A confession and two lessons

Posted on January 28, 2012 by Stacy Kim, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I have the privilege of working with high achieving parents who are both talented and caring. My clients are already very good at pretty much everything they do. They have or have had successful careers, and they are wonderful parents. They tend to be smart, funny, engaging, and passionate.

You may ask, “Why, then, do these people need a coach?” It’s a good question.

They usually come to me because there is either something missing in their lives or something they want to do even better. For some, it’s a career switch; for others, it’s making sure that they nurture a passion outside work and parenting. Others have a specific project they want to do well, like write a book or get their child into the right school without going insane (which, it seems, is no longer just a NYC problem).

So here’s my confession: I learn more from my clients than they learn from me. My clients’ collective wisdom is like a bottomless treasure chest. I use it to help each individual client. I also apply what I learn to my own life. And I share that in this newsletter.

Whenever I struggle with what should I write about, I look to what I’ve learned from my clients recently. Here are two common, related lessons:

First, +I’ve learned that high-achievers expend quite a bit of energy beating themselves up+. The self-abuse is painful for me to witness because it is clearly undeserved.

These individuals are so talented and get it right 98 percent of the time, yet it’s the remaining 2 percent, or sometimes just .002 percent, that drives them crazy. It’s often the source of their guilt, and it weighs heavily on their minds. Some specific examples:
• A client told me she has “no work experience.” But when I saw her resume, her experience was actually quite varied and impressive. When I asked her why she downplays her unique career path, she said, “Well, I never worked for a top firm.”
• A number of clients tell me they are “overwhelmed and disorganized.” Yet when I ask them to bring in or describe over the phone (many of my clients are not local) their personal organizers/notebooks/calendars/to-do lists, I find that they already have really great systems that need only minor updates or tweaks.
• Clients will often say with frustration, “I got nothing done today.” But when we reflect together on the specifics of the day, we see that they actually accomplished a lot; it’s just that they were forced to do something necessary (e.g., take the car to the garage) but unplanned.

As you read this, don’t be surprised if it sounds familiar. We all do this. We all want to do better, and our brains are hardwired to hone in on the stuff that isn’t going right and fix it. Perfectionists, especially, are really adept at quickly identifying what’s going wrong.

Many smart people, therefore, have to train their minds to recognize what’s going right and keep things in perspective. In other words, they have to stop beating themselves up.

This leads me to the second lesson: When we focus on what’s going right, the solutions are energizing, creative, and far more expansive than merely fixing what’s wrong. I see this happen again and again with the solutions my clients and I come up with together when we focus on what’s going right.

To continue with the examples above:

• Once the self-labeled inexperienced client recognized the value of her diverse, less conventional career path, we developed stories and examples she could share in interviews to demonstrate her skills and accomplishments in a way that made her stand out from other, more conventional candidates. As a result, her confidence, enthusiasm, and hard work helped her land her dream job.
• When I help clients more carefully review what they specifically already like about their personal organizational systems, we are able to duplicate those features to make the system work better. For example, a client who loves writing in journals realized an electronic organizer was never going to work for her. Another client, who enjoys doodling on large blank pages, realized her small notebook was too confining. A third client, who loves to make lists, simply needed to find ways to put all of them in one place and make them more easily accessible.
• I tell clients whose days are frequently interrupted by children, clients, phone calls, emergencies, and so on to keep a “got-done” list next to their “to-do” one. Giving themselves credit for the unplanned tasks they accomplish not only lifts their mood but helps them to better cope with interruptions when they occur.

It isn’t always easy to see what’s going right. As I said, our brains are engineered to do otherwise. It helps if you have someone more objective watching out for you. So the next time you find you’re irritated by or struggling with something, try to focus on what’s going right. And, if you need help doing just that, give me a call or email me.

Stacy