Tips on Dating Someone with ADHD

Posted on February 13, 2024 by Karina Schneidman, One of Thousands of Business Coaches on Noomii.

Many of us crave to have an emotional connection with someone else. The reality is that dating is hard, but dating someone with attention deficit disorder (ADHD) can be significantly harder. ADHD and dating is not impossible, but it can make the process harder. A recent study showed that adults with ADHD have shorter romantic relationships than others. If you are dating a woman with ADHD or dating a man with ADHD, it’s helpful to learn about ADHD and ways to communicate with your significant other.

What is ADHD?

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect thinking, feeling, memory and behavior. There are three types of ADHD:

Predominantly Inattentive Presentation: A person with this type of ADHD can be distracted very easily, has a hard time keeping focus on details and has a poor memory.
Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation: A person with this type of ADHD wants to move and talk a lot. They are impulsive, tend to interrupt, and can’t sit still.
Combined Presentation: A person with this type of ADHD has symptoms from both of the types of ADHD mentioned above.

Does My Boyfriend or Girlfriend Have ADHD?
If your boyfriend or girlfriend seems to exhibit some of the ADHD symptoms, but is not diagnosed, it can be a tricky situation. If you have not been dating for a long time, you may feel uncomfortable asking them about the possibility of getting tested. Someone that you are casually dating may not be ready to share their medical history with you.
However, if you plan to have a serious relationship with someone that has ADHD, it is very advantageous to have the serious conversations early. Things like forgetfulness, impulsivity and lack of attention can lead to big problems between a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

Getting an ADHD diagnosis from a mental health professional can help identify the specific type of ADHD that may be present. This will allow either the individual or the couple to work with a certified ADHD coach to learn ways to connect better and improve the relationship.

Don’t try to diagnose your significant other yourself. Instead, pick the right time to have an empathetic conversation where you voice your concerns. Letting the other person know how much you care about them is a great way to start the discussion, followed by what you have witnessed and why it concerns you. Being on the same page with the person you’re dating and having a common goal of working on your relationship is the number one secret to success of dating with ADHD.

What is Dating Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder Like?
Dating a man or woman with ADHD can be challenging. Many folks with ADHD have a terrible memory. This not only means that they can forget your birthday or your anniversary, but it means they can forget to get off their computer and meet you for a date. Or, they can forget you asked them to pick you up from work and drive you to the airport. People with ADHD are often perceived as selfish or uncaring, but the truth is that their brain is just wired differently.

Texting is one of the most common ways of communicating while dating, and that can be a challenge for those with ADHD. You may notice a lot of texts being sent in a short amount of time, followed by hours or days without any follow up. Individuals with ADHD can forget what you just texted about, or even forget to reply. It doesn’t mean they are ghosting you, it just means their brain switched to a different topic that is fully consuming them at the time.
Another hardship of dating someone with ADHD is that they are often not able to manage their emotions well. A toddler can have a temper tantrum if they don’t like something, and a person with ADHD may seem like they never grew out of that stage. They may raise their voice, interrupt in a heated conversation, get frustrated easily, walk away, and so on, and so on.

This can be a huge red flag when dating someone, but understanding that emotional dysregulation is simply a part of ADHD can be monumental in accepting the person as they are.

Impulsivity is a huge part of ADHD, and that can be a positive or a negative. If your boyfriend or girlfriend has ADHD, you can probably expect a lot of surprise trips or spontaneous outings. However, the dark side to impulsivity is lack of planning and consistency, spontaneous purchases, sudden change of plans, etc.

Tips on Dating Someone with ADHD
If you want to date someone with ADHD, these tips from a certified ADHD coach can help: Learn about ADHD: If you were dating someone from a different country, you would probably learn about their culture to understand them better. Learning about ADHD, and the type of ADHD your significant other has, will be very valuable to your relationship. Understanding that the person is not choosing to be rude or disappear, but it is part of the way their mind works, can help you have more empathy and less anger.

Work with an ADHD Coach: Working with an ADHD coach is one of the best investments you can make in your relationship. ADHD coaches can help your boyfriend or girlfriend learn skills to help with their executive functions. The coach will give them suggestions on improving their memory, managing their emotions, and learning to communicate more effectively. If you choose to work with the ADHD consultant as a couple, they will teach you how to respond to your significant other, when it’s important to walk away, and how you can best support them.

Be Positive – A lot of people with ADHD have low self esteem. They are used to being criticized, failing, and never being seen as good enough. You can play a significant role in your partner’s life if you remain positive about them and your relationship. Help them build their self esteem up by highlighting their positive traits – areas they thrive in, their successes, how romantic they can be, how great they make you feel. Building your partner up will build up dopamine in your brains, which folks with ADHD desperately need.

If you need to provide some negative feedback, try the sandwich approach. Start by giving them a compliment, then gently describe the issue, end with something positive about them and hope for the future.

For example, if your girlfriend forgets to wash the dishes on a constant basis, if you lose your temper and express how annoying that is, she can just shut down and walk away. This will never lead to any positive changes. However, using the sandwich approach would look like this:

“Samantha, it was so considerate of you to pick up Chinese food yesterday. I got so busy with work, I didn’t have a chance to make dinner, and having a warm meal at the end of the day made me feel so appreciated.

It would mean a lot to me if you could help out with washing dishes.
I realize we are both busy, but I know we are both committed to making this relationship work and if you know how important this is to me, you will do your best to make a change.”
Help Them – In any relationship, people vary in their strengths and weaknesses. You may be a great writer and help your boyfriend craft his emails to his boss at work, while he may be better at cooking and making you delicious meals. If you want to date someone with ADHD, try and help them in any way you can. Supporting your partner will create a more solid relationship based on respect, care and concern.

A great way to help someone with ADHD is to remind them of upcoming events or tasks because of their typical poor memory. If you have an upcoming date, shoot them a text an hour before so they can start getting ready. Alternative, you can ask them to create an alarm on their phone if you’re not around to remind them.

Many people with ADHD don’t know any other way to live other than how they have lived before, so recommend that they seek out an ADHD coach. Oftentimes, a recommendation from a significant other can be life changing.

If they are not ready to meet with an ADHD consultant, consider meeting with one yourself. Although it’s best for the person with ADHD to be present, learning ways to help and cope as a partner of someone with ADHD can be monumental in the success of your relationship.