Are you ready to heal through your traumas?

Posted on January 27, 2024 by Szenia Kosa, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

The word “trauma” may sound frightening. Many associate it with the idea that something very severe or violent must have happened to an individual for them to experience trauma. However, this is not always the case. The Greek-origin word “trauma” actually means a wound. In psychology, it can be interpreted as a psychological wound that occurs within an individual. It does not necessarily require a traumatic event from the perspective of the external world.

According to psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, “Trauma is when they don’t know us and don’t notice us.” Dr. Gábor Máté, a physician, adds, “Trauma primarily occurs within a person, as a result of difficult or painful events they experience; it does not refer to the events themselves. I would phrase it like the following: Trauma is not what happens to you but what is within you.”

Therefore, trauma occurs when an individual experiences something as traumatic. This can happen if they are not loved or accepted for who they truly are. For example, at infancy age, when we were dependent on our parents, if they did not hold us enough in arms, it was considered that withholding hugs and closeness would discipline the child. Conscientious parents adhered to this.

So, you can imagine how many people grow up with traumas. Many. In fact, it’s rare for someone to escape them. And is it important to recognize and uncover our traumas later in life?

If you want to continue living as you have been, and your environment does not hinder you, then no. Understanding and uncovering traumas become important when you want to change but feel something is hindering you. When your illnesses intensify, or when you cannot find peace, when you suffer psychologically.

Your body signals, but you have become so alienated from it that you don’t understand. This is when it can be helpful to dare to confront your wounds.

Of course, people avoid facing their wounds for a reason. It’s not pleasant to deal with them, and if you can’t look at past experiences with understanding eyes, it only intensifies self-pity and a sense of helplessness.

Therefore, before exploring traumas, it is worth adopting a new perspective, or rather understanding the following:
Self-blame and blaming others are pointless.

This perspective is not a small challenge because since childhood, we have always lived in such judgment. They told us we did it perfectly now, then we messed up, it wasn’t perfect. And often, we hear that we should just be good enough (i.e., imperfect)… then we get criticized again. So, it’s understandable that imperfection is not an attractive trait; it’s hard to be proud of it.

And the problem is that people want to be proud. They want to be proud that they are someone and GOOD. They expect external validation because there is no validation from within. Then all this “I am a good person” pride, focusing on the mainly egoistic environment, conforming to manipulative interests lead to anxiety about mistakes, fear of wrong paths, and eventually, people are afraid to start anything new. They don’t dare to be persistent because it would result in too many unbearable failures, and they don’t dare to give themselves or follow their enthusiasm.

They give up these positive, liberating, and uplifting experiences so that they can continue to appear as a model life in the eyes of others, to seem perfect. To be GOOD.

And perfection has a price.

While striving for perfection, there is no room for curiosity, adventure, spontaneity. It is not a priority to focus on your own needs and connect with your positive emotions: joy, peace, harmony. Moreover, the biggest price is that you constantly feel guilty, ashamed.

For example, that you are not happy enough while there is someone who loves you for who you are. You blame yourself for not being able to work enough because you don’t use every hour of the day efficiently. Sometimes you are tired and in a bad mood. You feel shame that you cannot simultaneously build a career, excel more than last year – adjusted for inflation, raise a child intelligently according to modern psychology, choose a suitable partner according to appearance-age-standard norms, stay with them, and if you do illogical things in all areas, then you are a disaster. Etc.

Well, you can mourn such and other things throughout your life.

Or not.

Because how long do you have to pay the price of striving for perfection? Another six months? Five years? Until you die of cancer?

When can you let go of the guilt that you didn’t become someone GOOD?

Where did you learn that with guilt, self-torment, and lifelong penance, you can be a good and valuable person?

Where is the compassion for yourself that you expect from others?

It is not advisable to go back to the past without compassion. If you just want to find out who is to blame for the whole story, you won’t be liberated from it. If you want to intellectualize and shift responsibility to others, you won’t be liberated.

Because it’s never about what you see. It’s not about the story. It’s about the underlying emotional experiences.

About your threatening attachments, connections, and the lack of love.

Connection and love are our basic needs.

Facing their absence is initially painful. But I promise if you can empathize with yourself and others, it won’t hurt for long!

And if you realize that the capacity for connection and love is within you, and you don’t need to force it, secure it from anyone, you can finally experience inner freedom. In the present. Because you no longer have to run away, and you don’t need to seek substitutes, dependencies, or “complementary” people.

You will see that your wounds actually serve your healing.

By letting go of your wounds, you get something much more than healing.

Inner stability.