The Ramifications of Blame and Assumption: A Conversation about Curiosity

Posted on June 30, 2024 by Yosi Kossowsky, One of Thousands of Executive Coaches on Noomii.

It may be a response to all that is happening in the world today, or perhaps it has always been this way and I am just more sensitive to it now: Almost daily, I notice people jumping to conclusions, making assumptions about another person’s meaning and intentions, and almost always to adverse effect. So when this happened at home the other night, I felt compelled to write about it.

It started with my daughter yelling over and over, “I can’t believe he said that! I just can’t believe he said that!!” She was angry and frustrated.

At times like this, I have learned to match her tone and sentiment, so I responded, “Right! I can’t believe it either!”

She continued to glare at her phone. “It’s unbelievable. My boss is such a jerk!”

As I watched my daughter sit and fume, I decided to take a chance and inquire about the situation.

“What did your boss say?” I asked.

“He said that because I am not so busy, I need to take on two more projects. I’m so angry! I was already overloaded and last week he asked me to work with Jill on two of her projects. How can he say that I have the bandwidth to take on two more? Doesn’t he know how hard I work on my projects? Does he have any idea how many hours I put into them? How much research each requires?”

“Wow. That doesn’t sound fair.”

“Right!” she said. “I can’t believe it.”

Her anger started to melt and tears began to well up in her eyes.

Intentionally relaxing my posture, I gently asked, “What else did he say? Did he give you any more details?”

“Yeah. He said that it looks like I have a lot of extra time on my hands. But it’s not true and he should know that!”

“How do you know he knows how hard you are working on your projects?”

“Well, he should!”

“How should he know?”

“Well, I’ve told him how hard I work. How dedicated I am, and how much effort I put into my work.”

I looked her in the eye and said, “You’re right, this really sucks. I hate when people don’t recognize how hard I work or appreciate what I do. It never feels good.” After a short pause, I added, “I’m just curious, what if for some reason he really doesn’t know? What if, even though you told him, he doesn’t remember or realize how hard you work, and or how overloaded you are?”

In a frustrated tone, she responded, “But he should know. He should remember!”

“Yes, maybe he should. But what if, for just a second, we consider that he doesn’t know?”

She paused and I saw understanding and annoyance flash across her face. “Well, if he doesn’t know, then he should ask about my time before telling me that I am not busy.”

“It would be great if he did that. However, what if he doesn’t think that way? What if he just focuses on what he’s getting and because you’re so competent, he doesn’t consider your level of effort anymore?”

She looked at me and I could see the gears working in her mind. “Actually, that would probably be a good thing. For him to trust me like that.” She sighed and continued, “If he doesn’t know, or doesn’t remember, then maybe I need to tell him.”

“How would you tell him?”

“I would say. ‘Dave, I put a lot of work into my projects and care a lot about the final result. I spend hours and hours on research and you know my work is really good.’”

“Okay, great.” I said, “Would you be up for playing a role reversal game for a second?”

My daughter rolled her eyes. We have done this exercise before. “Okay.”

“Imagine you’re the boss and I’m you.” I pause, take a deep breath, and continue. “Dave! How can you say that to me? You know how much work I put into my projects. How can you tell me that I am not busy right now?”

My daughter looked at me for a second. “Yeah, that would just trigger me and get my hackles up. If I were Dave, I would tell you to get a grip and stop telling me how hard you work. Everyone is busy and has lots to do. It’s called work for a reason!”

“What if we tried the curiosity approach? You continue to play Dave.” I took a breath, got into character and earnestly said, “Dave, can you help me understand why you think I have extra time to take on additional projects now?”

She looked at my blankly, “I have no idea what Dave would say to that.”

I said, “Makes sense, and he would have to answer something. Right?”

“Yeah, he would.”

“Do you think he would be triggered?”

“Probably not.”

“Another option is to ask, ‘Dave, are you aware of my current workload?’”

She nodded and I could see her contemplating this idea. “I would also ask him if he knew how many hours and how much effort I put into my projects.”

“Great. And how do you sense Dave would respond?”

“Well, it would depend on how I said it. If I was sincerely asking, then he would probably respond that he doesn’t really know.”

Her eyes lit up and she quickly continued, “That would also give me an opportunity to remind him how much l love my job and how dedicated I am. I could genuinely let him know that I am a team player and will always go above and beyond.”

“Absolutely. As the boss, how would it make you feel?”

“If I were the boss, I hope I would feel grateful, and definitely wouldn’t feel defensive or irritated.”

“Now how do you think you would feel saying this to your boss?”

She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then let out a long sigh. “I would be pretty calm. Maybe a bit nervous, not knowing what he would say.”

“But not angry, frustrated or annoyed?”

“Nope.”

“Pretty cool” I said. “It seems there may be some benefits to this curiosity approach?”

She rolled her eyes and asked me to spell it out.

I explained the mindset of curiosity versus defensiveness. Often, we think we already know another person’s meaning and intentions. When their reaction feels misaligned to our perspectives, this can trigger feelings of anger or blame. We fall into the trap of assuming that the other person is being ignorant, stupid, or intentionally antagonistic which can lead to feeling undervalued or unworthy.

If instead we let go of our assumptions and become genuinely curious about the other person’s point of view or behavior, we can openly contemplate why they don’t recognize what we see or hear. We approach the person and situation differently, often with better results.

I asked her, “How does it feel when people assume things about you?”

“I hate when people do that because they’re always wrong. They never understand what’s really going on inside of me.”

I nodded. “The same thing happens with me. The challenge is that sometimes we are sure we know what is happening; we feel 100% sure. When we approach people with assumptions, even if we have good intentions, it usually makes them defensive and triggers anger, frustration or anxiety. When that happens, the conversation is essentially over and there is nowhere to productively move forward. To have a space for open dialogue, we need to be calm and relaxed inside. I have rarely seen resistance when I approach situations with real curiosity.”

A few weeks later, she came home from work, made a beeline, and gave me a hug.

“Thanks! What’s that for?” I asked.

“I did it! I used curiosity. Today my boss assigned me another new project while also adding on additional requirements to three of my existing projects. My initial response was anger and frustration. I decided to try your crazy idea and instead of telling Dave that he should understand how much work he is putting on me, I asked if he understands my current workload.”

“He was surprised I asked, which triggered me, because I thought he was being sarcastic. But I stayed focused on being curious and explained to him how much I love my work and it’s important for me to deliver a good product rather than be late or produce mediocre results.”

“Immediately, I could see I had misjudged him because he said hadn’t realized how swamped I was. We are meeting tomorrow so he can better understand what I am doing and has offered to mentor me, if I would be interested.”

“I agreed and honestly, Dad, I felt so good inside. I feel understood and I appreciate that he wants to help me improve. Thank you!”

To quote Sean Connery in the role of Jimmy Malone in The Untouchables, “Here endeth the lesson.”

What would your next interaction be like if you approached it with curiosity?