Throwing Shade and Our Shadow Selves
Posted on November 26, 2024 by Todd Leonard, One of Thousands of Spirituality Coaches on Noomii.
Passive-aggressive actions & sarcastic responses, while clever, often reveal something darker about us rather than putting someone else in their place
I certainly am no stranger to the delight of well-targeted sarcasm and passive aggression. They are elixirs of the gods. But if you savor these forms of communication like I do, we do have to finally admit to each other why we default to them so much: we’re cowards. Yes, of course, we’re clever and witty and so much smarter than the average bear. But we’re cowards.
Why? Because:
1) If we have a right to be upset at another person’s behavior, we ultimately don’t want to take the risk of that person being displeased with us for a little while or a lotta while. So we’d rather play games and stay “sorta” friends or colleagues rather than work things through to a stronger, deeper level.
2) And related to number one, we can’t handle confrontation and conflict, which are natural parts of human interaction. People in all forms of relationships need to be able to bring up the shit with each other, since shit is a natural byproduct of living. After a couple times of working through conflict, you’ll even figure out it can happen without screaming and yelling (if you both can take a chill pill before you have the conversation).
3) If we don’t have a right to be upset at that person and are just being snippy because they’re being annoying or they’re in a position of authority over us, we don’t want to face the fact that we’re unhappy with ourselves. And this is too overwhelming for us to face without a box of wine. But, if we were to do the inner work of self-acceptance, we’d find that a number of the things that used to piss us off in others don’t bother us like they used to.
Then, we can employ passive aggression and sarcasm where they belong: in the interchange with other similarly-gifted friends and colleagues where we can snidely give and take shade, without offense, amongst those who appreciate the true artistry of it.
