Are You Afraid To Be Assertive?
Posted on February 24, 2010 by Lorna Blake, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
What are some of your personal fears about becoming assertive?
We’re talking about Assertiveness today.
Thanks to one of my family members who wrote in to ask me this question:
“If being assertive is so good, why do I feel so bad asserting myself?”
(The situation is that her former boss is being harrassing, abusive and threatening a lawsuit because she has asked him to return items he’s borrowed from her).
And my response is:
Congratulations on standing up for yourself and your rights! You’re probably feeling bad because the frightened part of you is screaming: “It’s all your fault! You had no right to ask him to return those items and now you’ve made him mad. You’re bad!”
It’s difficult to assert yourself if you were taught to always be nice to people and never confront.
The other thing is, maybe you’re not yet comfortable with being assertive. (It takes practice and planning ahead what you’re going to say and how to say it). So you may have come across as agressive and it may have left the other person on the defensive.
This is especially true if they’re used to you acting in a passive manner and all of a sudden you’ve changed on them. They may not know how to deal with your new behaviour.
The question to ask yourself is: How important is it to you to get these items returned?
I tell my clients that being assertive has consequences and you have to be prepared to deal with a fallout from the other side. If he’s threatening a lawsuit, it could just be a threat. At the same time, if he were serious are you prepared to take it all the way to court?
So, how do you decide when to ‘drop it’? The questions for you to think about are:
How much of your time is being consumed by this situation? Is it really worth that much of your time and energy?
Remember, becoming assertive isn’t a one-situation deal. The point is to let this person know that you are deserving of respect. You have demonstrated that by asking to have your items returned and you have a right to do so.
If you want to get more practice with being assertive, set up a life coaching session or a one-one consultation with a coach like myself who specializes in this area. There are lots of great tools such as assertiveness e-courses which can provide you with tips and strategies to practice being assertive.
Have you ever dealt with feeling bad after you asserted yourself? Tell us your experience… Share it.
