I’m Afraid to Ask

Posted on January 04, 2024 by Sean Self, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

A fear, an expectation of rejection, a bracing for a fight—these are the kinds of experiences some people have every time they make a request of someone. How does this happen? To understand that we first need to understand conditioning.

Conditioning is a simple psychological concept that our minds make associations between things. So the classic example is every time Pavlov would ring his bell he would feed his dogs. His dogs began to associate the ringing of the bell with being fed. So one day, Pavlov rang his bell and didn’t feed his dogs and yet the dogs still salivated.

As human beings we also are constantly being conditioned. So often times when people grow up, every time they ask for something they are rejected. So they become conditioned to expect no whenever they make a request. They become conditioned to the idea that if they really need something they have to fight for it.

I want to look at this from two different angles. Angle number one is from the perspective of the person asking for something. So as that individual grows up that conditioning or adaptation stays with them, even if their environment changes. So let’s say Tommy gets married and his wife is actually very willing to hear out Tommy’s requests. Tommy is still going to brace for a fight every time he asks his wife for something.

Now let’s look at it from his wife’s angle. Let’s say Tommy asks his wife to empty the dishwasher. Tommy’s wife suddenly has this strange experience. She genuinely doesn’t mind emptying the dishwasher and yet for some reason when Tommy asks her it actually makes her not want to do it.

Let’s understand what’s happening there. Remember that Tommy is bracing for a fight when he asks his wife to empty the dishwasher. It is natural human instinct that when someone is on the offensive we get defensive. So when Tommy prepares to fight for his request his wife has the natural instinct to fight back.

Tragically, what this results in is a self-fulfilling prophecy—because Tommy is expecting a fight it actually makes a fight more likely which in turn reinforces the belief that Tommy needs to fight for his needs to be met. So what do we do about this?

Well first, these kinds of situations can be hard to navigate on your own. In coaching we work to understand these mechanisms better and then take them apart. Many clients notice shifts in perspective and changes in their life even after the first week of coaching and in 12 weeks changes are usually much deeper and long lasting (see some of the impact coaching has for clients at ostaracoaching.com). You shouldn’t have to go through this journey alone. Send me a message at mail@ostaracoaching.com and sign up for coaching.

That being said, with or without coaching, there are some things you can start doing right now. If you are in the same kind of situation as Tommy the first step is each time you ask for something notice the instinct you have to brace for a fight. Equipped with the knowledge here and the awareness in the moment it will start to weaken the mechanism and undo the conditioning.

If you are in the same kind of situation as Tommy’s wife you can help your Tommy start to notice this. Here’s some language that will help to call this to Tommy’s attention without making him feel attacked: “Hey I’m happy to empty the dishwasher but something about the way you asked, it felt like you thought I was going to fight you on it or something. Do you feel that way at all?”

It is okay to ask for what you need and I’m very sorry if you grew up in a situation where you had to fight to get your needs met. Together we can transform the process of meeting your needs from a battle into a collaboration.