The Darkest Hour
Posted on February 21, 2012 by Maria McInnis, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
On the stages of grief and overcoming painful times
“Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a “map” for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.” – Anne Grant
In life we live in a precarious balance with our world – we move through it, live within it, and embrace the best and the worst. There is great joy in life, along with great sorrow, and both give us strength at their different prices.
We all have experienced loss at one time or another: the loss of a beloved object, the loss of innocence and the loss of a lost one. Robert Frost reminds us that nothing gold can stay, but once that golden light in your life fades, what then?
Out of everything we can lose, it is the people around us that matter the most. They are the ones who give us memories, bring us the gift of laughter and provide us with comfort in our darkest hours. Whether through break-ups, or moving, or death, people will leave us at some point in our lives, and we must accept their passing.
The first time I remember experiencing the death of a loved one was my uncle, who was lost to cancer, but as a child I never fully felt the impact of his loss. I went straight into anger at the cancer, but then skipped to acceptance after my mother allowed us to visit his graveside.
The first time I experienced true grief was when my grandmother died.
My grandmother was a wonderful, beautiful and strong woman who had raised five children and a beautiful garden filled with memories. Our family sat at her bedside as she faded away, and when finally the news came, it didn’t feel real.
They say that there are five stages of grief – a concept proposed by Kubler-Ross in their book Death and Dying. Denial is the first step: one in which the news isn’t yet real – we experience a disassociation, sometimes a coldness or a numb sensation that spreads through our being – sapping us of cognitive function and energy.
In many cases people will describe this disconnection as the feeling that “it wasn’t happening to them”. This is because the mind is using a defense mechanism in order to allow you to deal with the necessary steps. It is a form of shock, and can last for weeks if untreated. Shock affects your health, your diet and your thoughts. Moving past this state is very important to the healing process.
In the case of traumatic loss such as that of innocence this can go a step further, causing the person to feel that the event happened to someone else. Rape victims will often experience this same sensation, or people in accidents. It is a natural part of the human function. It protects from emotional overload, and allows your mind to shift through the minute details of how to proceed.
This denial is only temporary – eventually we must return to reality – no matter how painful the moment. After its passing you may find the world coming into a sharp relief; one in which you notice more details, the people around you and the things in your possession.
“Grief is the price we pay for love.” – HRM Queen Elizabeth II
This is when the hurt sets in – the pain and anger, the guilt and the envy. This is where self-destruction, self-deprecation and hate can settle in. It is also where some of the most healing can be done.
People in wars or accidents might ask themselves why it couldn’t have been them instead – or they rally a cry against a disease, or a person, or themselves. They blame doctors, engineering or God himself and set themselves into a state in which there must be blame set upon something so that their loss has a meaning, or a target which they can act against.
In a broken relationship blame can be set upon their loved one, or against those they later seek out for companionship. Envy can settle in, and anger can twist you inside out. Though we might rally against these things, encountering and creating new hates that are better off healed then allowed to flourish.
Some people turn to drugs, alcohol or things to distract their mind from the intense feelings they are having. Though this may seem easier than experiencing these intense feelings, it must be avoided. Feelings of remorse, envy and hate are misplaced and amplified in this state. Do not hide it, avoid it or escape from it.
The only way to properly move out of this stage of grief is to experience them – examine them logically – and look over the things that mattered in your time together. Find the joy and do not give in to the chaos.
When my grandmother died, I experienced this as a feeling of remorse – I lamented the time not spent with her, and the things I hadn’t said to her. I re-experienced ever feeling of guilt I had ever encountered in her presence and sank into a deeper sadness.
Some people move into a state where they may begin to attempt to bargain with greater powers to return their loved ones, or to post-pone their own fates. This can help to leech the anger away, but soon leads into a sense of depression. It is in this state that someone will lose their faith – and sometimes find it anew.
Nostalgia and a sad reflection normally follows these stages -one which people will often attempt to approach you and offer help. This may be replaced by a feeling of emptiness similar to the emotional shock, but this time you associate with the feelings. During this time the sadness is transformed into a feeling as intense as the anger, and it was in this place that I found myself after my grandmother’s death.
Led there by remorse, anger and disappointment this stage is as important as the last. This is where the real mental and emotional healing begins. When you enter into the darkest hour, away from the passionate fires of anger, it is important to remember to keep walking.
It is a path followed alone – even if there are people around you. It is where you begin to process the grief. Some people isolate themselves, but it is here where you must begin to remember the lives of those who you have lost, and your own happiness with them. The pain in this stage is an acute throb, but as you experience it, the pain begins to fade away.
You begin to reconstruct your emotions, leading from joy and celebration instead of sorrow. You begin to seek closure, and finally an acceptance of the forces at work in your life. This is when we come to the point where you know that everything will be okay, and that It may come slowly or all at once – but the pain does pass, and life moves on for you.
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” – Robert Fulghum
The Mexican festival of the dead celebrates this point – in which the dead are remembered for their lives and the impacts that they make and death is accepted as a part of life.
In break-ups this is the point where you take a deep breath and realize that you can love again and in trauma its where you come to accept that you cannot change the past, but that you still have control over your destiny.
Coming to this point myself was like having a dark veil lifted and suddenly it was as though I saw our time together as lessons of joy and love. I began to share my lessons with others, and through this found healing and the ability to accept her time in my life and her passing.
Moving through the darkest hour can be difficult, but the most important thing to remember is that tomorrow is another day, and that there is still joy to be found in the world.
