Overcoming loneliness

Posted on December 08, 2024 by Clarissa Le Peltier, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Ah, the joy of connection with others, right? It’s a beautiful experience that unlocks the door to peace and joy, but it isn’t always easy to find. As we grow up, our paths can diverge, leading us away from the closeness we once had.

Those endless evenings spent on the sofa with a housemate, sharing beans on toast and watching New Girl, suddenly transform into sporadic catch-ups at a distant friend’s child’s first birthday party.

You never wanted this.

You feel alone, isolated, and unhappy, and a sense of FOMO confuses you. While you don’t necessarily want the life your friends are living, you miss the times when you all navigated adulthood together. It feels as though you’ve lost something, or perhaps you’re grieving a life you haven’t yet experienced. You’re uncertain about how to move forward.

You start asking yourself:

Maybe I want a partner?
Maybe I should go travelling?
Maybe I should do what everyone else is doing and buy a house?

This cognitive dissonance is exhausting. And I hear you — I’ve been there too.

I want to reassure you right away that you’re not alone. Somewhat alarmingly, the Office for National Statistics in the UK reported in January 2024 that around a quarter (27%) of adults said they felt lonely always, often, or some of the time; 7% of adults reported feeling lonely always or often, and 20% felt lonely some of the time.

This means that feeling alone is extremely common.

In classic life coaching style, I want to provide you with steps to overcome this loneliness so you can start feeling more connected and at peace!

When I feel alone, it’s usually because one of three forms of connection is missing. I like to break these connections down into three categories:

Connection with self
Connection with others
Connection with nature

If I’m ever feeling off, I refer back to these three forms of connection and identify which one is lacking. Let’s discuss them:

Connection with self:

Connection with self forms the foundation of all other stable connections. To truly connect with the outside world, you must first connect with your internal world.

I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to get to know yourself. Don’t distract yourself from your own needs, values, and desires. Only once you’ve done this can you identify who you want to be. As they say, your vibe attracts your tribe!

Here are some questions to ask yourself to ensure you’re connecting with yourself:

What do I need right now in this moment?
Which boundaries need refreshing?
What am I doing that is making me feel anxious? Is this in line with my values?
What can I let go of?
What change would I make today if I knew it was my last day?
What is a simple action I can take today to reinvest in myself?
If you struggle to answer these questions alone, working with a coach can help you move forward with direction, purpose, and alignment with your needs.

Connection with others:

Connection with others often feels out of our control, like we can’t find “our people.” This one has certainly caused me to spiral in the past.

There’s a classic saying: “It’s really hard to make friends as an adult.” Yes, it is hard, but that’s no reason not to try.

The most impactful thing I’ve learned is to take control and kick that victim mindset to the curb!

My main piece of advice here is simple: just do it. Move to a new city. Go to that running club you’re too scared to attend alone. Don’t hesitate to reach out to people you find interesting.

If there’s someone you admire, someone you think, “Wow, they’re so cool. I wish I had their life,” then become them! Immerse yourself in new hobbies and activities, and you’ll realise that your people are waiting for you.

I also want to stress the importance of not depending solely on a romantic relationship for connection. When we feel lonely, we might become desperate for a partnership that nourishes us. While this is natural, longing too deeply can lead us to overlook incompatibilities.

We might settle for the wrong person simply because it feels easier than being alone, ignoring our deeper needs. This creates a false sense of connection. Instead, focus on spending time in ways that genuinely feel good. The right people — both romantic and platonic — will naturally find you.

Connection with nature:

Finally, it’s essential to get your “greens and blues”— spend time in nature.

A 2015 study by Gregory N. Bratman and colleagues explored the effects of spending time in nature on mental health. They found that participants who took a 90-minute walk in a natural setting reported significantly lower levels of rumination, a thought process linked to depression and anxiety, compared to those who walked in an urban environment. These findings suggest that even brief exposure to natural environments can improve mental well-being by reducing negative thought patterns.

Find an activity in nature that’s personal to you, something that transports you away from the digital and hectic modern age. For me, it’s surfing. Being in the water, flowing with the waves, is cathartic on another level. There’s nowhere else I need to be — no social media notifications, no other priorities. I’m simply connecting with nature. It’s bliss.

How do we put this into practice?

Don’t wait for a crisis; make it a part of your weekly routine. Set aside half an hour on a Sunday with a cup of tea and ask yourself: Where can I fit in my “three C’s” this week? Make sure to put this time into your diary to ensure it’s locked in.

If you’re struggling with this, we can work on it together, using life coaching tools like the circle of life to determine what meaningful connection looks like for you. By intentionally fostering these connections, you’ll find yourself more fulfilled and at peace.