The Value of Empathy
Posted on February 09, 2012 by Deb Burnett, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
How being empathic can build connection and ease stress.
At one time or another, we have all encountered moments of difficulty truly listening to someone else. With such busy lives, we are easily distracted by the monkey mind, outside stimuli and soon listening becomes difficult. Listening is one of the key components to communicating with another, and to really listen and understand, you need to be an empathetic listener. Empathy is the art of understanding, being aware, being sensitive to and really getting another person’s feelings and experiences. With practice, we can improve our empathetic listening skills and therefore deepen our connection in relationship. Empathetic listening is a concentrated effort to ensure that the speaker feels that you are truly comprehending and valuing them without judgement. It is a skill that may not come naturally but can be improved.
One way to improve as an empathetic listener is to put yourself in the shoes of the other, and even if you haven’t experienced their exact situation, think of one where you may have felt similar feelings and then let yourself go there. As you’re listening, also pay attention to more than just the words. Non-verbal communication is sometimes clearer than verbal. Tone of voice, facial expressions and posture are great indicators of what may be going on with the other person. This will give you an opportunity to understand even better the feelings that they are conveying. Often if a person is deeply upset about something they have difficulty finding words, partly from emotional upheaval and partly from fear of being rejected or misunderstood. If you’re able to tap into this, even if it’s a guess, it provides a chance for connection and empathy to begin.
Paraphrasing can be used in empathetic listening, which is simply rewording the thought or statement made by the speaker to see if it was understood or needs to be clarified. For example, if someone is telling you about how they made a mistake in life by marrying too young. You may say something like, “I could see how it would be difficult marrying at a young age.” Reflecting feelings is also helpful when trying to connect with another empathetically. For example, you may say something like, “That must have been so painful for you,” when they are telling you about the loss of a parent, and are obviously experiencing pain in talking about it.
At the end of a lengthy conversation, it’s very helpful to summarize the main theme and feelings of the speaker. This again provides a deeper sense of empathy and provides a chance for the speaker to sort out what has been said and felt during the conversation.
It’s sad but true that our culture doesn’t often support empathy in social situations. We often move to sympathy, “I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I can’t imagine what that would be like”, or one-upmanship, “Wow, you think you’ve got it bad, I had a worse day than you!” or simply avoiding any connection altogether by not responding or changing the subject completely.
Empathy builds connection, eases one’s stress and allows the other to know that they are not alone in the world. Like any good communication tool, empathy is a skill that can be honed with practice, practice, practice.
