How coaching can help trailing spouses turn loss into opportunity

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Kate Longhurst, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I remember the excitement of moving to Singapore, the excitement, and the apprehension. I had two children under the age of three and no job, and for the first time in sixteen years, I was unemployed and financially reliant on my husband. I had experienced starting anew but this was different. Previously, I had relocated for university or work and, in those instances I had moved to be part of something – work or study. This time I had no purpose in Singapore outside of looking after my children. I was a ‘trailing partner’.

Anyone moving abroad experiences some challenges. For those that come to a new country without work or study, there are particular challenges. Adjusting to a new culture, finding a sense of purpose, and building a support network can be overwhelming when there aren’t immediate work demands and new colleagues to help you get started, and you can be left wondering what to do with yourself……

Coaching can help. A coach can provide a safe, judgment-free space to explore the challenges that you’re facing and help transform them into a period of personal growth, empowerment, and fulfilment. An opportunity to reset and find what really matters to you.

So, what challenges have I experienced and how do I believe coaching can help trailing spouses turn loss into opportunity?

Identity and Purpose: One of the most significant challenges for trailing partners is finding their identity and a sense of purpose in their new location. Whether you’re looking after the family, seeking work, setting up a business or simply taking some time for you, leaving your support network, career and home can be very unsettling and lead to questions about who you are and what your purpose is in this new location. Relocating often means leaving behind professional pursuits and the familiarity, comfort and confidence that comes with your previous life. This can lead to a sense of disconnection from your identity and a struggle to find your place. This is hard. It’s hard for anyone, and for those that have led a busy professional life, it can be a real shock.

However, whilst it’s hard (and I want to acknowledge that it’s hard), I truly believe that it provides an opportunity. An opportunity to find the REAL you and what you REALLY want in life. You have a fresh canvas. A chance to redefine what you want and how you want to be – to unshackle from things that didn’t serve you before. Coaching can help and support you to do this.

Emotional impact and Loneliness: Relocating to a new country can be emotionally challenging and as a trailing partner there can be a heightened sense of isolation, loneliness, and lack of social support. Adjusting to a new culture, language, and social norms can exacerbate these feelings. It is common to experience a rollercoaster of emotions as you navigate the unfamiliarity of expat life. Having a safe space to express these emotions and explore what they are telling you about your situation, expectations and desires can be cathartic and constructive. Working with a coach can help you use this experience to further understand yourself and develop a better way forward. This can be positive not only for you but for your relationship with your partner. Holding these feelings can risk resentment and create distance.

Career Disruption: Moving abroad to follow your partner’s career, can create huge disruption in your professional trajectory, potentially causing you to leave behind a successful career to support your partner’s relocation. Finding suitable employment or re-establishing your career in a new country can be a complex and daunting task. You may face hurdles such as language barriers, unfamiliar job markets, and different professional qualifications. These can be frustrating to navigate. The listening ear and support of a coach can help you define your specific hurdles, how to get over them, and work on strategies to tackle them differently. It can also provide an avenue for exploring any frustrations that you have, away from the family environment.

Role Shift and Dependency: As a trailing partner you may experience a shift in role within your household. Relocating can mean becoming dependent on your partner for financial support, which can create a sense of disempowerment. Adjusting to a new role dynamic can be challenging, and you may find yourself struggling with your sense of autonomy and self-worth. This can be difficult to navigate as a couple and having an opportunity to explore with a coach what’s coming up for you in relation to your role within the relationship, can improve communication and understanding between you and help you find your voice.

Self-Care and Well-being: The well-being of trailing partners can sometimes be overlooked amidst the challenges and busyness of relocation. Coaching has a valuable role in self-care and well-being. A coach can help you prioritise your physical and mental health, set boundaries, and establish self-care practices that promote overall well-being. By nurturing your own needs and self-compassion, other challenges can be tackled more readily and with a more positive mindset. Not only helping you directly but enabling you to be the person you want to be for your partner and/or family.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you’re also a trailing partner, I hope it’s given you some comfort that your challenges are seen and that there is support out there to help you navigate them. To summarise, the support that I feel coaching could bring you in turning loss into opportunity:

1. Helping you identify and process your emotions and experiences associated with the relocation and learn from them in a positive way.

3. Capitalise on the opportunity to start with a blank canvas, supporting you to redefine what you want from life and how to work towards it.