5 Ways a Trauma Bond can make You Addicted

Posted on March 27, 2025 by Courtney Gossel, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Trauma Bonds appear to be the new buzzword if you have been on any therapy social media. This concept often gets confused and misinterpreted by many. However, Trauma Bonds are not a new concept and have been around since the beginning of relationships and were founded by psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter.

A Trauma Bond is a cycle of attachment that, many times, the people involved are not aware of. Professionals see this cycle of relationships happen often with those who are involved with someone suffering from severe mental health and addiction issues.

I see these cycles repeat themselves in my practice with most couples and individuals. This is because, many times, the steps of a trauma bond directly correlate to the development of addiction.

Let’s look at the steps of a Trauma Bond and how they compare with developing an Addiction together.

Stage 1: Addiction: Initial Use / Trauma Bond: Love Bombing

Trauma Bond: For relationships, this is when you meet and start developing feelings for your partner and enter into your relationship’s honeymoon (limerence) phase. The person initiating the trauma bond will love-bomb you by presenting the best parts of themselves and shower you with admiration, compassion, and love.

Addiction: For someone developing an addiction, this is the first time the person uses alcohol or substances and feels euphoric, elated, and all the relaxing feelings that accompany drinking or using. This could be at a social event or experimenting with friends. In a way, the alcohol or drug is love bombing, in the sense that the drug/alcohol is showing the person the best parts of drinking and using has to offer.

A cascade of hormones and neurochemicals is unleashed for both of these processes. This is why you feel euphoric, butterflies, excited, and more. This experience feels so good; your mind remembers it and craves more of it as you go on.

Stage 2: Addiction: Regular Use / Trauma Bond: Trust & Dependence

Trauma Bond: In this stage, your partner begins to gain your trust, and you start depending on them. In a way, they become a coping mechanism for you. This may look like being able to call them often for support or spending time with them during the weekend to unwind. In more severe situations, this can take the form of you moving in with them to help with the cost of living, or they encourage you to rely on them financially.

Addiction: In this stage, the person starts to use the alcohol/substance more often. This would look like someone drinking or using on the weekends or after work to unwind and relax. This slowly becomes a coping mechanism for the person and helps them deal with unwanted stressors and feelings.

In both these stages, the relationship and substance/alcohol become a trusted coping mechanism. The person will adopt this as their primary way of dealing with stressors and difficulties in life.

Stage 3: Addiction: Risky Use / Trauma Bond: Criticizing & Gaslighting

Trauma Bond: In this stage, things start to come up with your partner that they are not happy with. This could look like them commenting about how you need to do something right or show up in the relationship the way they want. They may comment about the burden of you being financially dependent on them. In this scenario, however, each time you speak up for yourself or point out their idea for you to rely on them, they will deny this or shift focus, saying you are too sensitive or taking things out of context. They then will love to bomb or do something to make up for the argument and reinforce the positives about the relationship. This cycle will repeat often.

Addiction: In this stage, the person starts to use the alcohol/drug more often. This can look like using on weekdays during work or secretly in public. The person has realized their coping methods work best for them when they don’t have to wait until the end of the week or day to cope.

These stages are correlated, as the person developing an addiction will gaslight or trick themselves by denying the risk they are taking by using the substances in public or during work because of the relief and good feelings they have when they drink or use. In a trauma bond, the same thing occurs. The more you start to see the red flags in the relationship, the more the partner will redirect your attention to the positives and pacify you (making you remember the butterflies and good feelings) to stay in the relationship.

Stage 4: Addiction: Dependence / Trauma Bond: Resign Control/Loss of Self

Trauma Bond: In this stage, you have been through the cycle of fighting for yourself and pointing out things you decide are no longer worth the time. You start agreeing with their criticism to have peace in your life and relationship. You may even begin to believe their opposing views about yourself and crave the love and attention you felt at the beginning of your relationship. You may fear losing the relationship because you cannot imagine surviving without this person’s physical and emotional support, and you will refrain from fighting and arguing to keep the peace.

Addiction: In this stage, the person will start to notice they become physically or emotionally sick when they do not use/drink. Instead of this becoming a coping mechanism to get through the day, it is a requirement to feel normal. The person will end up using more and more to feel high because their body is used to the amounts they were using.

In both these cases, the person is doing what they need to do to get through the day and have the relationship/ addiction survive. If it does not survive, there will be consequences, such as the inability to support yourself emotionally and physically. You have become reliant on the person and or the alcohol/substance and can’t imagine a life without them/it. Therefore, you both lose the concept of yourself to maintain peace and resign control.

Stage 5: Addiction: Addiction / Trauma Bond: Addiction

Trauma Bond: In this stage, you are constantly fighting for the good in the relationship, and sometimes you experience it, and when you do, this is enough to keep you from trying to leave. During the hard times, you feel stuck because of the consequences of leaving and feel you cannot leave the relationship for several reasons. However, you keep coming back for more because you know your relationship can be good and are hoping your partner will change and return to stage 1.

Addiction: In this stage, the person continues the cycle and denies the risk of the alcohol/substance because they physically and emotionally feel they cannot live without it. The person continues to use more to feel good and euphoric, which at times they do. They continue to use and chase how life used to be in earlier stages.

In this last stage, both constantly chase their initial feelings of stage 1. Sometimes, they may experience the good but they are few and far between. You may feel there is nothing you can do about your situation, and you continue to survive daily, hoping it will be a good one.

If this sounds like your experience, you may be in a trauma bond or an addiction. Many times, relationships can be addicting, and this is how it develops. There is hope for you, and you are not alone. Trauma Bonds and Addictions happen without our knowledge and before we know it. Support from a professional specializing in relationships and addiction can help you break this cycle. Start surrounding yourself with people who are supportive of you, and that can help you make a plan.

Remember, you don’t have to end the relationship but must help yourself. Options are available, and you don’t have to do it alone.

I’ll see you next time.

Courtney Gossel, MA, MFT, LCDCIII, Life Coach