Of Love and Language
Posted on February 29, 2012 by Maria McInnis, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
A basic guide to understanding communication in relationships
When it comes to communication there are many realms of misunderstandings that can occur. Words are spoken out of line, a person’s tone leads into an unintended hurt and relationships are broken. One of the most devastating of these breaks are the ones that occur in our personal lives with our friends, families and significant others.
In the best selling book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray there is much advice offered in bridging such gaps – particularly those within a romantic relationship. In it he provides a generalized overview of two very different communication models – That of the Kinesthetic communicator (Venus) and the Digital (Mars). While his book offers excellent advice on how to allow free and open communication between these two models, he only offers insight into part of the mystery of communication.
Though it may be true that Kinesthetics are in tune with their “feminine forces” of emotion, hands-on experiences and have a need for human connection, not all women fall into this model of communication. Just as many men are not Digital. The issue arises from the fact that these two communication models are on the furthest sides of the spectrum from one another. A K-Type person will find a D-Type person cold, unreachable and distant, whereas a D- Type will find a K-Type to be illogical, flighty and unreasonable.
The differences become immediately apparent, and though opposites may attract, and the two types find a balance in one another, communication becomes an increasingly difficult thing to work through.
When it comes to communications there are four basic communication types, along with a variety of sub-categories that will determine how communication should be established. The flexible speaker will deviate from their natural communication types in order to find common ground and create a natural rapport in which there can be easy exchanges between two parties.
Visual
V- Type communicators will speak in very visual language. “Do you see what I am saying?” they might ask when searching for some understanding. “They’re a very bright person,” they might remark about a person who has caught their interest.
Visual people tend to learn fast and make up a staggering 65% of the general population. Most public schools are taught to teach the visual learner, and advertisers are always playing on the visual person’s ability to take in their environment.
Audial
A-Type communicators will speak to a sound related audience. “I hear what you’re saying,” they’ll say to show understanding, or “That rings a bell,” when remembering something.
After V-Type people, A-Types learn the fastest, and they have a strong affinity for music, tonality and the spoken word. Approximately 15-20% of the current population is audial, and can be mollified through the right tonality over body language or physical appearance.
Kinesthetic
K-Types, as we have mentioned, are very in touch with their emotions. “I can’t quite grasp that idea,” they’ll say when failing to understand or “I feel that…” when trying to explain their own viewpoints.
K-type people are slower learners than the rest, and tend to need hands on training as opposed to spoken repetition and hand outs. Unfortunately this also applies to their experiences in the world. They need to have the sense of being understood on a level differently from the others. This means that when it comes to being a K-Type it can seem like only another K-Type can understand how you feel. Only 5% of the population are K-Types, and many “slow” students find that they are K-Types in a system designed for A and V-Type people.
Digital
Which leaves us with the D-Type person. If you’ve been following our math you’ll realize that Digital People (who can also sometimes fall into the A-Type category becoming AD-Type people) make up 10-15% of the population, a number that grows as the computer age continues to impact our lives.
Digital people might “Want to know if you understand them.” They have a need to “_realize_ what others are thinking.” When pitted against someone who doesn’t care what others think, only what they feel in their guts, problems arise very quickly.
Digital people spend a lot of time thinking to themselves and will literally shift through mental conversations over and over again before speaking on a matter. This silence tends to frighten K-Types, and sometimes A-Types who don’t understand the more methodical communicator that the D-Type is.
Observation
The most important way to approach a communication break-down is to watch, listen, and emulate the other person’s mode of speech. When one translates between the four communication types it is surprising what can be discovered.
Here’s an example of what I mean:
V-Type: “Why can’t you see what I’m talking about?”
A-Type: “Just listen to what I’m saying!”
K-Type: “I feel like you don’t get me.”
D-Type: “Why can’t you understand?”
All four mean the same thing, but all are spoken in the most basic of representational communications. By breaking down how a person is speaking we can begin the process of breaking through the haze of confusion.
By remembering that not every one communicates in the same way, we can begin to realize the obstacles and the opportunities available to us when speaking with others – especially those we care about.
Many times when a couple come in, trying to work through a dispute I find that communication types are often the issue. A V-Type might want a place to look better, while a K-Type will want the place to feel cozy and fill the home with comfy, but ugly, furniture. An A-type will want to talk something through, while a D-Type will try to sort through things in their own mind first to make sure they have their thoughts in order and that their argument will make sense.
Frustration will often settle in, and the couple will see no way out. They feel there is no understanding and no light to shed on their mutual path. Sometimes the communication breaks down to the point where a couple will argue on the same side of an argument and never realize it because of the difference in personal word choice. They will sense a circular logic, but not decipher the reason for it.
Communication, mutual understanding and observation is key in any relationship, be it personal or business-like. One must be willing to change their own wordings in things – a small sacrifice to make for understanding and peace.
So, next time your husband or wife looks at you and says “Why don’t you feel the same way?” ask them to help you to understand. “Help me to grasp what you mean.” The shift will not be missed.
Find out what type of communicator you are working with and work with them. Help them to understand, and teach them the same respect for language so that in the future there can be a middle ground through which real understanding can be achieved. Develop a love for your partner’s language, and you will develop a deeper love for them in the process.
