. Society still approves of the older guy with the young trophy on his arm. The older woman with a man 20 years her junior- is generally thought of as unacceptable. And to be honest, the emotional maturity is a difficult match when the man IS age appropriate.

So, yes, women are at a huge disadvantage. I, for one, am also not a chameleon, as I have noticed that my friends who have “scored” in the single world have become. I have worked long and hard on myself to become the person I am proud to be. Need I really be someone else, or pretend to be, just because I want to be with a man?

Rest assured I do not need a man- I want a man. There is very little I have not learned to take care of on my own, and have been blessed enough to incorporate a few very caring, bright people in my life who can handle the few things that I am not able to do. It is not just women. I have noticed some men I have known in my past, are unrecognizable, as well, with their current partners. I am not at all alluding to compromise- which constitutes any good relationship; nor the fact that the chemistry between people is different. But I have literally seen people unrecognizable in new relationships and have walked away saying to myself “who is that person?”

And so, meeting a partner has become one of the most difficult situations- especially for older woman (past the age of 45). Men get to view well kept woman, in good shape, hair dyed, dressed nicely, or acceptably- and overall, presented well. Woman gets to view an older man, paunchy, balding, out of shape- or obsessed with being in shape. Under the preference section- (what you are looking for in a partner), these older, not so perfect men, fill in slender, and 10 years younger than themselves. And the interesting thing is they can be successful at finding that. So, what’s a girl to do?

I think the trick is looking for ways to make yourself happy that does not involve a man. I work, write blogs, have a website, work in the emergency room at a local hospital, volunteer to help third graders read, am in a book club, a movie club and have a few very close, special friends (both male and female), that I cherish the time with, am a dedicated mother and a devoted daughter. Do I worry that I may never find a man? Absolutely! And that does make me sad. But, I have tried to fill my life with enough things that are meaningful to me so that is not my focus a great deal of the time.

What is quite confusing about the internet sites is the question of why people contact you and then when you respond, that is the end of the communication. I understand, perhaps they met someone else, have an illness, relocated to a remote island, or just wanted to see if you would answer them. But, the number of emails I have gotten, which appear to be heartfelt, are abundant. Recently, after a long email I received from a less than physically appealing guy, I responded, thanking him for taking the time to write so much about himself and refer to items in my profile, (as I then was aware of the fact that he did not just contact me because of my picture, but who I was). I thought I would give him a chance, although he lacked some of the important qualities I was looking for, because of what appeared to be his kindness and sincerity. He responded to my email asking when would be a good time to call and could I give him my number. I did so, and then – nothing. After 3 weeks, I wrote him an email, telling him I expected nothing from him, but if he had a second, could he just give me an idea why he would do such a thing. I thanked him in advance, and wished him good luck in his search. He responded that he had been on a prolonged business trip and would be getting back to me as soon as he sorted out his “inbox”. Interesting. He could write me a two page email, but did not have the time to write- “will be out of town, will contact you when I return.”

Two weeks later I received a call which went to voice mail. It was him. He told me that it was ‘"Scott" from “the match game”’ and he was calling to see if “sparks would fly between us.” He left his number and said the ball is in my court. I haven’t thrown it back. I have learned to spot red flags a mile away. If it starts with them- run- don’t walk away.

I have quite a few divorced and widowed women in my practice. Some have been successful in finding partners. A great deal have not. Many think if they were smarter, skinnier, younger looking, richer or taller, they would find the perfect guy. The only thing I can help them do is feel better about who they are, and change the things they don’t like about themselves. I have tried to get them to focus on doing things that make them feel good that may not involve a person of the opposite sex.

But, unfortunately, this is a world where “couples” are more accepted then single people. I no longer have any of the friends in my life that I had when I was married for 25 years. I had to pick from the other women that became single, that I didn’t choose to befriend when I was married. I have learned to accept people with their limitations and take my relationships on an individual basis, getting from them and giving to them, what I can.

The bottom line- make your life worthwhile to you. Find what makes you happy, and happiness will find you. And, when the time is right- the right thing will happen!

Kate
http://www.eastcoasttherapist.com