Must Haves vs Wish Lists

Posted on October 27, 2024 by Charu Seth, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Have you ever felt frustrated in a relationship, personal or professional? Maybe a friend constantly flakes on plans, or a colleague leaves you hanging on a project. We all have expectations, but are they always clear and well-defined? More importantly, are they actually requirements, or just fluffy wishlist items?

How about walking away from a conversation, feeling unheard or misunderstood? It happens in all kinds of relationships – romantic, professional, even friendships. We often get tangled up in a web of expectations, leading to frustration and resentment. Often, the source of these frustrations boils down to a critical disconnect – the difference between must-haves and wish lists.

But what if I say there’s a way to untangle this mess?

Enter the power duo: Must-Haves and Wish Lists.

As a Relationship coach, I see clients struggle with blurred lines between these two concepts. Must-Haves are your non-negotiables, the deal breakers. They’re the foundational needs that a relationship must fulfill for you to feel happy and fulfilled. Think of them as the pillars holding up your relationship.

In my experience I’ve often found that unrealistic expectations have been a major factor in relationship dissatisfaction. But here’s the key: expectations can be healthy for they motivate us, guide our interactions, and help us build fulfilling connections.

The problem arises when we confuse requirements (must-haves) with expectations (wish lists).

Honesty, communication, shared values, or a supportive partner during challenging times could all be Must-Haves.

Wish Lists, on the other hand, are the delightful extras, like the cherry on top. They’re the things that make your heart skip a beat – a partner who shares your love for hiking, enjoys cooking elaborate meals together, or surprises you with flowers. These are wonderful to have, but not essential.

Unrealistic expectation can be akin to chasing a mirage in the desert. These kind of hopes can lead to letdown, annoyance. conflict and ultimately severely impact the relationship.

In my opinion I would say that unrealistic expectations is a leading cause of relationship dissatisfaction? Am I going too far in my assumption? Hear me out!!

Here are some questions to get you started:

Personal Relationships: What are my core values? What behaviors are essential for me to feel safe and respected?
Professional Relationships: What kind of work environment do I thrive in? What communication style do I need from colleagues and managers?

So, what are common traps of maintaining impractical expectations in personal relationships?

Perfectionism

By setting unattainable standards of perfectionism, may overshadow the happiness of the relationship. The constant need to be flawless, actually doesn’t leave any space for being present in the moment, and recognizing authentic traits, and flaws that make each other special. Instead could we prioritize appreciation for your partner and what they do for the relationship?

2. Mind Reading

We are constantly hoping that our significant others, can understand our interests, thoughts without having to communicate directly. Isn’t this an unrealistic expectation? Our beliefs that somehow magically our partners/loved ones should instinctively grasp our thoughts and emotions without clear communication is unreasonable, and yes all this can lead to: confusion and annoyance. Without verbal communication, the dependance on mind reading can cause missed opportunities for true connection, and problem solving during conflicts.

3. Constant Happiness

Life is made up of many ups and downs, but to anticipate a perpetual state of happiness in a relationship is establishing a higher standard of unrealistic satisfaction and expectation. How many times, have we placed our happiness onto our loved ones? It is not their responsibility to keep us happy at all times, We create our own happiness By being unrealistic to anticipate perpetual happiness in a relationship, we cause undue strain. This can be avoided by embracing all feelings and offering support in both joyful and difficult moments. By doing so one can deepen appreciation and understanding of each others company while strengthening their bond and capacity to face obstacles together.

4. Change in Partners’ Core Traits contradicts with their Core Beliefs.

Every person possesses innate traits and attributes that defines their identity, and requests them to undergo a fundamental transformation. Anticipating a transformation in our significant others’ lives is an unrealistic expectations that may result in dissatisfaction and disillusionment. By recognizing and valuing that everyone undergoes a shift and allow them be their true selves, while including strengths and weakness is crucial.

Here’s Why Separating the Must-Haves & Wish List is Crucial:

Clarity: When you identify your must-haves, you gain clarity about what you truly need in a relationship (personal or professional). This allows you to make informed decisions and avoid wasting time on incompatible connections.
Communication: Clearly communicating your must-haves fosters healthier interactions. Instead of passive-aggressively waiting for your partner or colleague to magically fulfill a wish. Rely on direct conversations about what matters most.
Reduced Resentment: Unmet expectations often leads to resentment. When you separate must-haves from wish lists, you’re less likely to feel let down when someone doesn’t fulfill a preference.

Now, how can those two world live in harmony?

Self Reflections: Reflect on your core values and needs in a relationship. What are the absolute essentials you can’t compromise on?
Prioritization: Within your must-haves differentiate between the “essential”, and “very important”.
Open Communication: Once you’re clear on your must-haves, have open and honest conversations with the people in your life. Share your needs and listen to theirs. Important: Be curious about theirs too!

This framework isn’t just for personal relationships. Consider your professional ones too! Perhaps your Must-Have is a work environment that fosters creativity, while having a mentor is on your Wish List.

So how can this benefit you, you might ask?

In this disconnected, lonely (socially) and digital world, we often have unmet needs. It is okay that our expectations might not align perfectly. But those expectations can be managed in relationships through: dialogue, trust, flexibility, mutual respect, commitment and shared responsibilities is key. One should expect every relationship to come with its own flaws and obstacles. During those challenging times, lets replace unrealistic expectations with a willingness to be flexible, negotiate, and communicate to conquer difficulties and build relational growth. By embracing growth mentality we shift away from frustration, annoyance, and disillusion about a made up reality of a perfect relationships towards working on it truly becoming an empowering one. Shouldn’t we work towards that for our relationship goal? This framework is interchangeable to our professional/personal relationships. If we opt to see our relationship(s) with this new perspective we aren’t chasing a mirage anymore!!!

Remember, strong relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. By separating requirements from expectations, you can cultivate healthier, happier connections in both your personal and professional lives.