Stop SHOULD-ing Yourself!
Posted on September 01, 2023 by Laura Martino, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.
Often we fall into the "Should" trap...of unreasonable expectations creating a space for deep anxiety.
SHOULD is my least favorite word.
- My boss gets that I have a family and can’t stay late tonight, shouldn’t he?
- My spouse should know that I’m totally done and can’t do anything more, right?
- My dad should realize how that comes across when he says it like that, right?
- My kid should know not to do that, right?
Should means we are frustrated. We had expectations that aren’t being met. This creates some cognitive dissonance – the mental disconnect between what we thought vs. what actually is happening. Our brains reward us with a dopamine hit when we accurately forecast the future and our brains aren’t so generous when we don’t.
How we respond to that frustration is often shaped by how much mental bandwidth we have in the moment – despair, anger, sharp words, feeling overwhelmed…or picking on someone else to discharge the discomfort. See our Instagram post – Stop SHOULD-Ing Yourself
COULD BE feels so much healthier
Shifting our language a bit opens up different possibilities. I like Could Be….as it talks about a possible future. We don’t look behind us and find ourselves wanting…rather we are looking ahead and where we would like to go.
This becomes:
- My boss gets that I have a family and can’t stay late tonight, could be he didn’t know about my commitment tonight.
- My spouse could not not know that I’m totally done and can’t do anything more, right? How can I tell him so we can get on the same page?
- My dad could not realize how that comes across when he says it like that. I will ask if it was his intention to hurt my feelings and what is really bothering him.
- My kid knows to not to do that. It could be that he is upset about something, tired or hungry. I will have a talk with him about being responsible for our words and actions even when we aren’t at our best and check-in to see what is setting him off.
Overall, we end up shifting our mindset from disappointment towards positive intent and possibility.
