On Fear — And How Facing It Can Change Your Life

Posted on December 24, 2024 by Bency Goldman, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Disclaimer: When I talk of fear I am referring to learned fear and learned (or imaginary) consequence, as opposed to survival-based fear which is necessary to react to immediate danger.

Note; There is some disagreement in science as to the exact definition of fear and whether some of our fears are strictly innate, ie; biological versus subjective. However, there is common agreement that fear serves the functional purpose of a ‘defensive response’, which would incur that there needs to be an accompanying consequence for a fear to exist in the first place. Due to the variance in environmental conditions amongst humans, there will be a broad range of responses deemed ‘essential’ by some, that are of course not deemed essential by all.

Introduction

One of the things I learned in the past few years about fear which was fascinating, is that when one fear is replaced with a greater fear, then that original fear becomes almost irrelevant. The good news is that the delegitimization process of the original fear shows us the feebleness of our fears, and how much of a concept it really is.

No one likes to be told that their fears are just a ‘thing in their head’, but I can’t stress this enough — 99% of our fears are self-inflicted! We of course don’t realize this, seeing as our programming has conditioned us to unconsciously justify the fear as rational and in our best interest. Trust me, as a person who is a master self-rationalizer, and overly logical at times — I’ve tried to convince myself out of this idea multiple times, and about some of my deepest fears, but I lose every time.

An example of how fears re-arrange is; after I went into withdrawal from my favourite addiction, I all of a sudden started doing improv, stand-up comedy and Systema (‘Russian MMA’) — all things I procrastinated and rationalized away because the truth was — I simply feared doing them. So why did I all of a sudden not fear them? Well, quite simply, the fear of never being allowed to partake in my addiction anymore (and the current state of pain) was far greater than the fear+consequence of looking like a fool at an improv class, or standing up in front of a group of strangers and telling jokes, or not being able to hold my own in a very difficult martial art. These were all re-sized to be highly insignificant in place of me having to live a life without my go-to pain reliever.

On the more abstract side of things, as someone who’s lived with severe depression (and occasional panic attacks) for the past 14 years, I’ve had a unique insight into the irrational nature of fear, and how our psycho-spiritual or ‘energy’ state actually dictates our current fear levels.

Although I’ve mainly experienced depression, I have also experienced states of hypo-mania (not enough of them of course;p), and during these elevated energetic states, my fears are hardly to be found, yet when I inevitably enter the consequential ‘down’ period, the fear returns. This shows me that the presence of fear is not subject to rational thought, but rather the energetic spirit that we embody. When our hearts are full of love for self and for the world — fear has very little space to occupy in our minds, and conversely, when there is resentment, anxiety, worry, and all the other low vibrational energies occupying our mind-body-spirit — it is then that fear begins to take over the driving seat.

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Fear is not logical

Of course, we need certain logical fears to protect us from danger and for our survival, but most of us don’t live in the wild and most of us are privileged enough to live in civilized neighbourhoods where modern life provides a certain level of comfort that is well beyond survivalism. In today’s day and age, there are ironically however epidemic levels of anxiety, it’s something horrible, and it used to be a part of my daily life and existence. Thankfully, as I’ve grown my understanding of the mind and employed practices to strengthen it, I don’t experience states of anxiety anymore, and if I start to worry about the past or future, I simply return to my body and the present moment (easier said than done).

The reason why the present moment is the antonym of anxiety is of course because anxiety is a fear projection into the future, and in the context of the present moment, unless confronted with immediate danger — anxiety is impossible because the future does not yet exist.

Example of the subjective nature of Fear

I didn’t think twice before entering a war zone where my life was at considerably higher risk than usual — but I do fear surfing (probably due to shark attacks growing up), even though I know statistically it’s much more unlikely that I’ll get killed surfing, than in a war zone.

I’ve walked in the wild, where lions roam free, yet I fear that much less than going to a networking event alone where I have to make small talk (sober). Is that logical? Or perhaps I should bring a wildlife guide with me to networking events to navigate the absurdities of human social behaviour?

My point is; fear is clearly subjective to the individual which means ‘fear’ as a concept doesn’t exist universally as a shared experience, rather it is a highly personal perception of experience — whether that experience is a person, object or place. Our fears have clearly been created by us (our upbringings, experiences and received messages from society).

Now that doesn’t mean our fears aren’t legitimate, they are in our minds designed to protect us, and we can’t ignorantly accuse someone else of their fears being invalid. However, it does mean that since our fears are learned, perhaps they can be unlearned. So the question inevitably is how can we unlearn our fears?

The bad news is, unless we have a tragic memory-erasing accident, we can’t. The good news is we can overcome them. And more importantly — we can use them to guide us.

Example of Breaking Down Our Fears

Although I can’t relate to this one as much, I’ll use it since it’s the most universally common one:

“I fear public speaking”.

You don’t fear speaking in public.

You speak in public all the time (unless you’re some internet incel).

What you really fear is speaking in public in front of people who you aren’t extremely comfortable with.

Perhaps you fear doing it in front of more than X amount of people or X type of people

Why?

You fear the perception/response of X people (even if you do well).

You fear not being perfect (perfectionism is really the fear of unworthiness).

You fear how you will feel if it doesn’t go as you or others expect it to.

You fear how you will treat yourself after the speech if you don’t smash it.

ie; You fear yourself.

(yes there are trauma-based fears around things, like if you gave a class presentation as a kid and everyone pointed and laughed, you will have a negative association with public speaking, but to me that is even more reason to then face and overcome that thing)

How our fears can guide us

The great paradox of fear is that the majority of the time instead of protecting us from so-called danger, it protects us from our potential (see ‘shadow work’). Meaning, that the things that we fear the most, can often be the things that we need to do the most (for our fulfilment). I recently read some journals from a few years back when I began the process of recovery from addiction, and it fascinated me to read what I feared, to spare you the details and in plain and simple English — I feared becoming a healthy person. But that is exactly what my soul needed, what my life needed, yet it was the unknown, it was not my identity, it was a life I (thought I) resented. One of my favourite quotes of all time which I’ve felt permeate through my body at different stages of my life is:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Marianne Williamson
(rest of quote at end of article)

Despite my anti-fear agenda, fear is still very much needed in our lives, because without the presence of fear, there is not much to live for. Meaning, if we didn’t have goals and dreams that slightly scared us, we would feel a bit dead inside because, well, what the hell is this all for then? The question we have to ask ourselves is — are we letting fear guide us, or are we using fear to guide us?

What I do know is true, is that fear and excitement have the same symptoms in the body so we can’t always differentiate between the two. All the more reason not to believe our every fear.

The universe also has a funny way of rewarding intention+effort, and facing our fears can be a powerful awakening to the powers that lie beyond the conscious.

On a personal note, being FULLY myself in the world was a fear I didn’t know I had until I tried to actually do it (despite hundreds of hours of psychotherapy and journalling). Sometimes we discover our fears simply by noticing where there is resistance. And now that I have freed myself to be myself, I have been privy to opportunity and abundance that I have never before seen in my life. Yes, one could argue that being in alignment produces more resistant-free results, but there is also an abstract field at play here, which I personally believe to be The Divine (more on that at the end).

How to overcome our fears?

The old adage says in order to overcome your fears you need to face them. Now of course, not all fear is created equal, and there is nuance to the timing of facing different fears. Just because we may fear public speaking, there are better opportunities than others to start facing it.

What is important to understand first and foremost, is the mechanics of fear, and specifically the mechanics of our individual fears themselves. For example — we fear what we do not know, and most of our fears are shadowed by their more powerful and over-arching fear of uncertainty, which is of course deeply embedded in each of our individual fears.

Whether it be starting a business, holding a tarantula, or public speaking, the fear is sure to be strongest the first time we attempt any of those things, and gradually the fear lessens, until eventually it disappears. People who have started multiple businesses may be aware of the risks, but they don’t fear the act of starting. People that do public speaking for a living, still get nervous before big events, but they don’t fear the act of speaking in public like the first time they did.

Until we know we’re good at something, we still have fear around it. Unless the process of becoming good at something is something you enjoy (in which case you’re a top 1% human).

I know this not just from reading books on the science of fear, but from actually facing some of my deepest fears by walking directly into them, and eventually, the fear dissipated, and the more I got good at that thing — the less I feared it of course. From this, I learned to separate fear into stages and to expect higher levels of fear when attempting new things- simply due to my lack of knowledge in that specific area.

Fear and Confidence

There’s also the added benefit of increasing both your self-esteem and your self-confidence through the act of facing your fears. You become more powerful every time you do it. I think part of the reason is that you are taking a negative message that you’ve told yourself for who knows how long, and then you are flipping the (internal) script each time you do that.

You confuse the ‘mini-me’ who constantly wants to tell you how “you can’t do this, or you can’t do that”, and then you go and bloody do it! And the little devil is like “Wait, what? I’ve been telling you you can’t do that your whole life! What do I do now? Is anything I say true? Am I even real?”. Over time this quietens the ‘mini-me’ because we don’t believe the things it tells us that clearly have the potential to be proven untrue.

If it tries to tell you “the sky is green”, you wouldn’t even entertain it because you know for facts the sky is blue. But if it tells you things that aren’t proven categorically false, and have a chance of being true — we give it the time of day. For things that are, let’s be honest, 99% of the time they are self-defeating entrees. served with a generous side of doubt.

The spiritual act of facing our fears

In conclusion, many people who grow up in extreme religious groups develop a very unhealthy relationship with God. It is driven by fear of God and more precisely — fear of sinning. Most rational people would agree that every child is born pure, and most religions agree that every child is born in the image of God. The act of facing our fears, is not at all separate from the act of returning to the purity of our child-selves, embracing our deepest curiosities and ‘lofty’ dreams. Dreams and curiosities that the adult world suppressed and silenced, in the name of ‘becoming an adult’, or ‘living in reality’. So to me, the return to ourselves is the greatest spiritual act of all, for it is nothing short of returning to God. After all, we are only unravelling the natural talents and curiosities the good Lord gave us at birth.

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”

Joseph Campbell or Carl Jung (I forget)

And of course, if you want support in facing your fear/s — Call me.

Quotation Continued:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”