HAVE YOU HAD A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE? ARE YOU STILL SUFFERING FROM THE PAIN CAUSED?

Posted on January 21, 2025 by Grace Anderson, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

.HAVE YOU HAD A BREAKUP OR DIVORCE? ARE YOU STILL SUFFERING FROM THE PAIN OF WHAT HAPPENED? BY DR GRACE ANDERSON.

I know how that feels, because I went through a divorce when I was in my early forties. I had six young children, and my Ex left us without any money or any support. He left us in London, UK, and went back to Nigeria and married two new wives – both of them at least 25 years younger than he was then. You would be forgiven to wonder why a well-known Barrister would so such a thing!

He told me casually: " Feel free to join my young wives…the more the merrier!" And he laughed in my face. Well, I told him to “Go to Hell” and I asked for a divorce!

After that, my pain and suffering began. I felt acute loneliness, even though I had three of my children with me – being younger than my first three kids who were in Nigeria. I cried a lot. I felt out of place in society, because I no longer had my identity of “MRS GRACE……” It was devastating!
So, I know how you feel.

Despite the pain you currently feel, it would be necessary for you to start the process of accepting that this has happened, pull yourself together, take back your control, and begin to live your own life.

Here are some steps you can take to start on your healing journey.

Step 1. It’s okay to cry, but don’t cry for ever!
You need to let out your pent-up emotions. You can cry, but a time will come, when you need to stop crying. “Too much of anything is bad”, as the saying goes. I used to break down in tears, while teaching my students English Literature, in a London school. Any mention of love or romance, or marriage, triggered my tears, and my students would send one of them down to the Headteacher to tell him that: "Miss is crying again”!
But you don’t want to be like that.

Step 2: Get Rid of Your Triggers, especially at home.
Do you still have photos or images with you and your Ex , or with just your Ex in them? If yes, put them down. Hide them in a cupboard or in a box, so they are no longer staring you in the face, reminding you of your partner.

Step 3. Seek Support.
Do you have family members who are kind and supportive? If yes, seek their help and support. They can help you with School runs, childcare, and even be there for you and listen to your side of the story, if you must tell them. But such regurgitating of your pain will bring the intensity of that pain back. You don’t want that.

Step 4. Get a good Lawyer.
If you are still going through the divorce, make sure you have a good lawyer who is not too expensive. Some lawyers are not very empathetic. So, choose who you hire very carefully.

Step 5. Maintain a Cool Composure in Court.
It would be a disaster for you, if you were to break down in tears during your court hearings. That would just give your Ex a good reason to laugh at you. He would say you are a “weakling”. It would boost his big fat ego even more, because people looking on would feel that he is the stronger party. So, try your best not to give him that pleasure.

Step 6. Create an Effective Boundary To Protect Your Emotions.
It is important to create an effective boundary between you and your Ex.
You can stop answering his phone calls or text messages whenever he calls. You can say to him: “I am not going to respond to your text or phone messages, because I need to uphold a boundary between us”. Tell him to reach you through your Solicitor, if he has anything to say to you. If necessary, change your phone number. You should consider doing this as soon as possible, especially, if your partner has been abusive towards you.

Step 7. Choose Your Friends Wisely.
This is a part of caring for yourself and your emotional wellbeing. Some friends, especially female friends, are very nosey. They will keep prying into your affairs, so that they could feel much better about themselves. They could take what you tell them and magnify it and retell those stories to their other friends, thus sharing the gossip about you.
So, be strong in yourself and stop re-telling your woeful breakup story to your so-called friends! Create a strong boundary between you and such friends and protect your emotional wellbeing.

Step 8. Practise Self-Care.
Be kind to yourself. It is often common for one in your position to “beat themselves up”, because they feel they could have done things better or differently. It is easy to keep asking yourself why you didn’t see this coming, or if you saw it coming, why you didn’t do anything to stop it happening.
Also, learn to forgive yourself and your partner. Hard, I know. But you can’t change the past! So let it go. Stop beating yourself up. What has happened cannot be changed. Accept the situation and find positive and interesting ways to recover from your pain. You still have a life to live. Start the process now, so you can get over the pain and rebuild your life positively!

9. Practise Mindfulness and Meditation.
Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings will make it easier for you to debunk negative thoughts and replace them with what is current – in the here and now. Stop wallowing in the past. Be mindful of your life and activities at this time. Leave the past where it belongs – in the past!
Then useful Simple Deep Breathing Meditation Exercises, to calm yourself down, especially, in the mornings and evenings. You will find that you will sleep much better at night.

I wish you well.

My Invitation To You.

If you need a Coach to help you make sense of what has happened and, also show you how to overcome your emotional trauma, I am here to help!
Feel free to reach out to me by Booking a Free Discovery Call with Me..

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Thanks for reading my article!
Dr Grace Anderson.